The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

branie

Monica Lewinsky has gone over to the other side.

Apparently the Clintons left a bad taste in her mouth

Callan57

branie wrote: »

Monica Lewinsky has gone over to the other side.

Apparently the Clintons left a bad taste in her mouth

I hope you're happy .... you just put me right off my Sunday roast :mad:

TheUsual

Callan57 wrote: »

I hope you're happy .... you just put me right off my Sunday roast :mad:

You said "roast".
Ha ha.

3rdDegree

Comer1 wrote: »

Funnier if it starts "A blond walks into a library..." And I think it needs to said out lout and not read.

Kind of a fail on here really.

Sure, it could have been funnier if it was "a blonde", but the fact is, it was guy. Don't you have any respect for the truth?

civis_liberalis

Arpa wrote: »

Couldn't remember where I'd heard it. Like you're version, premise is the same but the "O' Malley twins are drunk again", makes it funnier.

Cheers.

A punchline written by a yank if ever I saw one.

Capt'n Midnight

Relationships are a lot like algebra.

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

deisedude

What do you call a French man wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillop

Strawberry Fields

"Father Michael!" I shouted to the elderly priest, "Father Michael! It's good to see you again."
"Hello Brian," he responded by taking my outstretched hand. "It's been a long time. I'm surprised you seem so pleased to see me.....after.....well, you know what happened the last time we were together."
I sensed his apprehension. "It's ok Father.. I don't blame you... It was my fault."
"I wish I could feel the same," he said quietly. "But I should have known better."
He turned his head away from me slightly and said quietly, "I'm really sorry. If it's any consolation, I ask God for forgiveness every single night."
"Seriously Father.. It wasn't your fault."
"It's nice of you to say so Brian, but I still feel terribly guilty."
"Don't," I replied, "I was the silly ****er who asked her to marry me."

mattjack

What goes zubb, zubb, zubb ?

A bee flying backwards .

Dolph Starbeam

I've entered a competition on the Armitage Shanks website. It's basically a win Loos situation.

PizzamanIRL

On the 21st everybody's gonna be making end of the world jokes like there's no tomorrow.

crx===

You know you masturbate too much when you drop your **** sock and your wife shouts from the other room "I hope that wasn't one of our good plates."

stoneill

Tayto park went on fire today.
It was burnt to a crisp.

livinsane

stoneill wrote: »

Tayto park went on fire today.
It was burnt to a crisp.

stoneill wrote: »

Tayto park went on fire today.
It was burnt to a crisp.

Twice in one day! Now that's bad luck!

I'd come out of the closet if my wardrobe wasn't so FABULOUS!

tayto lover

stoneill wrote: »

Tayto park went on fire today.
It was burnt to a crisp.

:(:(:(

Not a bit funny. I love that place.

yizorselves

Love is like a fart, if you have to force it its probably sh1t

giles lynchwood

A man had two goldfish that he named one and two,one day a friend asked him why he called them one and two to which he replied " if one die's I'll still have two".:)

RebelRed90

Whats worse than cardboard box?

Paper tits!

Curly Judge

A naive young farmer lived on the outskirts of Mullingar with his widowed mother.
A cow they reared on the farm turned out to be a vicious kicker and had to be got rid of.
They decided that the best thing to do would be to bring her to the mart in town and sell her off to some unsuspecting stranger.
Trade was very slow that day and the son - in desperation - ended up selling the cow to a farmer from the opposite side of the town.
When he told his mother she was mortified and advised him to stay out of Mullingar for a very long stretch until the the deception was forgotten, otherwise he would be in serious trouble.
Twelve years later - his poor mother now dead - the son plucked up the courage to head into town once more.
In the square he was looking into the calf ring when when he got a pronounced tap on the shoulder and turned around to see the farmer he had sold the kicker to standing in front of him.
"Do you remember selling me a kicking cow in this very town 12 years ago?", the farmer asked.
Shame faced, the son had to admit that he did indeed remember.
"Well", said the farmer, "that same cow killed my wife with a kick to the side of her head, shortly after I brought her home".
"Oh my God"! the younger farmer was devastated. "What can I say. I'm so sorry".
"That's all right", said the buyer. "I got married again a few years after and I was wondering if you had another cow like her for sale just now".

bmwguy

What do you call a Corkman going down in a lift?

Condescending

Strawberry Fields

Has anyone else's world ended yet?

Mayan hasn't

chughes

bmwguy wrote: »

What do you call a Corkman going down in a lift?

Condescending

What do you call a Corkman that eats donkeys?

an oscillator

Duck Soup

EoghanIRL

chughes wrote: »

What do you call a Corkman that eats donkeys?

an oscillator

Hahaha

Czarcasm

chughes wrote: »

What do you call a Corkman that eats donkeys?

an oscillator

Took me a minute- "asal"... :pac:



Knock knock.

Who's there?

Europe.

Europe who?

Europe early!

kraggy

branie wrote: »

Monica Lewinsky has gone over to the other side.

Apparently the Clintons left a bad taste in her mouth

Close, but no cigar.

corktina

Duck Soup wrote: »

classic Clement Freud....thx for posting!

Curly Judge

22nd Dec 2012

You'd notice the stretch in the evenings already!

Nodster

Good news for insomniacs -

no more sleeps 'til Christmas

Vito Corleone

A man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, looking into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."

So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."

The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!

"The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'

The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!"

"So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.

"The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'"

The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head."