The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Hagar the Nice. · 08-07-2013 8:08pm

One Chicken yells across the road to another chicken, "Hey how do I cross the road?"

The other Chicken yells back that the chicken that is across the road, "You are across the road!"

Hagar the Nice. · 08-07-2013 8:12pm

An old bloke hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40 years.

The hitman says "I'll shoot her just below her left tit"

The husband replies "I want her deed no effin kneecapped

Hagar the Nice. · 08-07-2013 8:14pm

Father says to his daughter,"Pass me a newspaper,please"...Daughter,"This is the 21st century Dad we don,t use newspapers in this house.Here borrow my i pad"..."Thanks" says Dad...That Bluebottle never knew what hit him!!!

Hagar the Nice. · 08-07-2013 8:17pm

An englishman, irish man and a scotsman in a psychology lesson. teacher asks the englishman what's the opposite of joy? he says sorrow. teacher asks the scotsman what's the opposite of depression? he says happiness. teacher asks the irish man what's the opposite of woe? he says its effin giddy up!!

Hagar the Nice. · 08-07-2013 8:20pm

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

rolliepoley · 08-07-2013 8:40pm

A man on a business trip to Las Vegas heard about how good the Las Vegas prostitutes were so on his first night there, he decided he would go out and try his luck.

He walked outside his hotel and looked up and down the street and saw an attractive girl standing on the corner. He approached her and asked her if she is working tonight and sure enough she said "Meet me in room 804 across the street." He was in luck. She was a knockout.
They got to the room and he sat down anxiously on the edge of the bed. She asked him what he wanted and he thought for a second, then said "How much for a hand job?" She said, "300". His eyes popped open and he asked "300?" She said, "Walk over to that window and open the curtains". He proceeded. "See that motel down there? I own it, and I didn't inherit it. I'm that good." He was like, "well go right ahead honey". So she proceeded to give him the best hand job he ever had.

After a little rest he thought, if that was that good...."How much for a blow job?" She said "600". OH MY GOD!! was his reply. She told him to walk back over to the window. "See that 15 story hotel? I own it and I didnt inherit it. I'm that good." He said "Well get to work then sweetie." And sure enough he got the best blow job he ever received.

After a little "rebuilding" time he thought, if that was that good...."How much for sex?" She chuckled and said, "Honey, I'd own this whole damned town if only I had a pussy."

jimgoose · 08-07-2013 8:42pm

Me mate, see - he's so thick he thinks a hysterectomy is what you need after being impaled by a forklift...

Capt'n Midnight · 09-07-2013 12:09am

The 213 Things Specialist Schwarz, an eccentric US Army soldier stationed in Bosnia, is NOT allowed to do.

Full list http://skippyslist.com/list/

3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.

4. Not allowed to challenge anyone’s disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.

5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.

7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

10. Not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on government time.

16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my “Samson like powers”.

31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.

33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.

34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.

39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.

40. I do not have super-powers.

42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind’s baser instincts in recruitment posters.

44. I am not the atheist chaplain.

49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beans”.

50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.

51. Not allowed to quote “Dr Seuss” on military operations.

55. An order to “Put Kiwi on my boots” does *not* involve fruit.

56. An order to “Make my Boots black and shiny” does not involve electrical tape.

60. “The Giant Space Ants” are not at the top of my chain of command.

62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.

63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.

64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.

65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.

66. There is no “Anti-Mime” campaign in Bosnia.

67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.

68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to “Block out the space mind control lasers”.

69. May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty.

70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.

72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.

75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.

77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them “You don’t need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for.”

78. I may not call block my chain of command.

79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.

80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.

81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.

83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with “I recently had an experience I just had to write you about….”

84. Must not use military vehicles to “Squish” things.

87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.

91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.

94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.

95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.

99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.

100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.

101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.

102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are “casualties of war”.

105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.

106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s.

110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.

111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.

116. Crucifying mice - bad idea.

117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.

118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.

121. I should not use government resources to “waterproof” dirty magazines.

124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.

125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.

126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.

127. “No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages” does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable.

129. The Microsoft ® “Dancing Paperclip” is not authorized to countermand any orders.

132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.

133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.

134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.

135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.

136. Shouting “Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole fúcking village!” while out on a mission is bad.

137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.

138. Even if my commander did it.

140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.

145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.

146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.

147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.

148. Putting red “Mike and Ike’s” ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.

149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.

151. The proper way to report to my Commander is “Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir” not “You can’t prove a thing!”

156. I will no longer perform “lap-dances” while in uniform.

157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.

159. When detained by MP’s, I do not have a right to a strip search.

160. No part of the military uniform is edible.

162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.

164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.

165. I do not get “that time of month”.

166. No, the pants are not optional.

167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.

168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.

169. Not even if they *are* “especially patriotic films”

170. Not allowed to “defect” to OPFOR during training missions.

172. “A full magazine and some privacy” is not the way to help a potential suicide.

173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.

174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it’s actually DOD policy).

175. We do not “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts”.

178. I am not “A lesbian trapped in a man’s body”.

179. On Army documents, my race is not “Other”.

184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something “I saw in a cartoon”.

185. My name is not a killing word.

186. I am not the Emperor of anything.

187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.

189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.

191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.

193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.

194. Shouldn’t take incriminating photos of my chain of command.

195. Shouldn’t use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.

197. I am not allowed to sing “Henry the VIII I am” until verse 68 ever again.

198. Not allowed to lead a “Coup” during training missions.

200. My chain of command is not interested in why I “just happen” to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.

201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.

202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the “Safety Dance” and the “Safety Briefing” are never to be combined.

203. “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys” is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.

204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an “Easter Desecration.”

205. Don’t write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. (”Broken clutch pedal”, “Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs”, “flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged”)

207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)

208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civilians who are “hearing conversations” from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.

211. Don’t ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.

212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don’t have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.

09-07-2013 11:23am

A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the

hotel. It is precious. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels

depressed. Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from

Mandarin to English....

Getting There:

Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel

runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You

will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the

bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to

have intercourse with all new guests.

The hotel:

This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are

always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in

the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in

the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not

allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is

ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:

Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At

dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:

Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every

room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding

obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road

between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed

Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any

other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her.

She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If

asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above all:

When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You

will struggle to forget it."

Hagar the Nice. · 09-07-2013 12:36pm

Pat n Mick are fishing down in the glen,only problem is,there's not a drop of water.....anywhere.
PC Riley is observing the pair of them 100 yards away and he's thinking to himself 'Beejesus,what on earth are these two clowns doing?'
He wanders over and says 'Top of da morning lads,I hope you don't mind me asking but what are you both doing.'
'Sure we're fishing officer and we've caught a whale to be sure.' says Pat.
'You've caught a what !!!' asks PC Riley totally flabbergasted.
'A whale',replies Mick,its over der behind dat tree officer.'
PC Riley clearly thinks both of them have flipped so he decides to catch them out and asks them,'Sure that's brilliant guys but is it a black,blue or white whale you have caught.'
'Don't be so daft officer,its a bicycle wheel we caught.'

Mr Tibbs · 09-07-2013 9:27pm

A bloke goes on a holiday to France and books into a cheap hotel as he is trying to economise. He goes up to his room and his eyes pop out of his head when he sees how lavish the room is. He goes into the bedroom to leave down the suitcase and recieves a bigger surprise as there on a four poster bed is a beautiful naked blonde waiting for him. Well all reason goes out the window as he jumps into bed and for the whole week of his holiday's he screws the blonde in every position possible. Week over he goes down to reception to pay his bill thinking he owes a fortune and the receptionist says no need for money here and hands him an envelope. He doesn't ask why and outside the door he opens the envelope to find three thousand euro inside. These French are crazy people he thinks and heads home very contented.
Back home in the pub he tells his friend all about his brilliant holiday that he was paid for, so sure enough his buddy heads over to the same place to see if this is true. Sure enough he is delighted with the room and in the bedroom there is the beautiful blonde ready willing and able. Well he screws her for the week goes down to reception to fix up and recieves the same answer and is handed the envelope. Outside the door he opens the envelope to find only a thousand euro, so cheekily he goes back in to complain. He tells the receptionist that his friend got three thousand and for the same deal he only got one. Well says the receptionist your friend will be on cable television and you are only on dirty postcards.

Tom Hanks · 09-07-2013 10:10pm

What's the definition of mixed emotions?

When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

rolliepoley · 09-07-2013 10:35pm

- Your name, Sir.
- Bakshish Abdul
- Sex?
- Seven to eleven times a week.
- No, no... I mean male or female?
- No difference, male, female, sometimes camel
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow too, but also sheep, all kinds of animals.
- But isn't that hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, free style, any style - you name it!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer run too fast...

major bill · 09-07-2013 11:59pm

A Roman walks into a Bar, sticks two fingers up to the Barman and says ''Il have 5 beers please''

padma · 10-07-2013 10:23pm

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

... "My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

Vito Corleone · 10-07-2013 10:38pm

I quit my job in the helium balloon factory, I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

rolliepoley · 10-07-2013 11:30pm

A group of chess enthusiasts were kicked out of a hotel reception for discussing their winning games. The manager can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

rolliepoley · 10-07-2013 11:45pm

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

rolliepoley · 11-07-2013 12:05am

A very well-known international furniture and interior decoration D.I.Y. Store recently set up a customer assistance department. The first call they got was from a lady who had purchased a wardrobe early in the morning. She explained that after assembly the wardrobe had crumbled three times when the public transport bus passed in front of her house. The store sent a technician over to her place. He reassembled the wardrobe - which was in the night hall on the second floor - and then went into it to observe what would happen when the bus, which was due a few minutes later, went by. The phone rang just then and the lady went downstairs to take the call. Just then her husband came home from work with a terrible flue condition. Hearing his wife on the phone he trudged upstairs where he found the wardrobe; on opening one of the doors and seeing the man inside he exclaimed "What the dickens are you doing in there!?!" To which the guy replied "I know you'll never believe this, but I'm waiting for the bus!!"

rolliepoley · 11-07-2013 12:13am

General Amalgamated Industries, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here."
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Curly Judge · 11-07-2013 6:23am

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1 : 00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,...........'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight......let's pretend that we're married'

'Wow!......................That's a great idea!' he exclaimed..

'Good,' she replied................. 'Get your own f...ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ........................he farted.

The end!

Hagar the Nice. · 11-07-2013 7:02pm

'But, but... what does that mean?', I asked the doctor when he told me that I would become impotent.

'Well', he said, 'It's something like playing snooker with a rope...'

Hagar the Nice. · 11-07-2013 7:02pm

'But, but... what does that mean?', I asked the doctor when he told me that I would become impotent.

'Well', he said, 'It's something like playing snooker with a rope...'

Hagar the Nice. · 11-07-2013 7:04pm

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

Hagar the Nice. · 11-07-2013 7:07pm

I grew up in a tough area. When I was a kid, people used to cover me in chocolate and cream, then put a cherry on my head.

Life was tough in the Gateau.

Hagar the Nice. · 11-07-2013 7:27pm

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cosy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there" and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches... just send the wine back…

Hagar the Nice. · 11-07-2013 7:29pm

Watching the news about the stricken cruise ship and the Sky presenter says "she's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court", I just happened to glance at the wife on the couch - and now it's all kicked off.

richieffff · 11-07-2013 8:19pm

A teacher asks her students to use the word "contagious".

Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.

"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

podge3 · 11-07-2013 8:32pm

richieffff wrote: »

A teacher asks her students to use the word "contagious".

Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.

"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

Groundhog Day much?

http://www.boards.ie/search/submit/?thread=2056102387&query=contagious

rolliepoley · 11-07-2013 9:24pm

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby

“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.

“No,” said the minister. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”

“You’re both wrong,” the guru said. “The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.”

The repairman could contain himself no longer. “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted. “The best prayin’ I ever did was when I was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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