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Hi all,
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Thanks all.

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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    #4832
    Heighway61
    Registered Users Posts: 1,966 ✭✭✭Heighway61


    I sent my hearing aid in for repair three weeks ago.

    I haven't heard anything since.



  • Options
    #4833
    FraserburghFreddie
    Registered Users Posts: 514 ✭✭✭FraserburghFreddie


    Congratulations to

    Hugh Zappritti Boyden,on his new role as chairman of the Irish budgerigar association.



  • Options
    #4834
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field.



  • Options
    #4835
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Thought I saw Michael J Fox in a garden centre today.

    Although I'm not entirely sure it was him - he had his back to the fuscia.



  • Options
    #4836
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Just got back from a charity football match for stroke victims. Never seen such a one sided match.



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    #4837
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    What do you call a man with a paper bag on his head?


    Russell.



  • Options
    #4838
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    What do you call a woman balancing a pint of ale on her head?


    Beatrix



  • Options
    #4839
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    What do you call a Chinese man with a fence on his head?


    Ray Ling.



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    #4840
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Burglars have broken into Everton FC's new trophy room and stolen the entire contents.


    Police are looking for a man with a blue carpet.



  • Options
    #4841
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    What do you call a guy with bacon on his head?

    Ham'ed.

    What do you call a guy with lots of bacon on his head?

    Mo' ham'ed

    What do you call a guy with lots of bacon on his head standing between two buildings?

    Mo' ham'ed alley!



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  • Options
    #4842
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    What colour socks do bears wear?


    - They don't wear socks, because they have bear feet



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    #4843
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    What's the difference between a carpenter & a joiner?


    A joiner works with wood, a carpenter paints cars



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    #4844
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    My girlfriend left me when she discovered my Pasta fetish,


    So i'm feeling Cannelloni now.



  • Options
    #4845
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    She asked me if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

    So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.



  • Options
    #4846
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Why was Yoda afraid of 7 ? Because 6 7 8.



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    #4847
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head?


    Edward


    What do you call a man with 3 planks of wood on his head?


    Edward Woodward


    What do you call a man with 4 planks of wood on his head?


    I don't know,




    but Edward Woodward would.



  • Options
    #4848
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Genie: What is your first wish?

    Joe: I want to be rich.

    Genie: Granted. What is your second wish?

    Rich: I want lots of money.



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    #4849
    blade1
    Registered Users Posts: 12,093 ✭✭✭✭blade1


    What's the first rule of Rick Astley's Fight Club?

    You know the rules and so do I

    (Sing in a Rick Astley voice for best effect)



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    #4850
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Hear about the one legged girl who got a job in a brewery?


    She was put in charge of the hops.



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    #4851
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I had a job working for the Samaritans once. I tried to call in sick but they talked me out of it.



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    #4852
    FraserburghFreddie
    Registered Users Posts: 514 ✭✭✭FraserburghFreddie


    It's been months since I bought the book

    "how to scam people online."

    It still hasn't arrived yet.



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    #4853
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    The wi-if was down at home, so I had to talk to the missus.


    Can't believe she's not working for Xtravision anymore.



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    #4854
    FraserburghFreddie
    Registered Users Posts: 514 ✭✭✭FraserburghFreddie


    I phoned the wife and said,"I've got something to tell you,but it's hard to say."

    She said nervously,"Go on."

    I said."Ken Dodd's Dad's Dog's Dead."



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    #4855
    cj maxx
    Registered Users Posts: 13,354 ✭✭✭✭cj maxx


    This popped up on my phone. I've never heard of him, but a good giggle

    https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://m.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DS1HO6wMGJL8&ved=2ahUKEwje5pu755_2AhUMfMAKHcH7AdsQwqsBegQIAxAE&usg=AOvVaw3wR1LHBQFL63IS9up8WzX4



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    #4856
    blade1
    Registered Users Posts: 12,093 ✭✭✭✭blade1


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118701850#Comment_118701850

    He has been going a good while now.

    One of the better uk comedians that you'd see on Dave etc.



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    #4857
    cj maxx
    Registered Users Posts: 13,354 ✭✭✭✭cj maxx


    2 tickets booked for Oct 29. Belfast. 😀



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    #4858
    fryup
    Registered Users Posts: 18,069 ✭✭✭✭fryup


    now back to jokes.....

    a man comes home and gives his wife a bunch of flowers

    and the wife says- 'oh i suppose i'll have to spread my legs for these?'

    and the man says says - 'why? have you not got a vase?'



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    #4859
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I've deleted all my German contacts from my mobile phone.


    Its now Hans free.



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    #4860
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that's abba-riginal!



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    #4861
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I went onto the library and asked if they had any books about paranoia.


    The librarian leaned forward and whispered, "they're behind you."



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