The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

chughes

Sadly, my pet mouse, Elvis, died suddenly this morning.

He was caught in a trap.

Duiske

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf,
"Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth". he says, Now...can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that...
Can I see her wun awound?"

Light Switch

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Light Switch

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to spice up the flagging sex life between her and her husband.

That evening, she puts them on, together with a short leather skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her fella.

At strategic moments, she crosses and uncrosses her legs, Sharon Stone-style. Eventually, her husband acknowledges her attempts to attract him and asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?".

"Oh, y-e-s", she answers seductively, and winks at him.

"Thank goodness for that", replies her husband, "for a horrible moment there, I thought you were sitting on the cat".

Light Switch

I saw a homeless man sleeping inside a big cardboard box outside the train station this morning.

Not wanting to disturb him, I crept over and put a Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box.

He immediately woke up and said, "Thank you."

"No problem." I smiled.

He looked at me again and said, "It's empty."

I said, "I know, it's meant to be a chimney."

livinsane

My sister and I laugh about how competitive we were when we were younger.

But I laugh more.

campo

Whats the difference between a Nurse and a Helicopter

Not everyone has been up on a helicopter

Culleeo

Scientists have developed a new cream for teenage fanny rash.

It's called

Saville-on

tayto lover

Lads its BEST jokes not WORST or SILLIEST.

Alpish

A naked guy ran past two old ladies who were sitting on a park bench.

One had a stroke.

The other couldn't reach!

ARE YOU INSURED FOR ANY SEX?

Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you may be getting. Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:

Sex with your wife - Legal & General.

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.

Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.

Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.

Sex with a Fat bird - More Than.

Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.

Sex with a posh bird - Privileged.

Sex with an OAP - Saga !

Sex with a transvestite - confused.com!

Fawkon

A good one I saw on a T-Shirt.

What do we want?!
A cure for Tourettes!
When do we want it?!
C*nt!

falan

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too...

BoDiddly

They should have called it Hurricane Saville, then there would have been only minor damage.:o

TheUsual

Last Halloween I was arrested for making anyone dressed as Dracula give me piggybacks.

I was found guilty on four counts.

J Cheever Loophole

One of the kids swallowed a pound coin that was in an apple tart, at the Hallowe'en Party last night. Took her to hospital and after a medical examination, the doctor came out and advised that there was no change!!

KenSwee

Dude walks into a bar.
Asks for 5 Polish vodka shots and drinks them one after the other.
The dude then bashes his head against the wall and sits back down.
Another dude beside him asks " how did you do that?"
First dude says "it's this brand of vodka; amazing".
Second dude orders 5 shots of the same vodka, dunks them down one after the other, bashes his head against the wall and collapses out cold.
Barman turns to first dude and says " Superman, you're a bastard when you're drunk."

Light Switch

http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?sns=&v=JBl4dDzNaI0&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DJBl4dDzNaI0%26sns

EoghanIRL

I am a huge fan of anti jokes.

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb ?
To get to the other side

Light Switch

There was a young man from China,
He wasn't a very good climber.
He fell on a rock and damaged his cock.
And now he's got a vagina.

Capt'n Midnight

The Bible is 100% accurate....

When thrown at close range..

Ronin247

Sean Quinn gets sent to prison. He gets his jumpsuit, blankets, and his cell. As soon as the guard leaves his big, monster cellmate stands up and says: “We’re gonna play a little game of mommies and daddies,as its your first time you can choose, do you want to be the mommy or the daddy?”
Well Sean thinks, “It has to be safer to be the daddy” and blurts out “can I be daddy”.
To which his cellmate replies, “OK, then daddy, get over here and suck mommy’s c*ck.”

Dartz

Asked the Barman for a Sandy
The bastard just gave me a watered-down Manhattan


NYC Marathon was cancelled. Michael Phelps was especially dissapointed.

Canard

"Did you hear reese whatserface from legally blonde got stabbed?!"
"witherspoon?"
"no, with a knife"

I fell for this earlier. :pac:

Peregrine

^^ Did ya fall for it twice?

"Must you lick the knife?" He asked me. "Sorry force of habit" I said "Loads of people do it though, don't they?" "Yes, but not during surgery..Doctor"

EoghanIRL

˙˙˙ʎɐqǝ ɟɟo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ sʎnq

barone

A woman in America has just given birth to a 16lb baby.



They are taking bets on who will walk first

gernon

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.

'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little Paper bag.

'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the Doctor, 'But I'll do a blood test and see what that shows. Come back and see me in a couple of days.'

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.

'What's wrong with me ?' asked the little paper bag.

'I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the doctor.

'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag !' Said the little paper bag.

'Have you been having unprotected sex ?'asked the doctor.

'NO - I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag !'

'Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users ?' asked the doctor.

'NO - I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag !'

'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion ?' queried the doctor.

'NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag !'

'Well', said the doctor, 'Are you in a homosExual Relationship ?'

'NO ! - I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag !'

'Then there can be only one explanation.' said the doctor...
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'Your mother must have been a carrier ! ! !'

montyrebel

Would have been better if he had 'allsorts' in him

RustyNut

gammygils wrote: »

Bought myself a new roll-on deodorant today.

Instructions said 'Take off top & push up bottom'

Still in A&E at the moment but my farts smell really nice!!

I went into the chemist to get some today and the lady asked would I like the roll on ball type I said no it's for under my arms.