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Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,631 ✭✭✭its_steve116


    I was ordering large fries in McDonalds the other day and when I went to the McCafe for a drink, I was greatly shocked and surprised to see one of the girls from Skins behind the counter! I recognized her almost instantly, but couldn't remember her name. I went up to her and initially ordered a tea. She said, "have you tried our new stout?" I replied "no I didn't even know that you guys were licensed to sell booze!" She said the stout was better than any I'd ever get served in a pub. So what I did was flip a coin; if it landed on heads I would have tea, if tails stout. It landed on tails, and I decided that I didn't want to get intoxicated in a family restaurant, so instead of a regular stout, I went with a smaller serving. I paid for my food and stout and serving me the stout, the girl turned around and said in her well spoken Scottish accent: "Here's your Mini McGuinness!"



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,121 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I'd love to take the members of ABBA out for a meal.


    I would, my friend, for Nando's...



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,470 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    An unemployed Jester is nobody's fool!



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,772 ✭✭✭Dakota Dan


    Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

    He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ’You died in your sleep, Ralph.’

    Ralph was stunned. ’I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’

    St. Peter said, ’I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.’

    Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

    A rooster strolled past. ’So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’

    ’Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’

    ’You’re ovulating,’ explained the rooster. ’Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before? ’

    "Never," said Ralph. 

    Well, just relax and let it happen, says the rooster. ’It’s no big deal.’

    Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

    Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

    As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

    "Ralph! Wake up you dirty bastard. You **** the bed!!"


    -SS xP



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,772 ✭✭✭Dakota Dan




  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,099 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    I wonder where Steve Bruce will beheading off to now?



  • Posts: 31,118 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    in a recent survey it was found that 30 % of Irish people between the ages of 18 and 40 are binge drinkers .........everyone else just drinks Guinness .



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,608 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?

    Black eyed peas can sing us a song, chickpeas can only hummus one.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,415 ✭✭✭chewed


    The Beach Boys walk into a pub.

    "Round?"

    "Round."

    "Get a round."

    "I'll get a round."



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,608 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    My friend died of heartburn.

    I still can't believe Gav is gone.



  • Posts: 31,118 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Paddy was on his death bed and knew the end was near.

    His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast.

    He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

    When all is ready he begins to speak:

    "My son Seamus, i want you to take the houses in Shankhill."

    "My daughter Geraldine, you take the apartments over in Malone road."

    "My son Patrick Junior, i want you to take the offices in the city centre."

    "Bridget my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road.

    The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife "Mrs O'Shaughnessy , my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..

    "Property?", his wife replies. "The fucker had a window cleaning round."



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,717 ✭✭✭YFlyer


    What is the difference between Dwight Yorke and the IDF?



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,584 ✭✭✭✭M.T. Cranium


    Only one is welcome in Sunderland?



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,099 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    If you ask me solar power is the way forward. But it won't happen overnight!



  • Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 12,528 Mod ✭✭✭✭iamstop




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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,099 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    I still don’t fully believe in solar power but I am warming up to the idea. Solar power is so hot right now but you’d swear it’s advocates believe that the earth revolves around them. All I can say to those who are against it and spout drivel about traditional energy is ‘coal story bro’.



  • Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 12,528 Mod ✭✭✭✭iamstop


    Those against it are just blowing smoke!

    They don't understand the gravity of the situation.

    The future of solar is bright.

    I had to rain on their parade but the data will soon take the wind out of their sails and sales!



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,099 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    As long as everyone remains grounded and think of the earth.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,972 ✭✭✭Heighway61


    An oldie but a Goldie...

    So there is this couple and they adopt a baby from Germany. The baby never starts speaking, even after 3 years. After four years of the boy not speaking the couple take the boy to the doctor, but the doctor says that everything is developing fine, and that there is nothing wrong with him.


    Then one day, when the boy is eating some apple strudel, and he says, "This apple strudel is a bit tepid".


    "Wolfgang," the couple say, "you have never spoken before, why do you speak now after all these years?"


    And the boy says, "Up until now everything had been satisfactory"



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,470 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Are they the silly con solar panels that don't FIT ?



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,121 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I ordered some bread rolls that were so shiny, I took them back to the baker to complain.


    I went in all buns glazing...



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,584 ✭✭✭✭M.T. Cranium


    There was a George Harrison imitator who only had a banjo.

    Close, but no sitar.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,972 ✭✭✭Heighway61


    I always fancied becoming a Gregorian monk. Chants would be a fine thing.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,099 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    I lost out in a promotion today to a very attractive, diligent lady 20 years older than me. I was really down until my work colleagues said ‘don’t cry over a skilled milf’.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,972 ✭✭✭Heighway61


    The local swimming pool committee were going door-to-door looking for a small donation so I gave them a glass of water.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,463 ✭✭✭✭blade1


    Elton John bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit.


    (Altogether now)

    🎶 It's a little fit bunny 🎶



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,121 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I was going to stay by myself for Christmas.


    But then my parents called and offered to make me eggs Benedict every day if I stayed with them.


    It looks like I'm going home for the Hollandaise!



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,211 ✭✭✭✭Suckit


    The neighbour’s over the road have a christmas light that is doing my head in!!

    It’s this little yellow box with a flashing blue light which lets out a continuous AND LOUD beeping noise!!!

    I went over to complain, but they’re not in...and they’ve left the fecking door wide open!!. 🤷‍♂️



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,211 ✭✭✭✭Suckit


    I popped into the chemist earlier and I asked the guy behind the counter,

    “What's the best thing to use to kill off coronavirus on kitchen surfaces?”

    He answered,

    "Ammonia cleaner."

    I said,

    "Oh sorry, my mistake - I thought you were the pharmacist...”



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 953 ✭✭✭Nodster


    Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't The Monkey's Mike Nesmiths' mother invent Tippex?



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,277 ✭✭✭MrCostington


    Borrowed from 'Fargo'

    Did you hear about the guy that wanted a personalized number plate, but couldn't afford it?

    He changed his name to 212 G 82367



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,015 ✭✭✭✭GBX


    I went to see my doctor today. I said "I applied the pile cream you gave me and i got a very nasty reaction."


    "Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.


    I said "On the bus!"



  • Posts: 31,118 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Graham Martin is in Hospital:

    Who the hell is GRAHAM?

    Well Graham is the geezer who got home late one night and Helen his wife, says. "Where the hell have you been?"

    Graham replies. "I was getting a tattoo!"

    "A tattoo?" She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

    "I got a hundred dollar note on my privates." He said proudly.

    "What the hell were you thinking?" She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar note tattooed on his privates?"

    "Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.

    Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

    Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

    And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want."

    Graham is now in The Critical Care Unit, Room 233. No visitors until further notice.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,470 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Sir Kier Starmer would like it to be known he has never arranged an illegal Christmas Party. In fact he is incapable of organising any party.



  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 50,167 CMod ✭✭✭✭magicbastarder


    who knew that max verstappen's grandad, hanx, was a bus driver in belfast many years ago?



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,121 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    DID YOU KNOW...


    David Bowie bought Bing Crosby a pom pom for Christmas.


    Not any old pom pom, though -


    A proper pom pom.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,205 ✭✭✭✭B.A._Baracus


    Just made this one up. Probably needs refinement. But....

    What did the proctologist say to the taxman?





    .... must be a change to be the one bending over.



  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 50,167 CMod ✭✭✭✭magicbastarder




  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,418 ✭✭✭silliussoddius


    What did the man say to the blind prostitute?

    i have to hand it to you.



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  • Posts: 31,118 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    BREAKING NEWS!

    The High Court of Ireland has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene at Dàil Eireann this Christmas season.

    This is not for any religious reason. Apparently it proved impossible to find Three Wise Men in Government Buildings. A search for a Virgin continues.

    There was, however, NO problem finding enough asses to fill the stable!



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,121 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Just discovered why the Bee Gees are afraid of horses!!


    Apparently the gee gee's give the Bee Gee's the heebeegeebees!!!



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,470 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Ever have one of those mornings where you can't even be bothered to get dressed?

    Anyway, I was arrested at the bus stop.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,470 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I bought a suit of armour as I thought it would make me feel young and strong.

    But when I put it on I felt middle aged.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,470 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Recreate the innocent childhood fun of playing Buckeroo by taking turns placing small household objects on top of your sleeping cat.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,121 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    New Year's Eve is tonight and I'm very nervous.


    I've been diagnosed with auld langxiety.



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  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,020 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home




  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,121 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Every year seems like a repeat tbh these days 😁

    Happy new year regardless...



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 69,931 ✭✭✭✭FrancieBrady




  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,470 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight




  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,470 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Novak Djokovic is the first player to be knocked out of a grand slam after missing only 2 shots.



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