The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Heighway61

I sent my hearing aid in for repair three weeks ago.

I haven't heard anything since.

FraserburghFreddie

Congratulations to

Hugh Zappritti Boyden,on his new role as chairman of the Irish budgerigar association.

Capt'n Midnight

Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field.

Capt'n Midnight

Thought I saw Michael J Fox in a garden centre today.

Although I'm not entirely sure it was him - he had his back to the fuscia.

Capt'n Midnight

Just got back from a charity football match for stroke victims. Never seen such a one sided match.

Capt'n Midnight

What do you call a man with a paper bag on his head?

Russell.

Capt'n Midnight

What do you call a woman balancing a pint of ale on her head?

Beatrix

Capt'n Midnight

What do you call a Chinese man with a fence on his head?

Ray Ling.

Capt'n Midnight

Burglars have broken into Everton FC's new trophy room and stolen the entire contents.

Police are looking for a man with a blue carpet.

Capt'n Midnight

What do you call a guy with bacon on his head?

Ham'ed.

What do you call a guy with lots of bacon on his head?

Mo' ham'ed

What do you call a guy with lots of bacon on his head standing between two buildings?

Mo' ham'ed alley!

Capt'n Midnight

What colour socks do bears wear?

- They don't wear socks, because they have bear feet

Capt'n Midnight

What's the difference between a carpenter & a joiner?

A joiner works with wood, a carpenter paints cars

Capt'n Midnight

My girlfriend left me when she discovered my Pasta fetish,

So i'm feeling Cannelloni now.

Capt'n Midnight

She asked me if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.

Capt'n Midnight

Why was Yoda afraid of 7 ? Because 6 7 8.

Capt'n Midnight

What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head?

Edward

What do you call a man with 3 planks of wood on his head?

Edward Woodward

What do you call a man with 4 planks of wood on his head?

I don't know,

but Edward Woodward would.

Capt'n Midnight

Genie: What is your first wish?

Joe: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted. What is your second wish?

Rich: I want lots of money.

blade1

What's the first rule of Rick Astley's Fight Club?

You know the rules and so do I

(Sing in a Rick Astley voice for best effect)

Capt'n Midnight

Hear about the one legged girl who got a job in a brewery?

She was put in charge of the hops.

Capt'n Midnight

I had a job working for the Samaritans once. I tried to call in sick but they talked me out of it.

FraserburghFreddie

It's been months since I bought the book

"how to scam people online."

It still hasn't arrived yet.

Capt'n Midnight

The wi-if was down at home, so I had to talk to the missus.

Can't believe she's not working for Xtravision anymore.

FraserburghFreddie

I phoned the wife and said,"I've got something to tell you,but it's hard to say."

She said nervously,"Go on."

I said."Ken Dodd's Dad's Dog's Dead."

cj maxx

This popped up on my phone. I've never heard of him, but a good giggle

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://m.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DS1HO6wMGJL8&ved=2ahUKEwje5pu755_2AhUMfMAKHcH7AdsQwqsBegQIAxAE&usg=AOvVaw3wR1LHBQFL63IS9up8WzX4

blade1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118701850#Comment_118701850

He has been going a good while now.

One of the better uk comedians that you'd see on Dave etc.

cj maxx

2 tickets booked for Oct 29. Belfast. 😀

fryup

now back to jokes.....

a man comes home and gives his wife a bunch of flowers

and the wife says- 'oh i suppose i'll have to spread my legs for these?'

and the man says says - 'why? have you not got a vase?'

Capt'n Midnight

I've deleted all my German contacts from my mobile phone.

Its now Hans free.

Capt'n Midnight

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that's abba-riginal!

Capt'n Midnight

I went onto the library and asked if they had any books about paranoia.

The librarian leaned forward and whispered, "they're behind you."