The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Hagar the Nice.

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

I posted that joke at 11.28 pm last night.

Same joke, different script,

Hagar the Nice.

Deleted User wrote: »

Same joke, different script,

Two be sure.

padma

I went to the doctor for a checkup - it all went fine, until he tried to write my prescription with a thermometer he had taken from his breast pocket. After a pause, he looked at the thermometer and said 'Damnit! Some asshole has my pen!'

Mr Tibbs

A carpenter is constructing a partition for a madame in a whore house. He goes out to the desk to get paid and the madame says that she has no cash as all her customers pay by credit card now. If I dont get paid right now I'm going to rip the partition out. OK says the madame the best way I can pay you right now is to offer you the service of the house. Which girl would you like so he says I'd like you. But I'm an old woman. Look he says its you I want have we a deal. So the two of them head upstairs to a bedroom. He tells her to strip and lie face down on the bed. She's an old pro so she does as he asked. He sticks one finger up her pussy really hard and sticks another finger up her ass. She says what are you trying to do and he says I told you already if I don't get paid I'm going to rip the partition out.

Bozo Skeleton

"My uncle died of the big C."
"Cancer?"
"No. He fúckin' drowned."


* Heard at a funeral.

MissyFit

Did you hear about the new Dublin bra?

Its all support and no cup

padma

Bozo Skeleton wrote: »

"My uncle died of the big C."
"Cancer?"
"No. He fúckin' drowned."


* Heard at a funeral.

What did he die of?

He died of a Tuesday.

My father answers this question like this all the time.

rolliepoley

The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

rolliepoley

A man was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 60 years. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the guy said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

abcdefghijkl

Why did the loo roll roll down the hill?

---

To get to the bottom.





YEAH!!!

Eli Nich

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

Last one for the nite.....honest..........OK OK don't all cheer at once.:(

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.

He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.

He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheesy Wotsits."

Hagar the Nice.

Old mafioso boss Gio was thrilled when his three trusty buddies raided the First National bankof America and escaped with $1 million dollars in their last ever raid.

His three buddies Mow Joe,so named because anyone who came near him got mowed down straight away,Rat a tat Pat,who was feared because of no nonsense approach in any bank,and Cedric,the quiet assassin because although he was deaf and dumb he was the eyes for the other two in any bank jobs.

Gio asked them all to join him in a farewell drink before they all split up and as they were having a round of drinks,Gio went to the safe to give his boys a share of the proceeds,it was empty !!!

"Right,which one of you guys has nicked the dough,huh?"
They all looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders,so Gio said he'd take them all into his room one by one and find out who was the culprit.

"Joe,in ya come" shouted Gio.
Joe slowly troops in,"Joe,I've known you for many a year,I want the truth OK."
Joe replied Bbbbbboss,I don't have a clue honest I don't."

Bang,Joe is dead.

"Okay Pat,where is the dough,eh."
"Gio,Gio,you know me,have I ever let you......."

Bang,Pat is dead.

In walks Cedric,shaking from head to toe.
"Okay Cedric,da money."?

Cedric starts making sign languages and his boss is furious so he contacts someone who's versed up on it.
In walks Mr Miller who asks if he can speak to Cedric in another room,and promises Gio he'll get an an answer in 5 minutes flat,though he notices two dead bodies lying on the floor.

So Miller confronts Cedric in sign language and Cedric says the cash is at 125,Elmvale St,Noo Yoik.
Out they walk and Go said "well,where is the cash,if I don't get it I'm gonna pump Cedric full of lead."
Mr Miller replied "Cedric said you haven't got the guts to kill him."

Banjo String

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her knickers and quickly gives her right arse cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

Bozo Skeleton

What's got 9 arms and sucks?

Def Leppard.

major bill

Boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled 'LSD'?"

Granny replies, "**** the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

Bozo Skeleton

Why didn't the life guard save the hippie?

Because he was too far out.


Ba dum tish

Hagar the Nice.

Pat n Mick go in for a pint and they sit down at their table and both produce a Ploughman's lunch from their rucksacks.
"Hey you two," shouts the barman,"you ain't allowed to bring in your own food in here."
So they both swopped them over.

Hagar the Nice.

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.
Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and
ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'
Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street ...'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'
More heavy breathing and another minute later.
Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few minutes until....
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'
Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just
dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .'

Hagar the Nice.

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his mobile phone "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep. "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have a nice day."

Hagar the Nice.

A man opens his door and finds a snail on his front porch. He picks it up and throws it across the street.
A year later the man opens his door and finds the same snail on his front porch.
The snail looks up and says, "What the **** was that all about?"

Hagar the Nice.

Excerpts from a dogs and cat diary
Excerpts from a Dogs Diary...
8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!



Excerpts from a Cat's Diary...
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to annoy them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.
!!!!!!!s!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe......for now !!!

Hagar the Nice.

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'

The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?


The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.


The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'


The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'


By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question .The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.

New website launched to expose the activities of an STD clinic, www.mickeyleaks.com

mf240

last night I heard my neighbor having sex for what seemed like ages, full on moaning and headboard banging off the wall.

Turns out it was her elderly mother who had fallen and hit her head and was banging on the wall with her walking stick for help.





I feel a bit guilty about the **** now.

rolliepoley

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty."

Sunhill

rolliepoley wrote: »

Quasimodo, the demented bell ringer of Notre Dame, put an ad in the papers for a assistant bell ringer. One man applied for the job but he had no arms.
"How are you going to assist me?" asked Quasimodo.
"That's easy!" replied the man and he ran at the bell and banged it with his head.
BONG!!!
"That's amazing!" said Quasimodo. "Could you show me that again?"
"Sure!" said the man and he ran at the bell again but he missed the swinging bell and fell out of the bell tower. A crowd huddled around the hapless man lying in the street and a police office asked, "Does anyone know who he is?"
Quasimodo came out and said...
"I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HIS FACE SURE RINGS A BELL!"

continues ....
Quasimodo then put another ad in the paper for a replacement bell ringer and gets a response from the dead man's brother. This man had no arms either but showed Quasimodo that he could ring the bell with his nose. Unfortunately he had the same accident as his brother. He was lying dead on the street when somebody asked Quasimodo who was he. Quasimodo said:
"I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER."

rolliepoley

A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes." "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bulls---tin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."

rolliepoley

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was
waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus
stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height
of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that
this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, and much to her chagrin, she
could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled,
"Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

wexie

*******************************************************
This could be considered somewhat un-PC but I'll try to keep it reasonably kosher.
*******************************************************

Johnny is a young construction worker who had recently got married to a hot young'un.

He's only just back from the honeymoon and back to work, up on some scaffolding when his mobile rings. It's the missus. She tells him she's just had a long leisurely bath, shaved her legs and all her bits and she's lying on the bed, absolutely but nekked. She also tells him that : the first man to call to the house is going to get the ride of his life.... :eek:

Johny hangs up the phone and panics, it's 10 o'clock in the morning, the postman, Airtricity guy, Sky sales man, anybody could be ringing that doorbell any second!!! He's gotta get home!!!

He talks to the foreman and explains the situation. The foreman remembers those days just after having gotten married and is very understanding :

"just get home lad, I'll cover things here"

Johnny races to his Civic, hops in and races off at some ungodly speed.

"ah bloody hell, orange light....I can make it, just a little bit faster"

He tears through the red light and drives straight into a <insert favorite minority> and launches him straight off the bonnet, through the plate glass window right into a Tesco's. :eek:

A nearby guard saw the whole thing and comes running to Johnny who'd gotten out of the Civic and goes :

"geez lad, you were going pretty fast!!!"

Johnny explains why he's in such a hurry and has to get home. The guard remembers those days of frequent and sloppy sex. He has a think about it and says : "get out of here, I'll take care of things here"

(Johnny : )"But what about the <insert favorite minority>???"

(Guard : )

"Ah don't worry about him, I'll arrest him for shoplifting"

rolliepoley

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started
to breastfeed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it, so she said,
"Come on,
eat it all up or ... I'll have
to give it to this nice man here."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding,
so she said,
"Come on, honey.
Take it or I'll give it to this nice
man here."

A few minutes later, the anxious man
blurted out,
"Come on, kid.
Make up your mind!
I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"