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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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Comments

  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 71,458 Mod ✭✭✭✭ New Home


    Too soon.


  • Registered Users Posts: 724 ✭✭✭ Hagar7


    The answer is always NO.

    How many times do folk say 'I slept like a log last night.'
    Quite a lot i guess.
    So here's the point.....Have you ever heard of a log snoring?
    Have you ever seen a log pulling up the covers?
    Have you ever heard a log asking for its conjugal rights?
    Have you ever seen a log go for a pee in the middle of the night?
    Have you ever heard a log talk in its sleep?
    Zzzzzzzz.nite everyone.


  • Moderators, Home & Garden Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 31,044 Mod ✭✭✭✭ dolanbaker


    Just be sure not to wake up with a log in the bed!


  • Registered Users Posts: 16,162 ✭✭✭✭ everlast75


    Guys, just wanted to take a minute to wish you a very merry Christmas and a happy year, most of all good health! These days people don't spend much time or thought on some personal words to their friends and family, they just copy and paste some random message and send it on. So after all we've been though together this year I want to thank you for your friendship and wish you a happy and fulfilling 2018 - you’re the best gymnastics group anyone could ask for. Best wishes, Helen


  • Registered Users Posts: 16,162 ✭✭✭✭ everlast75


    Two men walking through the desert.

    Desperate for a drink of water, get to the top of a dune and see a Bedouin market in the next valley.

    Overjoyed, they run down to the market and approach the nearest stallholder to ask him for some water.

    "Sorry", he says, "I don't have any water, Only custard, jelly or sponge cake".

    Frustrated, they try the next stall.

    And the next, and the next one after that.

    Every stallholder just says the same thing, "sorry, I only have jelly, sponge cake or custard".

    Getting more and more thirsty, they leave the market and continue their search for water.

    "That was very strange, back there" says the first man to his friend.



    "I agree", says his friend, "it was a trifle bazaar".


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  • Registered Users Posts: 17,861 ✭✭✭✭ The Princess Bride


    I thought I heard "Tubular Bells" on my farm yesterday, but it was just
    my cold field.


  • Registered Users Posts: 17,861 ✭✭✭✭ The Princess Bride


    My new year's resolution is to stop using spray deodorants.
    Roll on 2021.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,436 ✭✭✭ silliussoddius


    Only 371 more days til Christmas folks..

    Or 1,200 sleeps if you're in Spain.


  • Registered Users Posts: 11,426 ✭✭✭✭ GBX


    Spotted an Albino Dalmatian today .... Twas the least I could do for him.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭ RobMc59


    I still don't know what I'm wearing to the living room New years eve...I might not even go.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 16,162 ✭✭✭✭ everlast75


    New Year's Eve is tonight and I'm very nervous.

    I've been diagnosed with auld langxiety.


  • Registered Users Posts: 12,963 ✭✭✭✭ M.T. Cranium


    I made a resolution for new years to try to improve my memory.

    You know, it's new years, maybe I should make a resolution. Any suggestions?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,072 12gauge dave


    I have a lazy eye and my girlfriends keep breaking up with me...

    They seem to think I'm always seeing someone else


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 87,784 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Capt'n Midnight


    On a positive note in 2021 I’m closer to being a millionaire than Jeff Bezos is...


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,705 ✭✭✭ TheBody


    The is a bloke in town selling Covid vaccines. €2 each or 3 for a Pfizer.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 87,784 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Capt'n Midnight


    Donald Trump is furious and demanding an investigation to find out who has been teaching republicans how to use the record function on phones.


  • Moderators, Home & Garden Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 31,044 Mod ✭✭✭✭ dolanbaker


    I debated a flat Earther once.
    He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.

    He’ll come around, eventually.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 87,784 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Capt'n Midnight


    It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub.

    It’s a thirty five minute walk from the pub to my house.









    The difference is staggering!!


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,728 ✭✭✭ dilallio


    Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

    Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

    Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches, and healing crystals all my life, and they never let me down. Now, will you do things my way, or do I need to talk to the hospital management?

    Doctor: Sure, sure, lady. We'll do things your way. Does an astrology-based approach work for you?

    Karen: That's better! Of course, it would!

    Doctor: What's your birth sign?

    Karen: Cancer.

    Doctor: Well what a fcuking coincidence.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭ RobMc59


    From Monday postmen will be working from home.
    They will read all your letters and ring you if there's anything important..


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  • Registered Users Posts: 38 AIRMiNet


    Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you.

    Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,607 ✭✭✭ milltown


    A guy is walking the seedier side of town looking for "companionship". After chatting to one of the ladies and agreeing terms she says "I feel I should tell you, I don't have a womb"
    The guy thinks for a second and says "why would that concern me?"
    She says "Oh, it just means we'll have to do it against the wailings"


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 285 ✭✭ Hellokitty1212


    Guy walks into a chemist and asks for a deodorant.

    “Ball or aerosol sir ?”

    “Neither, it’s for under my arms!”


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,621 ✭✭✭✭ Suckit


    A Collie was talking about how hard he works on the farm where he lives.

    A nearby sheep piped up 'YOU don't work hard, all you do is boss US around.' 'WHAT DID YOU SAY' shouted the collie. 'You herd me' the sheep replied.


  • Registered Users Posts: 38 AIRMiNet


    A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

    The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

    The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

    Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

    The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

    The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

    Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

    He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

    The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

    The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

    "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

    He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

    "Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

    "That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 87,784 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Capt'n Midnight


    My girlfriend has started using a pencil for her eyebrows.

    Looks pretty ridiculous.




    Plus, it keeps falling off her forehead.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 87,784 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Capt'n Midnight


    I just got a new personal best in the 100 metre sprint!

    73 metres.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 87,784 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Capt'n Midnight


    Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword will die by the sword"

    He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a wooden structure, so he might have had a point.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 87,784 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Capt'n Midnight


    Breaking News:
    Leeds United are to be fined by the UK government after making an unnecessary journey to Crawley Town.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 5,705 ✭✭✭ TheBody


    My dog responds to commands better in Spanish.

    She's Espanol.


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