The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Lelantos

CastingCouch wrote: »

Ah it's a joke.

Wouldn't it be worse if he was partaking in gang rape?!

Only if he was the rapee!

Capt'n Midnight

A 'Star Trek' fan was assassinated down by the River Lee.

He was capped in Cork.

el diablo

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

That's bad, real bad!

Looks like you're one of the few that "got it". :cool:

rolliepoley

I see jennings funeral homes are branching out into the hair salon business, their new adventure will be called Curlup & dye.

MrSphincter

A London lawyer runs a stop sign in Dublin and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London , and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!! Irish Garda says,' License and registration, please.' London Lawyer says, 'What for?' Irish Garda replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign.' London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.' Irish Garda says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop.

License And registration, please.' London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?' Irish Garda says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.' Irish Garda says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.' The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the **** out of the lawyer with it and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

Lelantos

Ah I posted that a few weeks ago

rolliepoley

Three women sitting in a bar having a drink. Their boyfriends are all named Georgie. One day they decide to name their boyfriends after softdrinks to tell the difference between them.

The first one says "I'll name mine 7-up because he's seven inches and always up."

The second one says "I'll name mine MOUNTAIN DEW because he likes to mount and do me."

And the third one says "I'll name mine Jack Daniels." The others say "Hey! That's not a softdrink that's a hard licker!". She says "That's My Georgie!!"

rolliepoley

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tutti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.

A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.

The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tutti Homini, et Tutti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope.
They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people.

The Pope said, "Sure".

The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tutti Homini, et Tutti Femini, et Tutti Fruiti."

Busted Flat.

MrSphincter wrote: »

A London lawyer runs a stop sign in Dublin and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London , and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!! Irish Garda says,' License and registration, please.' London Lawyer says, 'What for?' Irish Garda replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign.' London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.' Irish Garda says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop.

License And registration, please.' London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?' Irish Garda says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.' Irish Garda says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.' The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the **** out of the lawyer with it and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

He would have gone to the old school of the Heavy Gang, how much did those clowns cost the country in compensation. I do not wish to put a damper on the thread, or derail the same.

Hagar the Nice.

DODGY EMAIL WARNING! Do not under any circumstances open any email you receive which says "two free tickets to see Glasgow Rangers". It contains two free tickets to see Glasgow Rangers. Please, help others and pass this message on!

Hagar the Nice.

i don't understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. if i wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, i'd effing stay at home!

Hagar the Nice.

A salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan. Realising he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir" the clerk told him apologetically "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes".

Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00 and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read 'Manicures: $20.00'. "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read "This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents". The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood... into the opening.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit... which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

Hagar the Nice.

Picked a prostitute up and said how much then?

"£5"

"Thats a bit cheap-why is that?"

"I dont have a womb" She said.

"How can we do it then?" I asked her.





"Acwoss the woad behind the wailings."She replied.

Padkir

Busted Flat. wrote: »

He would have gone to the old school of the Heavy Gang, how much did those clowns cost the country in compensation. I do not wish to put a damper on the thread, or derail the same.

Ah FFS!

Busted Flat.

Padkir wrote: »

Ah FFS!

Police brutality is not a joke in any country, but they get away with it. Wait till your time comes.

Busted Flat.

Busted Flat. wrote: »

He would have gone to the old school of the Heavy Gang, how much did those clowns cost the country in compensation. I do not wish to put a damper on the thread, or derail the same.

Then don't.

Hagar the Nice.

It's Saturday morning and Dave's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon.

So Dave heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Dave. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom withuncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Dave says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's...dead."

"Oh my God! What about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and
he was real scared and he jumped out the back
window into the swimming pool. But he must
have forgot that last week you took out all
the water to clean it up. so he hit the bottom of
the swimming pool and he's dead too!"

There is a long pause. "Swimming pool? Is
this 015176622?"

Citycap

Busted Flat. wrote: »

He would have gone to the old school of the Heavy Gang, how much did those clowns cost the country in compensation. I do not wish to put a damper on the thread, or derail the same.

Get a life. Its called black humour. .
You must have great fun laughing at "why did the free range chicken cross the road jokes"

efb

9yo: Look what I made!
Me: What?
9yo: I taped 2 toilet rolls & made binoculars!
Me: *Holds up iPad* This is what 9yos in China make.

major bill

I've started violence at the last three tuition fees demonstrations and still I've managed to avoid being arrested.

I guess you can't really see my face behind the riot shield.




Not the Greatest but in light of recent comments it fits in well

Hagar the Nice.

Was in the Tesco today and saw a guy with his knob in a jar of mayonaise.

I thought.......... feckin hell man.

Anyone

My boss said to me today "Bloody hell, what did you drink last night?"

I replied "Nothing, why?"

He said "You absoloutley stink of alcohol!"

"Ahh" I said "I had 4 cans on the way in to work this morning"

Hagar the Nice.

Got sacked as a bingo caller. Bosses said that " a meal for two, with a terrible view" wasn't the right way to announce 69.:(

Hagar the Nice.

Wife comes home from work to find the husband sitting watching the football.
She says "that's it, I've decided I am leaving you. All you do is talk about football. You think about nothing else.
I am also seeing someone else. He is younger than you, handsome, tender, understanding, treats me like a queen, does anything I ask,
has a 9" cock and shafts me every day hard and dirty until I can't take any more"
The husband replies "Really ? what team does he support" ?

Hagar the Nice.

Man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of quid for dinner.

The man produced his wallet, took out £20 and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend it on a ticket to the football' instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't been to a game in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and football."

Hagar the Nice.

There was a rich and handsome king. He sent fliers throughout his kingdom promising that whoever brought him the head of the fearsome dragon that was terrorizing the countryside could have all of his wealth or the hand of his lovely daughter in marriage. Of course, all the able-bodied men in the kingdom went off in pursuit. Three days later a fellow arrived at the palace door bearing the bloody head of the dragon. "Well done," exclaimed the king. "You may have my beautiful daughter's hand." "Thanks, but I don't want your daughter," said the man. "I see. Come with me to empty out the treasury," offered the king. "Thanks, but I don't want your money either. I want YOU, sweetie!" So they lived happily ever after. See, I told you it was a fairy tale.

Hagar the Nice.

Paddy sets Murphy up on a blind date.

He says "she's a lovely girl but there's something you should know, she's
expecting a baby!"

Next day, Paddy asked Murphy "How did you get on?"

"Alright" said Murphy,

"Apart from she was an hour late and I felt a right twat sat at end of bar
in just a nappy!"

periodictable

Punking of KTVU news anchor over Aircrash names

Hagar the Nice.

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

NONE, they never get the house!

Psst,it's true ladies isn't it.:)

Hagar the Nice.

periodictable wrote: »

Punking of KTVU news anchor over Aircrash names

That story is true btw.:)