The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Dartz

Little Johnny's in class with his teacher Mary
And the whole class is discussing the War of Independance and the Civil war that follows
And finally, they get to the subject of Micheal Collins
Little Johnny's hand shoots up.
"Miss, Miss, My great granda says he saw Micheal Collins once"
She's skeptical, but asks him to bring his great grandfather in to give a talk to the class.
The next day, he shuffles into class with the aid of a zimmerframe, and a hush falls over as he begins to recount the tale

"Well, there I was at the side of road watching this big convoy roll up and the big-fella himself standing in the back of the Rolls Royce. I had my rifle ready, and Dev beside me says Fire Johnny, Fire!. That was the last I saw of Mick Collins!"

Dolph Starbeam

Microsoft look set to buy Skype for $8.5 billion.. Thats silly. They could just download it for free.

Kev_2012

I'm John Wayne at the first thanksgiving, PILGRIMS! happy thanksgiving, PILGRIMS!

summerskin

Someone please make it stop.

fasttalkerchat

A pregnant Dublin woman falls into a coma after a car crash. After a year she wakes up to find she has given birth to twins,a boy and a girl."Where are they?" she asks."Its all right," says the doctor, your brother came and took them.Hes had them baptised and everything. "Oh God ,not my brother says the woman, "Hes such an idiot. What did he call them? "Well, he named ur daughter Denise....."says the doctor. "Oh,thats nice" says the mother........and he called your son denephew.

Mathematics:
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work andKnowledge will get you close, and Attitudewill get you there.
Its the Bullshít and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!

Mr Benevolent

Deleted User wrote: »

Mathematics:
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work andKnowledge will get you close, and Attitudewill get you there.
Its the Bullshít and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!

Sweet Jesus.

beertons

^ that's very good.

Kolido

Deleted User wrote: »

Mathematics:
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work andKnowledge will get you close, and Attitudewill get you there.
Its the Bullshít and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!

Actually,


H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8-1-18-4-23-15-18-11 = -82

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11-14-15-23-12-5-4-7-5 = -74

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1-20-20-9-20-21-4-5 = -98

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2-21-12-12-19-8-9-20 = -99

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1-19-19-11-9-19-19-9-14-7 = -115


Your logic is flawed

EoghanIRL

dolanbaker wrote: »

Mathematics:
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work andKnowledge will get you close, and Attitudewill get you there.
Its the Bullshít and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!

Brilliant

fasttalkerchat

Lads, please edit out your quotes!

Arpa

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

A variation on the old Groucho joke
"Last night I shot an elephant in my pyjamas, how he got into my pyjamas I'll never know"

There's something similar in another one of theri movies...

In a hotel, picks up the phone, "Hello Room Service? Bring me a room."

Only one I can think of right now is....

Guy on a business trip in London walks into an Irish bar for a pint. He sees two old fella's sitting down the other end of the bar and listens in on their conversation.

1st Old Fella - D'ya mind me asking where you're from?
2nd Fella - I'm from Dublin.
1st Fella - Jaysis...me too. What part?
2nd Fella - The Liberties
1st Fella - Feck off, really? Me too. What street?
2nd Fella - Carman Hall
1st Fella - Jaysis that's weird me too!
2nd Fella - Yeah that's weird. Where did you go to school?
1st Fella - Synge Street and yerself?
2nd Fella - Same here, Jesus it's a small world.
1st Fella - You're right there, what number on Carman Hall?
2nd Fella - 52.
1st Fella - No bleedin' way! Me too!

Guy at the other end of the bar, perplexed by this conversation turns to the bar man and asks, "What's the story with those guys?"

Bar man, nonchalantly shining a pint glass turns and says, "Ah don't mind them...they're the twins".

fasttalkerchat

Arpa wrote: »

Drunk twins joke

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

Arpa

Couldn't remember where I'd heard it. Like you're version, premise is the same but the "O' Malley twins are drunk again", makes it funnier.

Cheers.

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golfcourse --'

She said, “Don’t forget your sweater.”

dttq

Well it's far from the funniest I've ever heard but I came across it recently and I like it, if simply for my attitude toward the RCC

(Q) How do you save a drowning priest?

(A) Throw him a boy

giles lynchwood

Two ould fellas were out walking on a country road in co cork when one said"do you see that bend,that's where Micheal Collins was killed",after a short pause the other ould fella replied "tis a bad bend allright"

newballsplease

EoghanIRL wrote: »

Brilliant

Read the first post

Culleeo

newballsplease wrote: »

Read the first post

Thinly veiled "I want to be a moderator" post.


I'll get my coat

Spoken in a loud voice. :pac:

A MAN IN A FLORIDA SUPERMARKET TRIES TO BUY HALF A HEAD OF LETTUCE.

THE VERY YOUNG PRODUCE ASSISTANT TELLS HIM THAT THEY SELL ONLY WHOLE HEADS OF LETTUCE.

THE MAN PERSISTS AND ASKS TO SEE THE MANAGER.

THE BOY SAYS HE'LL ASK HIS MANAGER ABOUT IT.

WALKING INTO THE BACK ROOM, THE BOY SAID TO HIS MANAGER,
'SOME ASSHOLE WANTS TO BUY HALF A HEAD OF LETTUCE.'

AS HE FINISHED HIS SENTENCE, HE TURNED TO FIND THE MAN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HIM, SO HE ADDED,
'AND THIS GENTLEMAN HAS KINDLY OFFERED TO BUY THE OTHER HALF.'

THE MANAGER APPROVED THE DEAL, AND THE MAN WENT ON HIS WAY.
LATER THE MANAGER SAID TO THE BOY,

'I WAS IMPRESSED WITH THE WAY YOU GOT YOURSELF OUT OF THAT SITUATION EARLIER.

WE LIKE PEOPLE WHO THINK ON THEIR FEET HERE.
WHERE ARE YOU FROM, SON?'

'GREENBAY, WISCONSIN, SIR,' THE BOY REPLIED.

'WELL, WHY DID YOU LEAVE GREENBAY?' THE MANAGER ASKED.

THE BOY SAID, 'SIR, THERE'S NOTHING BUT WHORES AND FOOTBALL PLAYERS UP THERE.'

'REALLY?' SAID THE MANAGER. 'MY WIFE IS FROM GREENBAY.'
'NO SHÍT?' REPLIED THE BOY. 'WHAT POSITION DID SHE PLAY?'

david75

Ye have to sing the punchline in this one.

So if you want to weigh a whale in a whale weigh station, where do you weigh a pie?
.
.
.
.
.
somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie

Cantona's Collars

Antivirus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by the Police for murder charges.

If they catch him they estimate the trial could last 30 days..



I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

3rdDegree

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Can I have a cheese burger and a bag of chips please?".

Incredulous, the librarian responds: "This is a library".

"Sorry" replies the man, lowering his voice, he then asks "Can I have a cheese burger and a bag of chips please?"

Scram

3rdDegree wrote: »

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Can I have a cheese burger and a bag of chips please?".

Incredulous, the librarian responds: "This is a library".

"Sorry" replies the man, lowering his voice, he then asks "Can I have a cheese burger and a bag of chips please?"

Worst joke ever sorry but i did laugh a wee bit.

stoneill

At a large hotel, there are three couples having the afters of a wedding.
By pure chance the three grooms happen to meet at one of the bars, start congratulating each other
and slapping each other on the back. One of them then says it's going to be a great night, the sex will be
fantastic, all nodding in agreement.
Let's meet at breakfast and tell each other how we go on.
How are going to do that without letting the women know what's going on.
When you order toast, order the number of slices that equals how many times you had sex.
Deadly - great idea, see you in the morning.

Next morning, the first groom asks for breakfast, and four slices of toast. Not bad.
The second groom asks for five slices of toast. Well done.
The third groom asks for seven slices of toast, and could you make two of them brown please.

del1379

If you can make a woman laugh, your almost there but if your almost there and then she laughs thats a different thing

domkk

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?........................................

.............none!
Hahahahahahahahahahahahshahaha:):):)

branie

A priest and a rabbi are having lunch together

The priest says "when are you going to let go and have a little ham?"

The rabbi replies, "at your wedding, father"

Alkers

Stolen from facebook:

The Black Bra:

Three female friends were having lunch, 2 of them are unmarried (one is engaged, one is a mistress); and the other has been married for 20+ years.

They were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels, and a mask over their eyes. They agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. . .
Here's how it all went.

The engaged lady:
The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found me in a black leather bodice, tall stilettoes and a mask.
When he saw me he said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat. Under it only the black bra, heels and the mask
over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then it came to the married lady's story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
black stockings, stilettoes, and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,


"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

Comer1

3rdDegree wrote: »

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Can I have a cheese burger and a bag of chips please?".

Incredulous, the librarian responds: "This is a library".

"Sorry" replies the man, lowering his voice, he then asks "Can I have a cheese burger and a bag of chips please?"

Funnier if it starts "A blond walks into a library..." And I think it needs to said out lout and not read.

Kind of a fail on here really.