The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

padma

So we went fifty/fifty on our divorce settlement. She got the inside and I got the outside of the house.

corktina

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

Was in the Tesco today and saw a guy with his knob in a jar of mayonaise.

I thought.......... feckin hell man.

oh no, I'm ****in discustard..... going to try yoghurt next

Hagar the Nice.

corktina wrote: »

oh no, I'm ****in discustard..... going to try yoghurt next

Make sure you buy the Activia one as it won't fall off as easily as the Weightwatchers yoghurt does..........
NOT that I've tried it personally.:D

rolliepoley

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says,

"Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

rolliepoley

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so.

The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. "Spank him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place."

Peregrine

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

Was in the Tesco today and saw a guy with his knob in a jar of mayonaise.

I thought.......... feckin hell man.

Gardaí have identified the cause of a car crash which claimed the life of the driver, the driver was found dead with his penis stuck in a jar of peanut butter. They say he was fúckin' nuts.

Capt'n Midnight

Zsa Zsa Gabor is a great housekeeper. Been divorced seven times and she's always kept the house.

lingaling

Paddy is going 4 a job cutting down trees paddy is in the interview and the man asked him did he every do that kinda work paddy says god i did it 4 years the asked paddy were about paddy say the sahara forest the man rubs his head and say the sahara desert surely u mean paddy says o thats what they call it now

corktina

lingaling wrote: »

Paddy is going 4 a job cutting down trees paddy is in the interview and the man asked him did he every do that kinda work paddy says god i did it 4 years the asked paddy were about paddy say the sahara forest the man rubs his head and say the sahara desert surely u mean paddy says o thats what they call it now

...and breathe....:D

Bassfish

I worry about the escalating levels of violence in our communities, just the other day I walked into Tesco and punched a guy for no reason!

jimgoose

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Helen turned to her oldest friend.

"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"





"Two and a half carats."

Hagar the Nice.

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Zsa Zsa Gabor is a great housekeeper. Been divorced seven times and she's always kept the house.

9 husbands and 1 child,that poor kid must have some amount of cleaning with so many houses available.

rolliepoley

Bad, bad Leroy

Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His Mother
decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She
said, "Well, Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to
just go out and buy you anything you want. Why don't you write a
letter to Jesus and pray for one instead?" After Leroy threw a temper
tantrum, his mother sent him to his room, where he finally sat down to
write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new
bicycle.
Your friend,
Leroy.

Now, Leroy knew that Jesus really understood what kind of boy he
was - a brat - so Leroy ripped up the letter and decided to give it
another try.

Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year, and I want a new bicycle.
Yours truly,
Leroy Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest either, so he tore
it up and tried again. Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy
this year, and can I have a bicycle?
Leroy

Leroy looked deep down into his heart (which, by the way, was what
his mother really wanted). He knew he had been terrible and was
deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in
the trash can, and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about
the streets, depressed because of the way he had treated his parents.
For the first time, he really considered his actions. Leroy finally
found himself in front of a Catholic Church. He went inside and knelt
down, looking around but not knowing what he should really do. Leroy
finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all
the statues. All of a sudden, he grabbed a small statue and ran out
the door. He went home, hid it under his bed, and wrote this letter:


Jesus, I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me
a bike.
From,
You know who.

Dave H

A supervisor at the docks went up to one of his staff and said "John, I'm in a bit of a bind. There's four chimpanzees just in off the boat. I need someone to bring them to Dublin zoo. I'll give you €100 if you'll do it."
"No bother" said John and off he went. Delighted with this, the supervisor went on about his day. After work, he was driving down O'Connell Street only to see John with the four chimpanzees standing outside the Savoy.
He screeched to a halt, got out of the car and roared over, "John, what the hell are you at?!!! I gave you €100 to bring those chimps to the zoo."
"I did," says John, "and I'd money left over so I'm bringing them to the pictures."

CastingCouch

I see there are 3 people with over 100 posts in this thread and more posters with lots of multiple posts too.

I thought this was the best joke ye ever heard thread? :pac:

rolliepoley

Dad: Son, if you don't stop masturbating you will go blind.

Son: Dad, I'm over here.

roosterman71

Guy rings his boss in work
"Hey, I won't be in today, I'm sick"
Boss: "Ah now, how sick are ya?"
Guy: "I'm in bed with my sister"

rolliepoley

By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a proprietor. "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.
" No problem." the tired Army guy assured him, "I'll take it." The next morning the soldier came down to breakfasts bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better", said the soldier. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?" "No, I shut him up in no time", explained the soldier.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the proprietor.
"Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek" explained the soldier. “Then, I whispered in his ear 'Good night beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me."

Vito Corleone

CastingCouch wrote: »

I see there are 3 people with over 100 posts in this thread and more posters with lots of multiple posts too.

I thought this was the best joke ye ever heard thread? :pac:

I don't get it.

CarrickMcJoe

<snip>

Mod: Poster banned for this post

Lelantos

^^^

rolliepoley

CastingCouch wrote: »

I see there are 3 people with over 100 posts in this thread and more posters with lots of multiple posts too.

I thought this was the best joke ye ever heard thread? :pac:

Ya thought right, where is yours.

:pac::pac::pac::pac::pac::pac::pac::pac::pac::pac::pac::pac::pac::pac:

Micky Dolenz

Police are called to a ice cream parlour. On arrival they find a dead man covered in hundreds and thousands. They suspect he topped himself.

HalloweenJack

Why were blowjobs invented?

As a headache cure.

becost

Where did the Chinese man go after his wife divorced him?

Back to Wangking

Mr Tibbs

Our local Super-Value had a break in last night. Every box of Cornflakes and Rice Crispies were ripped to shreads with a very sharp knife the Gardai said they are looking for a serial killer.

rolliepoley

Why do men snore when they lie on their backs?
It's because their balls fall over their butt-hole, which causes a vapor lock.

EoghanIRL

Marriage is like a deck of cards . At fist you need two hearts and a diamond.
But at the end all you need is a club and a spade.

EoghanIRL

Tornado warning in Texas .
Everyone should go to the cowboys stadium .
There is no chance of touchdown there.

A guy walks up to a beautiful woman in a shopping mall. "Excuse me" he says "But I've lost my wife here somewhere and I can't find her. Could you please help me?"
"What do you need me to do?" asks the woman.
"Just stand here and talk to me" the man replies.
"How's that going to help?" she asks
"I don't know exactly, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of no where!"