The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight

Yesterday, I got so depressed.. ..I spent entire day listening to Celine Dion records. . . Or that's what I thought until I realised my cat had fallen in to the dryer.

Capt'n Midnight

The majority of people believe that the most washed body part in 2021 was the hands. But in fact it was the brain.

RobMc59

..

chewed

Whycouldtheastronautnotgetabeer?

Therewasnospacebar

RobMc59

After a week of widespread panic buying,the UK adds brain cells to the growing list of shortages..

Heighway61

My son kept chewing on the power leads. So I had to ground him.

He's doing better currently. He's conducting himself properly.

M.T. Cranium

He was probably just trying to impress his amperes.

Capt'n Midnight

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117961449#Comment_117961449

And by grounding I take it you made him stay at ohm.

Probably just a phase he was going through. Did he resist or was he stay neutral ?

If he does it again socket to him.

New Home

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117961449#Comment_117961449

I can't believe Watt I've just read... Seriously, Watt the f*ck??!?

chewed

Lawyers say R Kelly will be happy with a life sentence.

He believed he would fry.

RobMc59

I went to the doctors yesterday, he told me to watch my drinking so I drink infront of the mirror now.

iamstop

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117961449#Comment_117961449

This is happening with my son also. I tried to ground him but was not successful, he gave me too much resistance.

Ohm going to wait Faraday that he's not so charged up to try again.

pappyodaniel

I'm not from San Francisco, but I was reared there.

dublin49

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117962222#Comment_117962222

Moss Keanes old one ,"i read drinking is bad for you so gave up reading"

chewed

I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

Heighway61

My new electric razor is the best thing since sliced beard.

RobMc59

I was doing a crossword in the pub and said to my Scottish mate

"I'm stuck on one,trapped on a desert island,eight letters, starting with M."

He said"Marooned".

I said,"thanks,I'll have a pint of lager then!".

Capt'n Midnight

A ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying brown paint. The survivors were ...

New Home

Brought to Bordeaux?

everlast75

If you turn a canoe over, you can wear it as a hat.

Because it's cap sized...

its_steve116

I was ordering large fries in McDonalds the other day and when I went to the McCafe for a drink, I was greatly shocked and surprised to see one of the girls from Skins behind the counter! I recognized her almost instantly, but couldn't remember her name. I went up to her and initially ordered a tea. She said, "have you tried our new stout?" I replied "no I didn't even know that you guys were licensed to sell booze!" She said the stout was better than any I'd ever get served in a pub. So what I did was flip a coin; if it landed on heads I would have tea, if tails stout. It landed on tails, and I decided that I didn't want to get intoxicated in a family restaurant, so instead of a regular stout, I went with a smaller serving. I paid for my food and stout and serving me the stout, the girl turned around and said in her well spoken Scottish accent: "Here's your Mini McGuinness!"

everlast75

I'd love to take the members of ABBA out for a meal.

I would, my friend, for Nando's...

Capt'n Midnight

An unemployed Jester is nobody's fool!

Dakota Dan

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ’You died in your sleep, Ralph.’

Ralph was stunned. ’I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’

St. Peter said, ’I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.’

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. ’So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’

’Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’

’You’re ovulating,’ explained the rooster. ’Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before? ’

"Never," said Ralph. 

Well, just relax and let it happen, says the rooster. ’It’s no big deal.’

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

"Ralph! Wake up you dirty bastard. You **** the bed!!"

-SS xP

Dakota Dan

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mmpx_ZzIYQg

joeguevara

I wonder where Steve Bruce will beheading off to now?

in a recent survey it was found that 30 % of Irish people between the ages of 18 and 40 are binge drinkers .........everyone else just drinks Guinness .

The Princess Bride

What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?

Black eyed peas can sing us a song, chickpeas can only hummus one.

chewed

The Beach Boys walk into a pub.

"Round?"

"Round."

"Get a round."

"I'll get a round."

The Princess Bride

My friend died of heartburn.

I still can't believe Gav is gone.