The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight

Helium addiction is horrible because no one takes your cries for help seriously.

Capt'n Midnight

It's been a bit of a strange morning for me, first I found a hat full of money and then I got chased by an angry guy with a guitar.

Capt'n Midnight

I used to work in a Cat Shop. I had to pack it in, they cut all meowers..

Capt'n Midnight

Most people think genetic engineering is a relatively new innovation, but it's actually been around since the days of our four fathers.

Capt'n Midnight

Turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday

Capt'n Midnight

If you're here for the yodelling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

Suckit

The family dog has been very aggressive lately.

My son suggested getting his balls chopped off..

I don't know what good that has done. Now I have an aggressive dog and a son with no bollocks!!

Capt'n Midnight

When transporting a live animal it’s important that you leave air holes in the container.

Equally important as I learned recently - remove the animal before drilling the holes.

fryup

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman wanted to see the Olympics, but they didn't have tickets. They went round back to see if they could sneak in, but there was a guard at the rear entrance which is also where the competing athletes entered. The Englishman looks around and sees a long pole on the ground and gets an idea. He grabs the pole and walks up to the guard and says "Bentley. England Pole Vaulting." The guard thinks he's an athlete and let's him in. The Scotsman sees this and thinks he could try too. He grabbed a manhole cover and walked up to the guard. "MacGregor. Scotland Discus." and the guard let him in. The Irishman is looking all over for something to help get him in and sees a bale of barbed wire. He grabs the bale and proudly exclaims to the guard...'Murphy Ireland Fencing'😋

fryup

Mary says to Paddy "if you were stranded on a desert island who would you like most to be with you?”

“My uncle Mick” replies Paddy.

“What’s so special about him?” asks a disappointed Mary.

“He’s got a boat,” says Paddy😋

Heighway61

For years I suffered from Frachtiphobia but I have finally managed to get over it.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117729131#Comment_117729131

That joke is offenceive

we decided to hire a house cleaner from Eastern Europe, took her 3 days to hoover the carpet, turned out she was a Slovak

The Princess Bride

I made a support for my hernia out of Kleenex but I'm not so sure that it'll help, because I've got truss tissues.

The Princess Bride

Do you remember when air was free at the petrol station, and now it costs €1-2? That's inflation.

geminiman63

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage.

The sign said it was bread in captivity 😅

Esel

When the doctor was checking my prostate, he told me it was normal to get an erection. I said "I don't have an erection", he said "Not you, me". 😯

RobMc59

The wife and I took up woodworking.

A friend said he didn't know we were carpenters..

I told him,"we've only just begun".

RobMc59

What car does a Jedi drive?

A ToYoda..

iamstop

I saw a man going to great efforts to feed a baby dolphin.

I asked him what he was doing.

He said "I'm trying to serve a porpoise!"

tayto lover

A woman walks into a bar and shouts “ I need a man with a 10 inch dick “.

Paddy says “ I’m not cutting 3 inches off mine for anybody “.

chewed

I asked the receptionist at my hotel if I could get a wake-up call.

They said "Your best years are slipping away from you. You drink too much. What are you doing with your life?"

Gloomtastic!

Me: Doctor, when is this bloody Coronavirus thing going to be finished?

Doctor: Don’t ask me, I’m not a politician!

Archeron

A skeleton walks into a bar. Barman looks at him and says "what can I get you"

Skeleton says, "Can I have a pint of Carlsberg and a mop"

The Princess Bride

I couldn't undo the buttons on my jumper, I tried pulling it over my head but got it stuck. Now I'm in A&E waiting to see a cardyologist.

fryup

A mechanic dies on his fiftieth birthday, and is met at the pearly gates by Saint Peter who say "Congratulations"

"Congratulations for what?" Says the mechanic,

totally amazed at the man's modesty saint Peter replies...

I'll have you know that we're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old, God himself wants to see you!"

The mechanic is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.

When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says.

"Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be fifty."

"But that's simply not possible." Says Saint Peter.

"We've added up all your time sheets!" 😋

magicbastarder

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117808283#Comment_117808283

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3LMSflEN54

...

It's my wife's birthday next week. She has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house, so I bought her a magazine rack.

Capt'n Midnight

My car broke down this morning, so I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine. Amazingly he said, “Hello, sir. You are a handsome fellow and very nicely dressed, too."

I realised the problem straight away. Bat flattery!

Capt'n Midnight

My wife's the kind of person that couldn't hurt a fly. I've never seen anyone consistently flail and miss so badly with a flyswatter.