Advertisement
We've partnered up with Nixers.com to offer a space where you can talk directly to Peter from Nixers.com and get an exclusive Boards.ie discount code for a free job listing. If you are recruiting or know anyone else who is please check out the forum here.
If you have a new account but can't post, please email Niamh on [email protected] for help to verify your email address. Thanks :)

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

  • 15-06-2017 4:09pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 17,061 ✭✭✭✭ Mr. CooL ICE


    How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position.

    What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost.

    Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits.



    Original thread here


«134567167

Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 7,073 ✭✭✭ Rubberlegs


    Why was the egg arrested?
    He was walking down the road with his yolk hanging out

    What do you say to a constipated cat?
    Have a break, have a sh1t, cat.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,151 ✭✭✭ kupus


    A woman in a hot-air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

    The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

    “She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.”

    “I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”

    “Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”

    The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Liberal .”

    “I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”


    “Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”


  • Registered Users Posts: 30,191 ✭✭✭✭ Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    Why don't polar bears eat Penguins?

    They can't get teh wrappers off...


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,565 ✭✭✭✭ blade1


    How do penguins like their whisky?

    On the rocks!

    What's a penguin's favorite Mexican dish?

    Brrrrrrritos!:pac:


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,969 ✭✭✭ buck65


    What's black and white and red all over....?

    Penguin jokes being flogged to death.


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 10,565 ✭✭✭✭ blade1


    buck65 wrote: »
    What's black and white and red all over....?

    Penguin jokes being flogged to death.

    Go way you grumpy balls!!:P


  • Registered Users Posts: 724 ✭✭✭ Hagar7


    How does an Eskimo mend a broken window?

    Igloos it.


  • Registered Users Posts: 724 ✭✭✭ Hagar7


    So I was on a bus when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

    I turned around and saw an old lady. She said "would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

    "Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

    A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.

    After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.

    I asked her, "Why don't you eat them yourself?"
    "Because we've got no teeth", she replied.

    "Then why do you buy them?", I asked.
    "Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them."


  • Registered Users Posts: 724 ✭✭✭ Hagar7


    Absolutely fuming, just been pulled over by the police and as I got out of the car the officer said, "Turn Around" so I replied "Every now and then I get a little bit terrified when I see the look in your eyes", the officer then shouted "TURN AROUND" so I said "Bright Eyes"...... it was at this point I got tasered.


  • Registered Users Posts: 448 ✭✭ Syphonax


    Coming back home from Boston on Easyjet earlier this year when the American pilot started doing his speech thing "We are now cruising at 35,00 feet" when he was done he forgot to turn off the intercom and went on talking to his co-pilot saying "you know what I could go for right now is a fukin blowjob and a cup of coffee" The stewardess hearing this at the back of the plane goes bombing up to the cockpit and as she passes me I yells to her "Hey stewardess, dont forget the coffee!"

    true story


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 30,191 ✭✭✭✭ Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    Syphonax wrote: »
    Coming back home from Boston on Easyjet earlier this year when the American pilot started doing his speech thing "We are now cruising at 35,00 feet" when he was done he forgot to turn off the intercom and went on talking to his co-pilot saying "you know what I could go for right now is a fukin blowjob and a cup of coffee" The stewardess hearing this at the back of the plane goes bombing up to the cockpit and as she passes me I yells to her "Hey stewardess, dont forget the coffee!"

    true story

    Hmmm....


  • Registered Users Posts: 30,191 ✭✭✭✭ Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    What did the Horse say when he got out of the fridge?

    Brrrr....


  • Registered Users Posts: 30,191 ✭✭✭✭ Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    Dung Beetle wants into a bar - "is this stool taken?"


  • Registered Users Posts: 448 ✭✭ Syphonax


    Hmmm....

    Plane was diverted from the North Pole due to penguins


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,281 ✭✭✭ PlentyOhToole


    A mother asks her young sons what they want for breakfast. The first little boy says, “I’ll have some @#$%^& pancakes.” The mother angrily sends him to his room for cursing.

    She glares at the other little boy and asks, “What do you want for breakfast?!”

    The second boy says, “Well, I sure don’t want the @#$%^& pancakes!”


  • Registered Users Posts: 30,191 ✭✭✭✭ Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, an American, an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, an a Norwegian walk into a posh bar.

    "Sorry lads," says the bouncer, "but you can't come in here without a Thai."


  • Registered Users Posts: 30,191 ✭✭✭✭ Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    Syphonax wrote: »
    Plane was diverted from the North Pole due to penguins

    Well done, Kowalski - now give me options!


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,735 ✭✭✭ thesandeman


    buck65 wrote: »
    What's black and white and red all over....?

    Penguin jokes being flogged to death.

    That's another bloody penguin joke.


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,565 ✭✭✭✭ blade1


    Syphonax wrote: »
    Plane was diverted from the North Pole due to penguins

    Funny that, as penguins only live in the southern hemisphere!!!


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,598 ✭✭✭ rizzodun


    blade1 wrote: »
    Funny that, as penguins only live in the southern hemisphere!!!

    What do you call 500 penguins at the North Pole?
    Lost!


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 16,517 ✭✭✭✭ everlast75


    What's brown and sticky?















    A stick


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,862 ✭✭✭ Riddle101


    A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.

    The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of whisky; it's given to him and he's locked away.
    The Irishman asks for a year's supply of Guinness so he's locked up with several thousand bottles of it.
    The Englishman asks for a year's supply of cigarettes and he's given a pile of cartons and the cell door is shut on him.
    One year later, the doors are all unlocked.

    The Scotsman staggers out and shouts, 'I'm free!' and then keels over dead from alcohol poisoning.
    The Irishman is dragged out into the light, whereupon he promptly dies of liver failure.
    When the door to the Englishman's cell is opened, everybody watches eagerly to see what sort of a wreck the man has made of himself.

    To their surprise, he walks right out the door, sidles up to the first person he sees, and asks, 'I say you wouldn't happen to have a match, would you?'


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,064 ✭✭✭ TheChevron


    Whats brown and rhymes with snoop?

    Dr. Dre

    Just close the thread. :o


  • Registered Users Posts: 724 ✭✭✭ Hagar7


    Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

    One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.

    Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.

    Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

    Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

    "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

    A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"

    Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck em' dry."

    The policeman fainted.


  • Registered Users Posts: 191 ✭✭ Bushmanpm


    My mum is so fat when she fell down the stairs I thought EastEnders was finishing


  • Registered Users Posts: 191 ✭✭ Bushmanpm


    I've grown a beard but my wife says it makes me look like a Muslim.
    Azif.


  • Registered Users Posts: 49,731 ✭✭✭✭ coolhull


    A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.
    She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.

    Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

    Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

    Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

    Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,047 GerB40


    TheChevron wrote: »
    Whats brown and rhymes with snoop?

    Dr. Dre

    Just close the thread. :o

    What's orange and sounds like a parrot?





    A carrot....


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,875 ✭✭✭ signostic


    Two athletes unknown to each other meet at the Olympics and one asks the other "are you a pole vaulter?" to which he replied ""No, I'm German but how did you know my name"


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 354 ✭✭ Microdot


    A huge hole has been discovered near my house.
    Police are looking into it.


Advertisement