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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 257 ✭✭Fallout2022


    Storm Dudley's on the way!

    I'm not sure we can take any moore...



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,538 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight




  • Registered Users Posts: 1,261 ✭✭✭Gant21


    Post



  • Registered Users Posts: 257 ✭✭Fallout2022


    I just seen a man putting liquorice sweets into a parking meter. 

    It takes allsorts, I suppose



  • Registered Users Posts: 257 ✭✭Fallout2022


    There is a group of shoplifters going round systematically stealing clothes by size, police believe they are still at large...



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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,966 ✭✭✭Heighway61


    Why are there pyramids in Egypt?

    They are too heavy to be carried to the British Museum.



  • Registered Users Posts: 257 ✭✭Fallout2022


    Bland salad is a problem that needs addressing...



  • Registered Users Posts: 18,877 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Couldn't undo the buttons on my jumper so tried pulling it over my head but it got stuck.


    Now sitting in A&E waiting to see a cardyologist...



  • Registered Users Posts: 18,877 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    'I was going to give up being a streaker on health grounds, but then the doctor convinced me to stick it out for another year...'



  • Registered Users Posts: 514 ✭✭✭FraserburghFreddie


    With all this wind I'm worried about the caravan in our garden!

    We didn't have one yesterday.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 257 ✭✭Fallout2022


    Just seen a man with no arms cycle past me. Don't know his names but his face rings a bell.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,538 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Doctor: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!

    Patient: But my birthday's not till next month

    Doctor: Which brings me to the bad news



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,538 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    THE JOHNSON DEFENCE: Although my client was wearing a balaclava and brought his own shotgun, he was unaware that he was attending a bank robbery.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,538 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Much of Scotland and Wales is without power.. Now .......over to the weather news!



  • Registered Users Posts: 1,194 ✭✭✭hawley


    Did you ever see a pig's cheek with two eyes?

    You'd see it with your own two eyes.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,538 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    A man is on a train running down the carriage. "Is there a priest on this train, It's an emergency". "Is there an Anglican vicar, anybody"? "Is there a Rabbi on board, please it's an emergency".

    "Excuse me i'm an Iman".

    "Oh you're no good ...


    ... we need a corkscrew".



  • Registered Users Posts: 1,966 ✭✭✭Heighway61


    I went on a date with someone who also spoke Zulu.

    We clicked right away.



  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,215 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home




  • Registered Users Posts: 18,069 ✭✭✭✭fryup


    for the week that's in it....

    During the Winter Olympics ice skating competition the final skater raced on to the ice and slipped over on his bum. He recovered and then fell again, and again, and again like Bambi on ice.

    Up went the marks of the judges.

    Great Britain 0.0

    Germany 0.0

    France 0.0

    Ireland 6.0

    'Why the score high score?' asked the stunned officials.

    'Well,' said the Irish Judge, 'You've got to make allowances. I mean it was fierce slippy out there' 😋



  • Registered Users Posts: 6,010 ✭✭✭TheRiverman


    Just reading about the time condoms were first imported into Ireland, they were taxed at the point of entry.



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  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,538 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    The cops have just left. They said that if I want to walk around the house naked, I have to do it inside.



  • Registered Users Posts: 18,877 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    "Like a virgin" has just been translated into the national language of the Netherlands. Dutch for the very first time...



  • Registered Users Posts: 1,194 ✭✭✭hawley


    What stands on one leg and has its' heart in its' head?


    A head of cabbage.



  • Posts: 0 Ameer Great Pail


    In a Dublin Nursing home an old priest lay dying.

    For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital.

    He motioned for his nurse to come near. "Yes, Father?", said the nurse.

    "I would really like to see Leo Varadkar and Micheál Martin before I die" whispered the priest.

    "I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.

    The nurse sent the request to Leinster House and waited for a response.

    Soon the word arrived;

    Leo and Micheál would be delighted to visit the priest.

    As they went to the hospital, Leo commented to Micheál

    "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images".

    Micheál agreed that it was the right thing to do at this time.

    When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Leos hand in his right hand and then Micheáls hand in his left.

    There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

    The old priest slowly said: "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ". "Amen", said Leo. "Amen", said Micheál.

    The old priest continued,

    "Jesus died between two lying thieving bastards, and I would like to do the same !!!.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,538 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    A new book claims that Jesus had a wife and two kids. In other words, he suffered even more than we thought...



  • Registered Users Posts: 1,261 ✭✭✭Gant21


    This is a joke.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,538 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Two birds in a field.

    First bird: "Russia bad. Russia doing invasion."

    Second bird: "Ukraine?"

    First bird: "No. Me seagull." .



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,538 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    No one seems to trust the motives of Vladimir Putin, but if you ask me his great uncle Ras was a bigger menace.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,538 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I just got a job as a cuckoo in a cuckoo clock.

    It’s not the best job in the world, but it gets me out of the house.



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  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,538 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I was chatting up an amoeba in the pub. She must have been keen as I had her undivided attention.



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