The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

ruthloss

My friend says she dreams in colour:
I say it's just a pigment of her imagination.

jasonmcco

What do you call an irishman?

A paedophile

jasonmcco

Why does noddy have a hat with a bell on it?


Coz he's a cnut

CorsetIsTight

Q: What do solicitors use for contraception...?

A: Their personalities.

.

kincsem

From the Betfair Chit Chat forum.
....a thread discussing ghosts

"Mrs SF says the woman is from Plaistow, east London, her hubby is in the R.A.F. I've not seen her yet, but apparently she swears about the kids, isn't averse to opening the door in her nightdress"

First reply
"Why does she have a door in her nightdress?"

markesmith

kincsem wrote: »

From the Betfair Chit Chat forum.
....a thread discussing ghosts

"Mrs SF says the woman is from Plaistow, east London, her hubby is in the R.A.F. I've not seen her yet, but apparently she swears about the kids, isn't averse to opening the door in her nightdress"

First reply
"Why does she have a door in her nightdress?"

That's brilliant

--Kaiser--

markesmith wrote: »

That's brilliant

A variation on the old Groucho joke
"Last night I shot an elephant in my pyjamas, how he got into my pyjamas I'll never know"

castletownman

I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night.

Turns out he did fix the washing machine after all.

daisybelle2008

An old couple are having a drink in a bar. The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's...sake?'
...
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence'

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period...

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection. urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Laika1986

My Nan said she was going to pray to St.Anthony as she lost her handbag. I didn't know there was a patron saint of Alzheimers.

giles lynchwood

A father and son were out driving when they knocked down and killed a hare,the son started crying,his father got a bottle out of the car and poured something on the hare who jumped up on top of the ditch and waved,ran half way across a field stopped and waved again,ran to the end of the field stopped and waved at them again,the son asked his father what was in the bottle,to which he replied " Hair restorer with permanent wave"

questioner

http://www.reddit.com/r/atheism/comments/scupx/a_liberal_muslim_homosexual_aclu_lawyer_professor/

Edited because people are taking this up the wrong way.


@ reloc8


http://goo.gl/5ymuo

Should have put this in context, it's a play on fundamentalist christians and their simplistic world view, it's not meant to be offensive to the minorities mentioned.

Also, I am a Christian and a liberal :O

Reloc8

@questioner can't believe i read that through that post, which is just offensive garbage. If you think that's a joke you're missing something important internally.

Reloc8

questioner wrote: »

http://goo.gl/5ymuo

Should have put this in context, it's a play on fundamentalist christians and their simplistic world view, it's not meant to be offensive to the minorities mentioned.

Oh I'd seen it before your post. Its just manure. Lets just say if you have to 'put it in context' for it not to be offensive then maybe its not 'the best joke you ever heard'.

questioner wrote: »

Also, I am a Christian and a liberal :O

You're a great fella altogether :pac:

Nodster

Paddy and Mick go into the local shop. As they were busy looking,
Paddy stole three Mars Bars....

As they left the shop,Paddy said to Mick: "Man I'm the best thief
ever, I stole 3 Mars Bars and no one saw me, you can't beat
that"

Mick says: "You wanna see something better, let's go back to the
shop and I'll show you real stealing"

So they went to the counter and Mick said to the Shop owner: "Do you
wanna see magic?"
Shop owner replied: "Yes"
Mick said: "Give me a Mars Bar"

The shop owner gave him one, and he ate it. He
asked for the second, and he ate that as well. He asked for the third,
and finished that one too.

The shop owner asked: "But where's the magic?"

Mick replied:




"Look in Paddys pocket, and you'll find them!"

Some nicknames that have been given to Glasgow characters by their friends and workmates:

*Two Soups* - his real name is Campbell Baxter.
*Norrie Two Bonnets* - the Glasgow taxi-driver who wears a wig under his cloth cap.
*The Colostomy* - the girlfriend of a married man (i.e. the wee bag on the side).

*The Boomerang Kid* - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always replies: 'I'll get back to you on that. '
*The Parachute* - lets everyone down at the last minute.
*Vaseline* - his real name is Willie Burns.
*Rembrandt* - loves saying to colleagues: 'Let me put you in the picture...'

*Bo Derek* - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.

*The Genie* - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.

*Dulux* - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.

*Soapy* - washes his hands of any problems that crop up..

*The Yeti* - always on the sick. Many unconfirmed sightings of this guy,but nobody can prove he actually exists.

*The Gas Man* - he's serviced loads of old boilers.

*The Hostage* - when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry, my hands are tied.'

*The Olympic Flame* - He never goes out.

EoghanIRL

Chooses penis as password
Not long enough

Barry Barry

What did one cool jewish rabbi say to the other?

Hey-brew..

Geddit? :pac:

Mugser

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full

Dartz

Little Johnny's in class with his teacher Mary
And the whole class is discussing the War of Independance and the Civil war that follows
And finally, they get to the subject of Micheal Collins
Little Johnny's hand shoots up.
"Miss, Miss, My great granda says he saw Micheal Collins once"
She's skeptical, but asks him to bring his great grandfather in to give a talk to the class.
The next day, he shuffles into class with the aid of a zimmerframe, and a hush falls over as he begins to recount the tale

"Well, there I was at the side of road watching this big convoy roll up and the big-fella himself standing in the back of the Rolls Royce. I had my rifle ready, and Dev beside me says Fire Johnny, Fire!. That was the last I saw of Mick Collins!"

Dolph Starbeam

Microsoft look set to buy Skype for $8.5 billion.. Thats silly. They could just download it for free.

Kev_2012

I'm John Wayne at the first thanksgiving, PILGRIMS! happy thanksgiving, PILGRIMS!

summerskin

Someone please make it stop.

fasttalkerchat

A pregnant Dublin woman falls into a coma after a car crash. After a year she wakes up to find she has given birth to twins,a boy and a girl."Where are they?" she asks."Its all right," says the doctor, your brother came and took them.Hes had them baptised and everything. "Oh God ,not my brother says the woman, "Hes such an idiot. What did he call them? "Well, he named ur daughter Denise....."says the doctor. "Oh,thats nice" says the mother........and he called your son denephew.

Mathematics:
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work andKnowledge will get you close, and Attitudewill get you there.
Its the Bullshít and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!

Mr Benevolent

Deleted User wrote: »

Mathematics:
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work andKnowledge will get you close, and Attitudewill get you there.
Its the Bullshít and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!

Sweet Jesus.

beertons

^ that's very good.

Kolido

Deleted User wrote: »

Mathematics:
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work andKnowledge will get you close, and Attitudewill get you there.
Its the Bullshít and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!

Actually,


H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8-1-18-4-23-15-18-11 = -82

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11-14-15-23-12-5-4-7-5 = -74

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1-20-20-9-20-21-4-5 = -98

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2-21-12-12-19-8-9-20 = -99

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1-19-19-11-9-19-19-9-14-7 = -115


Your logic is flawed

EoghanIRL

dolanbaker wrote: »

Mathematics:
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work andKnowledge will get you close, and Attitudewill get you there.
Its the Bullshít and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!

Brilliant