The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

barone

the BBC have cancelled Bob The Builder, apparently they don't trust anyone who can fix it now...

The Master

castletownman wrote: »

"Children in Need" is on the BBC today.

Or as Jimmy Savile used to call it "Good Friday"

Frederica Beauregard

Irish man tell me joke when I in Ireland.

What do you call a Frenchman who wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe.

JessicaRabbit

As an Aer Lingus flight approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower heard:

PILOT - Bejaysus will ya look how feckin’ short that runway is?

CO-PILOT - Yer not feckin’ kiddin, Paddy!

PILOT - This is gonna be one o' the trickiest landings ever,
Seamus!

CO-PILOT - Yer not feckin’ kiddin, Paddy!!
...

PILOT - Right, Seamus, when I say 'go' put the engine in
reverse!!

CO-PILOT - Right, I'll do that!!

PILOT - And then ya put the flaps down!!

CO-PILOT - Right, I'll do that too!!

PILOT - An then stamp on the brakes as hard as ya can and pray ta
the Holy Mother a God!!!

CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit the brakes as hard as I can.

So, as the wheels hit the ground, Seamus put the engines in reverse, puts the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all his soul. The brakes screeched , the tyres squealed, and there was smoke everywhere, but, to the relief of all the passengers,
and, not least of all, Paddy and Seamus, the aircraft came to stop
but a few meters from the edge of the runway!!!

As Paddy and Seamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to Seamus, "That has got ta be the shortist feckin’ runway in the world!"

Seamus replied, "Yes, but did ya see how feckin’ wide it is"

Curly Judge

Two guys in a bar.
"Did you ever try rodeo sex with the wife"?
"Can't say I have. How does it work?"
"Well,you get her down on the floor on all fours and you mount from behind. After a few minutes you lean forward and cup her two breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear that they aren't as firm as her sisters.
Then you have to stay on for eight seconds".

In Exile

My boss pulled up in his brilliant new car today and I complimented him on it.

He said, "Well, if you set goals, you're determined, and you work really hard and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year"

Capt'n Midnight

It's predicted that by 2025 you'll be no more than six feet away from an ex-Chelsea manager.








I've been thinking about getting some short term work over the Christmas period

So I decided to apply for the Chelsea job

RikkFlair

The wife was whinging today and said to me "You'll drive me to my grave!"

I had the car started within 2 minutes.

policarp

A scouser was sitting at the bar having a few beers, when a very well dressed, rather effeminate gentleman walks in and sits down beside him.
The stranger orders a drink for himself and buys one for the scouser, as well.
When he was nearly finished he leant over and asked the scouser if he'd like a blow job.
The scouser hopped off his stool and punched and kicked the queer out of the pub, then came back and ordered another pint.
The barman asked him," what that was all about?"

"Sneaky well dressed git tried to offer me a job."

veryangryman

Any good Cavan man ones anyones got? Always find them funny

Copper Wire: Invented by 2 Cavan men fighting over a penny

ruthloss

My friend says she dreams in colour:
I say it's just a pigment of her imagination.

jasonmcco

What do you call an irishman?

A paedophile

jasonmcco

Why does noddy have a hat with a bell on it?


Coz he's a cnut

CorsetIsTight

Q: What do solicitors use for contraception...?

A: Their personalities.

.

kincsem

From the Betfair Chit Chat forum.
....a thread discussing ghosts

"Mrs SF says the woman is from Plaistow, east London, her hubby is in the R.A.F. I've not seen her yet, but apparently she swears about the kids, isn't averse to opening the door in her nightdress"

First reply
"Why does she have a door in her nightdress?"

markesmith

kincsem wrote: »

From the Betfair Chit Chat forum.
....a thread discussing ghosts

"Mrs SF says the woman is from Plaistow, east London, her hubby is in the R.A.F. I've not seen her yet, but apparently she swears about the kids, isn't averse to opening the door in her nightdress"

First reply
"Why does she have a door in her nightdress?"

That's brilliant

--Kaiser--

markesmith wrote: »

That's brilliant

A variation on the old Groucho joke
"Last night I shot an elephant in my pyjamas, how he got into my pyjamas I'll never know"

castletownman

I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night.

Turns out he did fix the washing machine after all.

daisybelle2008

An old couple are having a drink in a bar. The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's...sake?'
...
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence'

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period...

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection. urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Laika1986

My Nan said she was going to pray to St.Anthony as she lost her handbag. I didn't know there was a patron saint of Alzheimers.

giles lynchwood

A father and son were out driving when they knocked down and killed a hare,the son started crying,his father got a bottle out of the car and poured something on the hare who jumped up on top of the ditch and waved,ran half way across a field stopped and waved again,ran to the end of the field stopped and waved at them again,the son asked his father what was in the bottle,to which he replied " Hair restorer with permanent wave"

questioner

http://www.reddit.com/r/atheism/comments/scupx/a_liberal_muslim_homosexual_aclu_lawyer_professor/

Edited because people are taking this up the wrong way.


@ reloc8


http://goo.gl/5ymuo

Should have put this in context, it's a play on fundamentalist christians and their simplistic world view, it's not meant to be offensive to the minorities mentioned.

Also, I am a Christian and a liberal :O

Reloc8

@questioner can't believe i read that through that post, which is just offensive garbage. If you think that's a joke you're missing something important internally.

Reloc8

questioner wrote: »

http://goo.gl/5ymuo

Should have put this in context, it's a play on fundamentalist christians and their simplistic world view, it's not meant to be offensive to the minorities mentioned.

Oh I'd seen it before your post. Its just manure. Lets just say if you have to 'put it in context' for it not to be offensive then maybe its not 'the best joke you ever heard'.

questioner wrote: »

Also, I am a Christian and a liberal :O

You're a great fella altogether :pac:

Nodster

Paddy and Mick go into the local shop. As they were busy looking,
Paddy stole three Mars Bars....

As they left the shop,Paddy said to Mick: "Man I'm the best thief
ever, I stole 3 Mars Bars and no one saw me, you can't beat
that"

Mick says: "You wanna see something better, let's go back to the
shop and I'll show you real stealing"

So they went to the counter and Mick said to the Shop owner: "Do you
wanna see magic?"
Shop owner replied: "Yes"
Mick said: "Give me a Mars Bar"

The shop owner gave him one, and he ate it. He
asked for the second, and he ate that as well. He asked for the third,
and finished that one too.

The shop owner asked: "But where's the magic?"

Mick replied:




"Look in Paddys pocket, and you'll find them!"

Some nicknames that have been given to Glasgow characters by their friends and workmates:

*Two Soups* - his real name is Campbell Baxter.
*Norrie Two Bonnets* - the Glasgow taxi-driver who wears a wig under his cloth cap.
*The Colostomy* - the girlfriend of a married man (i.e. the wee bag on the side).

*The Boomerang Kid* - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always replies: 'I'll get back to you on that. '
*The Parachute* - lets everyone down at the last minute.
*Vaseline* - his real name is Willie Burns.
*Rembrandt* - loves saying to colleagues: 'Let me put you in the picture...'

*Bo Derek* - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.

*The Genie* - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.

*Dulux* - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.

*Soapy* - washes his hands of any problems that crop up..

*The Yeti* - always on the sick. Many unconfirmed sightings of this guy,but nobody can prove he actually exists.

*The Gas Man* - he's serviced loads of old boilers.

*The Hostage* - when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry, my hands are tied.'

*The Olympic Flame* - He never goes out.

EoghanIRL

Chooses penis as password
Not long enough

Barry Barry

What did one cool jewish rabbi say to the other?

Hey-brew..

Geddit? :pac:

Mugser

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full