The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

its_steve116 · 15-10-2021 9:14am

I was ordering large fries in McDonalds the other day and when I went to the McCafe for a drink, I was greatly shocked and surprised to see one of the girls from Skins behind the counter! I recognized her almost instantly, but couldn't remember her name. I went up to her and initially ordered a tea. She said, "have you tried our new stout?" I replied "no I didn't even know that you guys were licensed to sell booze!" She said the stout was better than any I'd ever get served in a pub. So what I did was flip a coin; if it landed on heads I would have tea, if tails stout. It landed on tails, and I decided that I didn't want to get intoxicated in a family restaurant, so instead of a regular stout, I went with a smaller serving. I paid for my food and stout and serving me the stout, the girl turned around and said in her well spoken Scottish accent: "Here's your Mini McGuinness!"

everlast75 · 16-10-2021 12:07am

I'd love to take the members of ABBA out for a meal.

I would, my friend, for Nando's...

Capt'n Midnight · 22-10-2021 9:46pm

An unemployed Jester is nobody's fool!

Dakota Dan · 22-10-2021 9:59pm

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ’You died in your sleep, Ralph.’

Ralph was stunned. ’I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’

St. Peter said, ’I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.’

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. ’So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’

’Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’

’You’re ovulating,’ explained the rooster. ’Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before? ’

"Never," said Ralph.

Well, just relax and let it happen, says the rooster. ’It’s no big deal.’

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

"Ralph! Wake up you dirty bastard. You **** the bed!!"

-SS xP

Dakota Dan · 22-10-2021 10:45pm

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mmpx_ZzIYQg

joeguevara · 23-10-2021 12:40am

I wonder where Steve Bruce will beheading off to now?

26-10-2021 10:06am

in a recent survey it was found that 30 % of Irish people between the ages of 18 and 40 are binge drinkers .........everyone else just drinks Guinness .

The Princess Bride · 26-10-2021 9:33pm

What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?

Black eyed peas can sing us a song, chickpeas can only hummus one.

chewed · 28-10-2021 9:35pm

The Beach Boys walk into a pub.

"Round?"

"Round."

"Get a round."

"I'll get a round."

The Princess Bride · 31-10-2021 12:08am

My friend died of heartburn.

I still can't believe Gav is gone.

01-11-2021 11:57pm

Paddy was on his death bed and knew the end was near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast.

He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son Seamus, i want you to take the houses in Shankhill."

"My daughter Geraldine, you take the apartments over in Malone road."

"My son Patrick Junior, i want you to take the offices in the city centre."

"Bridget my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road.

The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife "Mrs O'Shaughnessy , my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..

"Property?", his wife replies. "The fucker had a window cleaning round."

YFlyer · 02-11-2021 1:19am

What is the difference between Dwight Yorke and the IDF?

M.T. Cranium · 02-11-2021 8:20pm

Only one is welcome in Sunderland?

joeguevara · 04-11-2021 8:41am

If you ask me solar power is the way forward. But it won't happen overnight!

iamstop · 04-11-2021 4:03pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118116368#Comment_118116368

That's a real kick where the sun don't shine.

joeguevara · 04-11-2021 4:18pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118118620#Comment_118118620

I still don’t fully believe in solar power but I am warming up to the idea. Solar power is so hot right now but you’d swear it’s advocates believe that the earth revolves around them. All I can say to those who are against it and spout drivel about traditional energy is ‘coal story bro’.

iamstop · 04-11-2021 4:55pm

Those against it are just blowing smoke!

They don't understand the gravity of the situation.

The future of solar is bright.

I had to rain on their parade but the data will soon take the wind out of their sails and sales!

joeguevara · 04-11-2021 5:14pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118118841#Comment_118118841

As long as everyone remains grounded and think of the earth.

Heighway61 · 06-11-2021 1:23am

An oldie but a Goldie...

So there is this couple and they adopt a baby from Germany. The baby never starts speaking, even after 3 years. After four years of the boy not speaking the couple take the boy to the doctor, but the doctor says that everything is developing fine, and that there is nothing wrong with him.

Then one day, when the boy is eating some apple strudel, and he says, "This apple strudel is a bit tepid".

"Wolfgang," the couple say, "you have never spoken before, why do you speak now after all these years?"

And the boy says, "Up until now everything had been satisfactory"

Capt'n Midnight · 06-11-2021 1:35am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118116368#Comment_118116368

Are they the silly con solar panels that don't FIT ?

everlast75 · 23-11-2021 8:43am

I ordered some bread rolls that were so shiny, I took them back to the baker to complain.

I went in all buns glazing...

M.T. Cranium · 23-11-2021 6:05pm

There was a George Harrison imitator who only had a banjo.

Close, but no sitar.

Heighway61 · 24-11-2021 9:37am

I always fancied becoming a Gregorian monk. Chants would be a fine thing.

joeguevara · 25-11-2021 11:39pm

I lost out in a promotion today to a very attractive, diligent lady 20 years older than me. I was really down until my work colleagues said ‘don’t cry over a skilled milf’.

Heighway61 · 30-11-2021 3:11pm

The local swimming pool committee were going door-to-door looking for a small donation so I gave them a glass of water.

blade1 · 05-12-2021 8:56am

Elton John bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit.

(Altogether now)

🎶 It's a little fit bunny 🎶

everlast75 · 07-12-2021 11:44am

I was going to stay by myself for Christmas.

But then my parents called and offered to make me eggs Benedict every day if I stayed with them.

It looks like I'm going home for the Hollandaise!

Suckit · 11-12-2021 12:08am

The neighbour’s over the road have a christmas light that is doing my head in!!

It’s this little yellow box with a flashing blue light which lets out a continuous AND LOUD beeping noise!!!

I went over to complain, but they’re not in...and they’ve left the fecking door wide open!!. 🤷‍♂️

Suckit · 11-12-2021 12:15am

I popped into the chemist earlier and I asked the guy behind the counter,

“What's the best thing to use to kill off coronavirus on kitchen surfaces?”

He answered,

"Ammonia cleaner."

I said,

"Oh sorry, my mistake - I thought you were the pharmacist...”

Nodster · 11-12-2021 1:13am

Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't The Monkey's Mike Nesmiths' mother invent Tippex?

MrCostington · 11-12-2021 1:53pm

Borrowed from 'Fargo'

Did you hear about the guy that wanted a personalized number plate, but couldn't afford it?

He changed his name to 212 G 82367

GBX · 13-12-2021 12:49am

I went to see my doctor today. I said "I applied the pile cream you gave me and i got a very nasty reaction."

"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.

I said "On the bus!"

13-12-2021 1:02am

Graham Martin is in Hospital:

Who the hell is GRAHAM?

Well Graham is the geezer who got home late one night and Helen his wife, says. "Where the hell have you been?"

Graham replies. "I was getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo?" She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar note on my privates." He said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar note tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want."

Graham is now in The Critical Care Unit, Room 233. No visitors until further notice.

Capt'n Midnight · 13-12-2021 9:27pm

Sir Kier Starmer would like it to be known he has never arranged an illegal Christmas Party. In fact he is incapable of organising any party.

magicbastarder · 14-12-2021 10:00am

who knew that max verstappen's grandad, hanx, was a bus driver in belfast many years ago?

everlast75 · 15-12-2021 9:51pm

DID YOU KNOW...

David Bowie bought Bing Crosby a pom pom for Christmas.

Not any old pom pom, though -

A proper pom pom.

B.A._Baracus · 20-12-2021 9:22pm

Just made this one up. Probably needs refinement. But....

What did the proctologist say to the taxman?

.... must be a change to be the one bending over.

magicbastarder · 22-12-2021 3:55pm

https://twitter.com/JulianDutton1/status/1473288538229817353

silliussoddius · 22-12-2021 4:08pm

What did the man say to the blind prostitute?

i have to hand it to you.

22-12-2021 8:23pm

BREAKING NEWS!

The High Court of Ireland has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene at Dàil Eireann this Christmas season.

This is not for any religious reason. Apparently it proved impossible to find Three Wise Men in Government Buildings. A search for a Virgin continues.

There was, however, NO problem finding enough asses to fill the stable!