The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Paddy was on his death bed and knew the end was near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast.

He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son Seamus, i want you to take the houses in Shankhill."

"My daughter Geraldine, you take the apartments over in Malone road."

"My son Patrick Junior, i want you to take the offices in the city centre."

"Bridget my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road.

The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife "Mrs O'Shaughnessy , my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..

"Property?", his wife replies. "The fucker had a window cleaning round."

YFlyer

What is the difference between Dwight Yorke and the IDF?

M.T. Cranium

Only one is welcome in Sunderland?

joeguevara

If you ask me solar power is the way forward. But it won't happen overnight!

iamstop

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118116368#Comment_118116368

That's a real kick where the sun don't shine.

joeguevara

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118118620#Comment_118118620

I still don’t fully believe in solar power but I am warming up to the idea. Solar power is so hot right now but you’d swear it’s advocates believe that the earth revolves around them. All I can say to those who are against it and spout drivel about traditional energy is ‘coal story bro’.

iamstop

Those against it are just blowing smoke!

They don't understand the gravity of the situation.

The future of solar is bright.

I had to rain on their parade but the data will soon take the wind out of their sails and sales!

joeguevara

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118118841#Comment_118118841

As long as everyone remains grounded and think of the earth.

Heighway61

An oldie but a Goldie...

So there is this couple and they adopt a baby from Germany. The baby never starts speaking, even after 3 years. After four years of the boy not speaking the couple take the boy to the doctor, but the doctor says that everything is developing fine, and that there is nothing wrong with him.

Then one day, when the boy is eating some apple strudel, and he says, "This apple strudel is a bit tepid".

"Wolfgang," the couple say, "you have never spoken before, why do you speak now after all these years?"

And the boy says, "Up until now everything had been satisfactory"

Capt'n Midnight

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118116368#Comment_118116368

Are they the silly con solar panels that don't FIT ?

everlast75

I ordered some bread rolls that were so shiny, I took them back to the baker to complain.

I went in all buns glazing...

M.T. Cranium

There was a George Harrison imitator who only had a banjo.

Close, but no sitar.

Heighway61

I always fancied becoming a Gregorian monk. Chants would be a fine thing.

joeguevara

I lost out in a promotion today to a very attractive, diligent lady 20 years older than me. I was really down until my work colleagues said ‘don’t cry over a skilled milf’.

Heighway61

The local swimming pool committee were going door-to-door looking for a small donation so I gave them a glass of water.

blade1

Elton John bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit.

(Altogether now)

🎶 It's a little fit bunny 🎶

everlast75

I was going to stay by myself for Christmas.

But then my parents called and offered to make me eggs Benedict every day if I stayed with them.

It looks like I'm going home for the Hollandaise!

Suckit

The neighbour’s over the road have a christmas light that is doing my head in!!

It’s this little yellow box with a flashing blue light which lets out a continuous AND LOUD beeping noise!!!

I went over to complain, but they’re not in...and they’ve left the fecking door wide open!!. 🤷‍♂️

Suckit

I popped into the chemist earlier and I asked the guy behind the counter,

“What's the best thing to use to kill off coronavirus on kitchen surfaces?”

He answered,

"Ammonia cleaner."

I said,

"Oh sorry, my mistake - I thought you were the pharmacist...”

Nodster

Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't The Monkey's Mike Nesmiths' mother invent Tippex?

MrCostington

Borrowed from 'Fargo'

Did you hear about the guy that wanted a personalized number plate, but couldn't afford it?

He changed his name to 212 G 82367

GBX

I went to see my doctor today. I said "I applied the pile cream you gave me and i got a very nasty reaction."

"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.

I said "On the bus!"

Graham Martin is in Hospital:

Who the hell is GRAHAM?

Well Graham is the geezer who got home late one night and Helen his wife, says. "Where the hell have you been?"

Graham replies. "I was getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo?" She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar note on my privates." He said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar note tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want."

Graham is now in The Critical Care Unit, Room 233. No visitors until further notice.

Capt'n Midnight

Sir Kier Starmer would like it to be known he has never arranged an illegal Christmas Party. In fact he is incapable of organising any party.

magicbastarder

who knew that max verstappen's grandad, hanx, was a bus driver in belfast many years ago?

everlast75

DID YOU KNOW...

David Bowie bought Bing Crosby a pom pom for Christmas.

Not any old pom pom, though -

A proper pom pom.

B.A._Baracus

Just made this one up. Probably needs refinement. But....

What did the proctologist say to the taxman?

.... must be a change to be the one bending over.

magicbastarder

https://twitter.com/JulianDutton1/status/1473288538229817353

silliussoddius

What did the man say to the blind prostitute?

i have to hand it to you.

BREAKING NEWS!

The High Court of Ireland has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene at Dàil Eireann this Christmas season.

This is not for any religious reason. Apparently it proved impossible to find Three Wise Men in Government Buildings. A search for a Virgin continues.

There was, however, NO problem finding enough asses to fill the stable!