The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Mr. CooL ICE

How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position.

What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost.

Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits.



Original thread here

Rubberlegs

Why was the egg arrested?
He was walking down the road with his yolk hanging out

What do you say to a constipated cat?
Have a break, have a sh1t, cat.

kupus

A woman in a hot-air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

“She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.”

“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”

The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Liberal .”

“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”


“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Why don't polar bears eat Penguins?

They can't get teh wrappers off...

blade1

How do penguins like their whisky?

On the rocks!

What's a penguin's favorite Mexican dish?

Brrrrrrritos!:pac:

buck65

What's black and white and red all over....?

Penguin jokes being flogged to death.

blade1

buck65 wrote: »

What's black and white and red all over....?

Penguin jokes being flogged to death.

Go way you grumpy balls!!:P

Hagar7

How does an Eskimo mend a broken window?

Igloos it.

Hagar7

So I was on a bus when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said "would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.

After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.

I asked her, "Why don't you eat them yourself?"
"Because we've got no teeth", she replied.

"Then why do you buy them?", I asked.
"Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them."

Hagar7

Absolutely fuming, just been pulled over by the police and as I got out of the car the officer said, "Turn Around" so I replied "Every now and then I get a little bit terrified when I see the look in your eyes", the officer then shouted "TURN AROUND" so I said "Bright Eyes"...... it was at this point I got tasered.

Syphonax

Coming back home from Boston on Easyjet earlier this year when the American pilot started doing his speech thing "We are now cruising at 35,00 feet" when he was done he forgot to turn off the intercom and went on talking to his co-pilot saying "you know what I could go for right now is a fukin blowjob and a cup of coffee" The stewardess hearing this at the back of the plane goes bombing up to the cockpit and as she passes me I yells to her "Hey stewardess, dont forget the coffee!"

true story

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Syphonax wrote: »

Coming back home from Boston on Easyjet earlier this year when the American pilot started doing his speech thing "We are now cruising at 35,00 feet" when he was done he forgot to turn off the intercom and went on talking to his co-pilot saying "you know what I could go for right now is a fukin blowjob and a cup of coffee" The stewardess hearing this at the back of the plane goes bombing up to the cockpit and as she passes me I yells to her "Hey stewardess, dont forget the coffee!"

true story

Hmmm....

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

What did the Horse say when he got out of the fridge?

Brrrr....

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Dung Beetle wants into a bar - "is this stool taken?"

Syphonax

Princess Consuela Bananahammock wrote: »

Hmmm....

Plane was diverted from the North Pole due to penguins

@#$%^&amp

A mother asks her young sons what they want for breakfast. The first little boy says, “I’ll have some @#$%^& pancakes.” The mother angrily sends him to his room for cursing.

She glares at the other little boy and asks, “What do you want for breakfast?!”

The second boy says, “Well, I sure don’t want the @#$%^& pancakes!”

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, an American, an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, an a Norwegian walk into a posh bar.

"Sorry lads," says the bouncer, "but you can't come in here without a Thai."

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Syphonax wrote: »

Plane was diverted from the North Pole due to penguins

Well done, Kowalski - now give me options!

thesandeman

buck65 wrote: »

What's black and white and red all over....?

Penguin jokes being flogged to death.

That's another bloody penguin joke.

blade1

Syphonax wrote: »

Plane was diverted from the North Pole due to penguins

Funny that, as penguins only live in the southern hemisphere!!!

rizzodun

blade1 wrote: »

Funny that, as penguins only live in the southern hemisphere!!!

What do you call 500 penguins at the North Pole?
Lost!

everlast75

What's brown and sticky?















A stick

Riddle101

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.

The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of whisky; it's given to him and he's locked away.
The Irishman asks for a year's supply of Guinness so he's locked up with several thousand bottles of it.
The Englishman asks for a year's supply of cigarettes and he's given a pile of cartons and the cell door is shut on him.
One year later, the doors are all unlocked.

The Scotsman staggers out and shouts, 'I'm free!' and then keels over dead from alcohol poisoning.
The Irishman is dragged out into the light, whereupon he promptly dies of liver failure.
When the door to the Englishman's cell is opened, everybody watches eagerly to see what sort of a wreck the man has made of himself.

To their surprise, he walks right out the door, sidles up to the first person he sees, and asks, 'I say you wouldn't happen to have a match, would you?'

TheChevron

Whats brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

Just close the thread.

Hagar7

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.

Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck em' dry."

The policeman fainted.

Bushmanpm

My mum is so fat when she fell down the stairs I thought EastEnders was finishing

Bushmanpm

I've grown a beard but my wife says it makes me look like a Muslim.
Azif.

coolhull

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

GerB40

TheChevron wrote: »

Whats brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

Just close the thread.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?





A carrot....

signostic

Two athletes unknown to each other meet at the Olympics and one asks the other "are you a pole vaulter?" to which he replied ""No, I'm German but how did you know my name"

Microdot

A huge hole has been discovered near my house.
Police are looking into it.

Microdot

I was at the local baths today and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.
The Lifeguard must have notice.
He blew his whistle so fxxking loud, i nearly fell in.

MonkieSocks

I visited the Patent office to register some of my Camping Inventions.

I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out.

She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"

"A Fottle."

"What else do you have?"

"I have also invented a folding carton."

Again she said, "what do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She sniggered and said,

"Those are silly names for products, and one of them sounds kind of crude."




I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket


_____________________________________________




For Sale Washer And Dryer

Two leprechauns went to the convent and begged an audience with the Mother Superior. “Well, how can I help you little people?” asked Mother Superior.
The larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked “Oh Mother Superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns here at the convent?”
“No,” says Mother Superior, “I don’t have any midget nuns here at the convent.”
“All right then, Mother Superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns in all of Ireland then?”
“No, no,” replied Mother Superior, “I don’t know of any nuns who are also midgets in all of Ireland at all.”
“Well then Mother Superior, in all of nundom, in the whole world of all the nuns, would you be knowing, then, of any midget nuns?”
“No, I would not; there are no midget nuns in the whole of the world!” replied Mother Superior, “and would you please tell me what this is all about!!?”
The asking leprechaun turned sadly to the other leprechaun and said “See, it’s as I told you all along… you’ve been dating a penguin!”

kingchess

Musical joke for all you sophisticated people out there-what is very brown and sits on a piano stool? Beethovens last movement.

^^^
No, it's a stool on a stool!

K.Flyer

More like a bum note..

Deleted User

Deleted User wrote: »

^^^
No, it's a stool on a stool!

K.Flyer wrote: »

More like a bum note..

What you say again?

Wailin

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Runyp

Runyp who?

RayM

Customer: Hello, can I have one of the chocolate bars with purple wrap?
Shopkeeper: Turkish?
Customer: Merhaba, mor sarması olan çikolata çubuklarından birine sahip olabilir miyim?
Shopkeeper: Get out of my shop.

Probably repeating someone else's post now, sorry:o


Latest headlines:

"Stationery shop moves"

I'll probably get banned for this:

Did you hear the joke about the German sausage? It was the wurst.

MonkieSocks

MonkieSocks wrote: »

I visited the Patent office to register some of my Camping Inventions.

I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out.

She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"

"A Fottle."

"What else do you have?"

"I have also invented a folding carton."

Again she said, "what do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She sniggered and said,

"Those are silly names for products, and one of them sounds kind of crude."




I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket

Syl Fox?

MonkieSocks

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

Syl Fox?

Yeah the Funny Fox, lovely man seen him lots of times in The Donaghmede Inn

Here's another one I heard him tell.


Lone Ranger wakes up, steps out of the tent to see Tonto with his ear to ground.

What is it Tonto?

Buffalo come, replies Tonto

You can tell that from the vibrations you feel?



No - Ground Sticky

-My daughter has gone to Malawi
-Lilongwe?
-Yes, about 5000 miles

bobdcow

Knock Knock...

Who's there?

Biggish

Biggish Who?

No thanks...

GBX

I said to the wife, I've got a problem.
She replied. "No we have a problem.
We are a couple, we're a unit."
"Your problem is my problem. We are in this together."

" Over whelmed with relief, I said, "it's hardly worth mentioning now," but she was insistent on knowing.
" What is the problem?"
I then had to explain to her that, " WE have got your sister pregnant!

MonkieSocks

Microdot

Martin McGuinness arrives at the Pearly Gates, there's no-one around so he rattles them until he sees some activity.

St Peter comes out to the gates, recognises Martin and says "Heck, I wasn't expecting to see you up here".

Martin replies "I don't know why not, I phoned half an hour ago with a warning".

MonkieSocks

A Man with Authority walks into a Bar and Orders everyone a round!

branie2

Where do you go dancing in California?

San Frandisco