The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Hagar the Nice.

i don't understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. if i wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, i'd effing stay at home!

Hagar the Nice.

A salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan. Realising he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir" the clerk told him apologetically "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes".

Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00 and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read 'Manicures: $20.00'. "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read "This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents". The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood... into the opening.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit... which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

Hagar the Nice.

Picked a prostitute up and said how much then?

"£5"

"Thats a bit cheap-why is that?"

"I dont have a womb" She said.

"How can we do it then?" I asked her.





"Acwoss the woad behind the wailings."She replied.

Padkir

Busted Flat. wrote: »

He would have gone to the old school of the Heavy Gang, how much did those clowns cost the country in compensation. I do not wish to put a damper on the thread, or derail the same.

Ah FFS!

Busted Flat.

Padkir wrote: »

Ah FFS!

Police brutality is not a joke in any country, but they get away with it. Wait till your time comes.

Busted Flat.

Busted Flat. wrote: »

He would have gone to the old school of the Heavy Gang, how much did those clowns cost the country in compensation. I do not wish to put a damper on the thread, or derail the same.

Then don't.

Hagar the Nice.

It's Saturday morning and Dave's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon.

So Dave heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Dave. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom withuncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Dave says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's...dead."

"Oh my God! What about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and
he was real scared and he jumped out the back
window into the swimming pool. But he must
have forgot that last week you took out all
the water to clean it up. so he hit the bottom of
the swimming pool and he's dead too!"

There is a long pause. "Swimming pool? Is
this 015176622?"

Citycap

Busted Flat. wrote: »

He would have gone to the old school of the Heavy Gang, how much did those clowns cost the country in compensation. I do not wish to put a damper on the thread, or derail the same.

Get a life. Its called black humour. .
You must have great fun laughing at "why did the free range chicken cross the road jokes"

efb

9yo: Look what I made!
Me: What?
9yo: I taped 2 toilet rolls & made binoculars!
Me: *Holds up iPad* This is what 9yos in China make.

major bill

I've started violence at the last three tuition fees demonstrations and still I've managed to avoid being arrested.

I guess you can't really see my face behind the riot shield.




Not the Greatest but in light of recent comments it fits in well

Hagar the Nice.

Was in the Tesco today and saw a guy with his knob in a jar of mayonaise.

I thought.......... feckin hell man.

Anyone

My boss said to me today "Bloody hell, what did you drink last night?"

I replied "Nothing, why?"

He said "You absoloutley stink of alcohol!"

"Ahh" I said "I had 4 cans on the way in to work this morning"

Hagar the Nice.

Got sacked as a bingo caller. Bosses said that " a meal for two, with a terrible view" wasn't the right way to announce 69.:(

Hagar the Nice.

Wife comes home from work to find the husband sitting watching the football.
She says "that's it, I've decided I am leaving you. All you do is talk about football. You think about nothing else.
I am also seeing someone else. He is younger than you, handsome, tender, understanding, treats me like a queen, does anything I ask,
has a 9" cock and shafts me every day hard and dirty until I can't take any more"
The husband replies "Really ? what team does he support" ?

Hagar the Nice.

Man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of quid for dinner.

The man produced his wallet, took out £20 and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend it on a ticket to the football' instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't been to a game in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and football."

Hagar the Nice.

There was a rich and handsome king. He sent fliers throughout his kingdom promising that whoever brought him the head of the fearsome dragon that was terrorizing the countryside could have all of his wealth or the hand of his lovely daughter in marriage. Of course, all the able-bodied men in the kingdom went off in pursuit. Three days later a fellow arrived at the palace door bearing the bloody head of the dragon. "Well done," exclaimed the king. "You may have my beautiful daughter's hand." "Thanks, but I don't want your daughter," said the man. "I see. Come with me to empty out the treasury," offered the king. "Thanks, but I don't want your money either. I want YOU, sweetie!" So they lived happily ever after. See, I told you it was a fairy tale.

Hagar the Nice.

Paddy sets Murphy up on a blind date.

He says "she's a lovely girl but there's something you should know, she's
expecting a baby!"

Next day, Paddy asked Murphy "How did you get on?"

"Alright" said Murphy,

"Apart from she was an hour late and I felt a right twat sat at end of bar
in just a nappy!"

periodictable

Punking of KTVU news anchor over Aircrash names

Hagar the Nice.

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

NONE, they never get the house!

Psst,it's true ladies isn't it.:)

Hagar the Nice.

periodictable wrote: »

Punking of KTVU news anchor over Aircrash names

That story is true btw.:)

padma

So we went fifty/fifty on our divorce settlement. She got the inside and I got the outside of the house.

corktina

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

Was in the Tesco today and saw a guy with his knob in a jar of mayonaise.

I thought.......... feckin hell man.

oh no, I'm ****in discustard..... going to try yoghurt next

Hagar the Nice.

corktina wrote: »

oh no, I'm ****in discustard..... going to try yoghurt next

Make sure you buy the Activia one as it won't fall off as easily as the Weightwatchers yoghurt does..........
NOT that I've tried it personally.:D

rolliepoley

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says,

"Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

rolliepoley

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so.

The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. "Spank him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place."

Peregrine

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

Was in the Tesco today and saw a guy with his knob in a jar of mayonaise.

I thought.......... feckin hell man.

Gardaí have identified the cause of a car crash which claimed the life of the driver, the driver was found dead with his penis stuck in a jar of peanut butter. They say he was fúckin' nuts.

Capt'n Midnight

Zsa Zsa Gabor is a great housekeeper. Been divorced seven times and she's always kept the house.

lingaling

Paddy is going 4 a job cutting down trees paddy is in the interview and the man asked him did he every do that kinda work paddy says god i did it 4 years the asked paddy were about paddy say the sahara forest the man rubs his head and say the sahara desert surely u mean paddy says o thats what they call it now

corktina

lingaling wrote: »

Paddy is going 4 a job cutting down trees paddy is in the interview and the man asked him did he every do that kinda work paddy says god i did it 4 years the asked paddy were about paddy say the sahara forest the man rubs his head and say the sahara desert surely u mean paddy says o thats what they call it now

...and breathe....:D

Bassfish

I worry about the escalating levels of violence in our communities, just the other day I walked into Tesco and punched a guy for no reason!