The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

ynul31f47k6b59

Saw this on facebook, apologies if repost.

A Cock pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a Charolais bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of this fine sycamore tree", sighed the pheasant, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.

Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the sycamore tree, when he was suddenly spotted by the farmer. The farmer dashed into his farmhouse, got his shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

The Moral of the Story: Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Forest Demon

Went to the Zoo earlier,

there were no animals,

except for one dog,

it was a shih tzu

mydogjack

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.


Knock Knock

Who's there?

Not that girl anyway.

M.T. Cranium

The Mayan calendar.

don't thank me until 22 Dec let's play this safe.

casio4

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

The Mayan calendar.

don't thank me until 22 Dec let's play this safe.

uberalles

casio4 wrote: »

End of the world ......

http://digitaljournal.com/article/334313

Curly Judge

New Zealand farmer walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says:

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

Dolph Starbeam

My wife sent me to the pharmacy to get some of those pills that help me get an erection.. You should have seen the look on her face when I came back with diet pills.

Curly Judge

Hope I haven't posted this one before?

A young lady was getting married and realised, as one does that she didn't know very much about the male anatomy.
Her friend, a male doctor, agreed to help so she turned up one day at his clinic armed with a notebook and a list of questions.
"First of all ", she asked, "What is that long thing hanging down between my fiancé’s legs called"
The Doctor was happy to tell her that it was called the penis.
So she wrote penis down in her little book.
"Now", out at the end of the penis there is a round red bulbous thing. What is that called"?
The doctor told her that there was a long complicated Latin name for it but that colloquially it was referred to as the Nob.
So she wrote Nob into her little book.
"Now", warming to the job at hand, she said, "About 15 inches back from the Nob there are two round things hanging down. What are they called"?
The Doctor looked at her and said, "Well, I hope for your sake that they’re the two cheeks of his arse"!

jessiejam

Why were there more coloured men than white men killed in vietnam?

Cause when the sargeant shouted "get down!" they all got up and danced

.:D


Terrible I know... sorry...

david75

I made up a joke.
Broad strokes. Is that PC for when fat people get them?

Allyall

If i had a euro for every time someone told me i exaggerated, I'd have a million euro.

Ellis Dee

Did you hear what happened to The Stone Outside Dan Murphy's Door?

The Tourist Board put another one beside it and made a balls of it.

csallmighty

What do you get hanging off apple trees?

Sore arms

Godsentme

mad m wrote: »

My Grandfather died in Auschwitz .....


*Pause*

Someone asks, was he jewish?


No, he fell out of the gun tower.......

Baaaa Doom Bish!!!

Another guy says, My grandfather was killed in Auschwitz too!

Someone asks, Gas chamber?

No, A soldier fell out of a gun tower on top of him.......

Godsentme

splendid101 wrote: »

Excuse me, what the f*ck are you talking about?

Cleverest joke in the whole forum!!!:D

Curly Judge

[


One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose. 'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.' 'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny..
'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. May
-be you could examine me and find out.' So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose.
You must be a bunny rabbit!' The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But
by the way, what kind of animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished,
the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?' The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls...You must be a POLITICIAN'.

preddy

2 dyslexics walking down the street

1 says: Do you smell gas?
2 says: Smell gas! I can't even smell my own name

lachin

Breaking my arse laughing... Not a joke per se but just saw on the WW forum a typo..." can I have a link to your blob?"

--Kaiser--

From The Rubberbandits.

Why is the Hiigs Boson like a priest?
Because it gives mass to subatomic particles

Rega

My brother and I were laughing today about how competitive we were as kids.










I was laughing better though.

Rega

double post

Anyone

Went to a trendy new nightclub at the weekend, walked up to the door and the bouncer said
"Sorry mate, you've had too many"
"Drinks?" I said.
"Birthdays".

Capt'n Midnight

Bargain Alerts 39" Full HD lcd tv: Aldi €349.99

TC cork wrote: »

Went to Aldi this morning for fruit....came out with one of these.
Not too worried about Saorview...its the reception I get from the Mrs. I am worried about.

TheUsual

Why are women like tropical storms ?

Because when they first arrive, they are exciting, unpredictable, and a little bit dangerous.
And when they leave, they take your house, your car, and your dog.

EoghanIRL

What's blue and doesn't fit ?

A dead epileptic

admiralofthefleet

Some men think that using a moisturiser after you've had a shave is a bit gay.

I don't, I just think it makes my legs lovely and soft.

castletownman

"Children in Need" is on the BBC today.

Given the current situation, I don't think the BBC are the best judges of what children need.

chughes

TheUsual wrote: »

Why are women like tropical storms ?

Because when they first arrive, they are exciting, unpredictable, and a little bit dangerous.
And when they leave, they take your house, your car, and your dog.

The version I heard was:
Because when they come, they're wet and wild. When they go they take your house and car.

AnarchistKen

a girl comes home to find her boyfriend blow drying his willy. "what are you doing " she asks he replies "warming your dinner you ungrateful cow "!!