The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

jaysusake

I love jokes but im a disaster at telling them and remembering them, hence why I cant think of one at the minute!

Anyone else with a half decent memory that remembers a joke get it started...

Mod note.
Do not quote really long posts. Its a fcuking pain to read.

OutlawPete

Care of AlmightyCushion ..

What's the difference between Marmalade and Jam.

I can't "marmalade" my cock up your arse.

Smcgie

Saudi Arabia do not sell Flintstone DVD's

but Abu Dhabi do

0verblood

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish person?

None.

Whats a sh1tzu?

A zoo with no animals.

(damn censoring)

mfceiling

Why do elephants have 4 feet......................................cause they'd look silly with 6 inches

RMD

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies:

“Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

DarkJager

A woman is on a beach one day when she sees Gary Glitter.

She turns to him and says "Excuse me but you're in my son".

BraziliaNZ

Women should be obscene and not heard

Brendog

A man who works in Carphone warehouse gets a text from his daughters saying,

"Dadthespacebuttonwon'tworkonmyphonesowhenyougethomegivemeanalternative"


As the man rushed home he couldn't help but wonder what "ternative" meant....

fuzztone

Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall? To see her crack.

chin_grin

I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

AGNB, that's bang out of order!

I'll be f*cked if this rape alarm doesn't work.

missingtime

Whats brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre.

Aldebaran

I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

What do you call a dog with no ears?

A c*nt

Mozoltov!

Newly wed couple just home from their honeymoon, back to the norm, working 5 days a weeks and seeing each other on the weekends and in the evenings.

One weekend the wife wakes her beloved new husband and asks him what would he like for his breakfast.

"I'll have you" he replies and away they go at it like rabbits. Same happens for lunch and dinner and the same again on the Sunday.

Back to work on the Monday, kiss bye bye in the morning and off they both go. That afternoon the wife rings to ask what would her hubby like for dinner.

Cheekily he tells her down the phone "I'll have you."

On the way home the Hubby couldn't help grinnin' from ear to ear while wonderin' what he was actually gettin' for dinner.

Upon openin' the front door he sees his wife slide down the banisters, hop off, then run back to the top of the stairs to do it again. She did it 3 times before her husband asks "What are you doing love?"

She hops off and replies with "Well, you're late home so I thought I'd keep your dinner warm."

alwaysadub

I went to the doctor today and explained
"whenever i harvest our cornfields,i get a really bad headache"

"It's a migraine" he said

"No it's not,it's mine,and why the fcuk have you started speaking in an Italian accent?"

Little Acorn

I was posting on the thread "things you never see around anymore"
I mentioned the fruit and veg delivery man that used to call to all the houses years ago.
Someone replied;

"Oh sorry to tell you/didn't you hear, but he passed away a few years ago, I hear there was a large turnip at his funeral."

It was so simple, but made me laugh a lot.

Also the Harry Potter post replacing the word wand with willy had me in stitches.:D

I can't think of the funniest actual joke I've heard though, I tend to laugh more at things I see happening like someone in an embarrassing situation, or falling over, or just weird stuff like that "laddergoat thing" I found here.

tommyboy2222

What is the hardest thing about rollerblading?

Telling your parents you're gay.

jaysusake

Heres one..

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are ****ing ugly!

admiralofthefleet

Just finished my first day of being optimistic.

It could have been better

jaysusake

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for the family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in..... and then the trouble started!!

.E_C_K_S.

Did you hear about the fella that drowned in a bowl of muesli?

A strong currant pulled him in

missingtime

Comic Sans walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Barman says, "Sorry, we dont serve your type in here"

Fluorescence

My favourite joke is the worst one I've ever heard:

What do an elephant and a bunch of grapes have in common?

They both have trunks.... 'cept for the grapes

wonton

Dark humour isn't everyone's cup of liquidised dead baby.

AckwelFoley

A duck walks into a bar. And he says to the bartender "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "No, I don’t have any grapes." The duck walks out, sorely disappointed.

So the next day, he walks back into the bar, asks the same question, gets the same answer.

The day after, he walks back into the bar, and again, asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender, having still not figured out why this duck seems to think he may have some grapes, says to the duck, "No, and if you come back in here tomorrow and ask me if I have any grapes, I will nail your bill to the bar!"

The duck frowns, turns around, and walks out of the bar. So the next day, the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender "Got any nails?"

The bartender says, "No."

So the duck says, "Got any grapes?"


that joke got me laid soooo many times...

Great ice breaker

DonnchaMc

Paddy tells Mick hes thinking of buying Labrador.
F**k off says Mick, have you seen how many of their owners go blind

chin_grin

fluorescence wrote: »

My favourite joke is the worst one I've ever heard:

What do an elephant and a bunch of grapes have in common?

They both have trunks.... 'cept for the grapes

Heard a different version of that joke (similar punchline).

What does Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson have in common?

One was the first man on the moon, the other (used to) f*ck little boys.

Danbo!

Why are people using spoilers? It's not as if I'm gonna read the joke and save the punchline til later.

chin_grin

wonton wrote: »

Dark humour isn't everyone's cup of liquidised dead baby.

You're on sickipedia too then eh?

Fluorescence

In case you accidentally read the punch-line before the question. It spoils the joke sometimes

Ghost Buster

I have a really good step ladder.
But I wish I'd met my real ladder.:(

The Davestator

What did michael jackson have after his dinner?

Under eights

Whats the difference between a gingers f*nny and a hurley?

If you tried really really hard, you could eat a hurley

Note - replace ginger with any race or people you dont like

fenris

What's blue and doesn't fit?

A dead epileptic

AckwelFoley

Heard a good joke today.

An aul farmer was on his death bed, he asked the priest if he could get Brian Lenihan and Brian Cowen to come to his death bed before he passes away.
So the next day as he is about to pass, the priest brings in the two brians, one each side of the bed. Brian Cowen asked the old man, why do you want to see us? The old farmer said - I wanted to see what it was like for Jesus to die with two thieving bastards either side of him!

IvySlayer

US Customs: "Hello sir, do you have anything in your luggage which may be used as a weapon?"

MacGuyver: "Fcuk"

NSNO

What do Michael Jackson and a shopping bag have in common?

They're both white, plastic and harmful to young children

super_furry

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

She had no arms.

pasta-solo

This one needs to be said aloud:

Whats the best time to go to the dentist?

2:30

Always makes me laugh!

IvySlayer

I went into B and Q, I said I wanted a decking, so they broke my nose

chin_grin

super_furry wrote: »

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

She had no arms.

Why couldn't she get up?

She had no legs.

DualFrontDiscs

A Buddhist on his first trip to New York goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, 'Make me one with everything'.

The Buddhist hands over $5 and waits for change. The hot dog vendor says, 'Change comes from within'.

Turtyturd

A friend of mine told me this last week...what did people at Mozarts grave say???...I can hear him decomposing

Ronin247

Sean says to his friend Mike " If I waited till you went to work and went round to your house and f*cked your wife and got her pregnant would that make us related??

Mike looks thoughtful for a moment and says

No but it would make us even

Fluorescence

Turtyturd wrote: »

A friend of mine told me this last week...what did people at Mozarts grave say???...I can hear him decomposing

You told it wrong :P

A while back lots of people decided that Mozart should be made a saint for all the beautiful music he created. A campaign was put together and the church agreed to dig him up and then canonize him.

When they eventually got the coffin out of the ground and prised it open, they found Mozart inside with a manuscript in one hand and an eraser in the other, furiously rubbing out the music on the sheet. When they asked what he was doing, he replied, "Decomposing."

misslt

super_furry wrote: »

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

She had no arms.

No no.

Why did Suzy fall off the swing?

Cos she had no arms.

Why did Paul fall off the cliff?

I dunno but Suzy didn't push him!

~*~

So Brian Cowen and his driver were driving through the countryside and they run over a pig.

The driver says 'I'd better go to the house and tell them.'

So he's gone for about two hours and comes back staggering, drunk and stinking of smoke.

Brian says to him 'what kept ya?' The driver says 'well the man of the house insisted I have sex with his daughter, drink his finest whiskey and smoke his finest cigars.'

'Jesus' says Brian, 'what the hell did you say to him?'

Says the driver 'I said I'm Brian Cowens driver and I just killed the pig!'

wonton

how many alzheimers patients does it take to change a light bulb?

TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!

Snakeblood

This guy goes into a bar. He's got a head that's shaped like half an orange. The Bartender looks at the guy.

'What happened to your head?'

'It's a long story really. I bought this old house, and went through it, throwing old stuff out. I foudn an old lamp and was cleaning it by rubbing it vigorously. After a couple of moments of that, suddenly a genie jumped out! He said 'FREE, AT LAST I'M FREE'

'I was a bit puzzled, but the genie explained to me that I had three wishes, so I should think long and hard about them. So for my first wish I asked that my pockets have a million quid in them, and no matter how much I take out, they always refill with a million pounds. The Genie winked, and suddenly my pockets were full of a million pounds!'.

'That's amazing' said the bartender

'Not only that. Afterwards, I wished again, for women to find me attractive, and thatI would never be lonely again. And Hey presto! it was done. I've never been lonely since.'

'Fantastic' said the bartender.

'And for my third wish, I said 'Can I have a head shaped like a half an orange?'

aDeener

easily my favourite:

A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."

CrazyFish

Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill ?

Because it ran out of juice.

I am here all week folks.