The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Tommytwotimes

What do gay cows eat?

Haaaay...

J Cheever Loophole

There's a woman who has moved into our street recently and has started organising botox parties.

It's raising a lot of eyebrows!!

starfish90

Did you hear about the magic tractor?


It went down the road and turned into a field.

tommyboy2222

I can't wait for the annual insomnia convention in three weeks!


0 more sleeps!

ynul31f47k6b59

allibastor wrote: »

Paddy Irishman Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman had just survived a terrible plane crash by jumping out of the plane as it fell from the sky. They dropped into a remote jungle where all three believed they were safe. Not so. A jungle tribe takes them to their camp where they are intended to be the main meal at a feast for the chief.

When the three men meet the chief they all plead for their lives, so the chief being a man of great pity says this" If you can go into the jungle and find 100 of any fruit, stick it up your bum, you can go free"

The three head into the jungle looking for what might be useful. after a few hours Paddy Englishman Returns, 100 Blueberries in hand. He shoves them up his bum where the chief is delights and says he is free.

Paddy Irishman is the next back, where he has 100 small red berries. He tries to console himself when back at camp, so much so Paddy English man asks him what is so funny. He replies " i have just passed Paddy Scotmans on the way back with 100 coconuts"

The way I heard this:

Paddy Irishman is next, where he has 100 small red berries. He manages to shove 99 up his bum but bursts out laughing before he has a chance to put the last one up.

Back at camp, Paddy Englishman says - "Why did you laugh, you almost had it!" Paddy Irishman replies "I couldn't help it, I saw the other lad coming with pineapples".

:cool:

falan

My new girlfriend and i went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film.
Our dates so far can be summarised as follows.....dinner,dinner,dinner,dinner,dinner,dinner,dinner,dinner, Batman..

patmac

I'm just back from hospital after having a mole removed from my penis.

The doctors are pleased with the way it went, but the ISPCA say that if it happens again they will prosecute me!

Copper_pipe

what should you do with a years supply of used condoms?





Melt them down into a tyre and call it a goodyear

Canard

There are two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

fasttalkerchat

Patchy~ wrote: »

There are two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

im invisible

whats the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know, and I don't care

Royal Legend

What do you call a man with two pric ks ?

Spoiler: Jedwards Father

tayto lover

Royal Legend wrote: »

What do you call a man with two pric ks ?

Spoiler: Jedwards Father

Ah should that not be 3 then ?

loremolis

tayto lover wrote: »

Ah should that not be 3 then ?

No. he cut his own off after seeing the harm it could do.

Pottler

New budget shampoo out for the homeless, it's called "Go and Wash".

Kerry Gooner

falan wrote: »

My new girlfriend and i went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film.
Our dates so far can be summarised as follows.....dinner,dinner,dinner,dinner,dinner,dinner,dinner,dinner, Batman..

She must be some cook!

lmao

The minister realised his Church was getting into serious financial trouble. However, while checking the Church storeroom, he discovered dozens of cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the Church.

Peter, Paul and Louis all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louis, who was a local farmer who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment -- poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.



Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here s the $200 I collected for the Church."

"Fine job, Peter!" the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you." Turning to Paul he said, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles for the Church, and here is the $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That s absolutely splendid, Paul! You are truly a professional salesman and the Church is also indebted to you." Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louis and said, "And Louis, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?"

Louis silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents.

"What is this!?" the minister exclaimed. "Louis, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the Church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louis just nodded.

"That s impossible!" Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could!"

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louis."

Louis shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don t kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louis, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied," W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this B-B-B-B-Bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks or wo-wo-would yo-you J-j-just l-like m-m-me T-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read It t-to y-y-you?"

starfish90

I got into a fight with a mop earlier-wiped the floor with it.

smash

I was standing in a bar in town yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
 
I said to him, "Do you know any martial arts, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee"?

"No", I say, "It's because you're drinking my beer you little prick".

Lon.C

Kason Prickly Teflon wrote: »

The way I heard this:

Paddy Irishman is next, where he has 100 small red berries. He manages to shove 99 up his bum but bursts out laughing before he has a chance to put the last one up.

Back at camp, Paddy Englishman says - "Why did you laugh, you almost had it!" Paddy Irishman replies "I couldn't help it, I saw the other lad coming with pineapples".

:cool:

The chief doesn't tell them till they get back, what they have to do with the fruit. ie. shove them up their hole.

J Cheever Loophole

Police in Norfolk have confirmed that they have arrested a man who fell inside a combine harvester after trying to steal it.

He is expected to be bailed tomorrow.

J Cheever Loophole

It has been reported that to celebrate Kate Middleton's successful French banning order, Royal Doulton are releasing a commemorative set of small jugs.

Kerry Gooner

Cork gardai are investigating the theft of toilets from their station,a spokesman
confirmed that so far they have nothing to go on.

blue note

Patchy~ wrote: »

There are two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

There are 10 types of people in this world - those that understand binary, and those that don't.

chughes

Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.

IrishExpat

How many Spaniards does it take to screw in a light-bulb?

Juan!

castletownman

I entered the world sun tanning competitions this year.

I got bronze!

Thwip!

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil welcomes him by saying: "You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They’ll go to heaven and you’ll take over until somebody switches with you too. So go on, pick a room"!! The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third room has a naked man getting a blow job by a naked woman. "I choose this room!" the man says. "Very well," the devil replies, He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder. "You can go now. I’ve found you a replacement"

RobbingBandit

John Terry was banned from twitter for being a troll,well he did get under that Bridges missus.

DyldeBrill

A Man walks into a bar and asks for some helicopter flavored crisps

The barman replies "NO.....We've only got plane"

cant beat the bad jokes!