The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Hagar the Nice.

Excerpts from a dogs and cat diary
Excerpts from a Dogs Diary...
8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!



Excerpts from a Cat's Diary...
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to annoy them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.
!!!!!!!s!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe......for now !!!

Hagar the Nice.

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'

The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?


The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.


The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'


The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'


By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question .The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.

New website launched to expose the activities of an STD clinic, www.mickeyleaks.com

mf240

last night I heard my neighbor having sex for what seemed like ages, full on moaning and headboard banging off the wall.

Turns out it was her elderly mother who had fallen and hit her head and was banging on the wall with her walking stick for help.





I feel a bit guilty about the **** now.

rolliepoley

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty."

Sunhill

rolliepoley wrote: »

Quasimodo, the demented bell ringer of Notre Dame, put an ad in the papers for a assistant bell ringer. One man applied for the job but he had no arms.
"How are you going to assist me?" asked Quasimodo.
"That's easy!" replied the man and he ran at the bell and banged it with his head.
BONG!!!
"That's amazing!" said Quasimodo. "Could you show me that again?"
"Sure!" said the man and he ran at the bell again but he missed the swinging bell and fell out of the bell tower. A crowd huddled around the hapless man lying in the street and a police office asked, "Does anyone know who he is?"
Quasimodo came out and said...
"I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HIS FACE SURE RINGS A BELL!"

continues ....
Quasimodo then put another ad in the paper for a replacement bell ringer and gets a response from the dead man's brother. This man had no arms either but showed Quasimodo that he could ring the bell with his nose. Unfortunately he had the same accident as his brother. He was lying dead on the street when somebody asked Quasimodo who was he. Quasimodo said:
"I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER."

rolliepoley

A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes." "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bulls---tin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."

rolliepoley

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was
waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus
stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height
of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that
this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, and much to her chagrin, she
could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled,
"Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

wexie

*******************************************************
This could be considered somewhat un-PC but I'll try to keep it reasonably kosher.
*******************************************************

Johnny is a young construction worker who had recently got married to a hot young'un.

He's only just back from the honeymoon and back to work, up on some scaffolding when his mobile rings. It's the missus. She tells him she's just had a long leisurely bath, shaved her legs and all her bits and she's lying on the bed, absolutely but nekked. She also tells him that : the first man to call to the house is going to get the ride of his life.... :eek:

Johny hangs up the phone and panics, it's 10 o'clock in the morning, the postman, Airtricity guy, Sky sales man, anybody could be ringing that doorbell any second!!! He's gotta get home!!!

He talks to the foreman and explains the situation. The foreman remembers those days just after having gotten married and is very understanding :

"just get home lad, I'll cover things here"

Johnny races to his Civic, hops in and races off at some ungodly speed.

"ah bloody hell, orange light....I can make it, just a little bit faster"

He tears through the red light and drives straight into a <insert favorite minority> and launches him straight off the bonnet, through the plate glass window right into a Tesco's. :eek:

A nearby guard saw the whole thing and comes running to Johnny who'd gotten out of the Civic and goes :

"geez lad, you were going pretty fast!!!"

Johnny explains why he's in such a hurry and has to get home. The guard remembers those days of frequent and sloppy sex. He has a think about it and says : "get out of here, I'll take care of things here"

(Johnny : )"But what about the <insert favorite minority>???"

(Guard : )

"Ah don't worry about him, I'll arrest him for shoplifting"

rolliepoley

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started
to breastfeed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it, so she said,
"Come on,
eat it all up or ... I'll have
to give it to this nice man here."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding,
so she said,
"Come on, honey.
Take it or I'll give it to this nice
man here."

A few minutes later, the anxious man
blurted out,
"Come on, kid.
Make up your mind!
I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

stefan idiot jones

Sunhill wrote: »

continues ....
Quasimodo then put another ad in the paper for a replacement bell ringer and gets a response from the dead man's brother. This man had no arms either but showed Quasimodo that he could ring the bell with his nose. Unfortunately he had the same accident as his brother. He was lying dead on the street when somebody asked Quasimodo who was he. Quasimodo said:
"I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER."

A guy asks Quasimodo what that lump is in his pocket ? Quasi replies 'a photo of the family'.

Quasimodo walks into a mens outfitters and asks the staff member 'Do you have a suit in here that will fit me'? The man replies 'If we do, someone is going to get fired'?


Mike Reid R.I.P.

Camrat

quasimodo came home from a hard days bell ringing and saw his wife in the kitchen with a wok in her hand Ah said quasi we are having chinese for tea ,

No she said I'm ironing your ****ing shirts?

rolliepoley

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles . One day Sid asks Al, "Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico ?" Al replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter." When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
The waiter says, "I don't know, Senor. I ask the cook." He returns from the kitchen a few minutes later and says, "No, Senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."

Al isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with 'Gringos,' replies, "I check once again, Senor."

While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico . Our people are scattered everywhere.

The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook say there is no Mexican Jews."

Al asks, "Are you certain? I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews."

The exasperated waiter says, "Senor, I ask EVERYONE, all we have is: Orange Jews,
Grape Jews, Prune Jews and Tomato Jews.

FanadMan

Sunhill wrote: »

continues ....
Quasimodo then put another ad in the paper for a replacement bell ringer and gets a response from the dead man's brother. This man had no arms either but showed Quasimodo that he could ring the bell with his nose. Unfortunately he had the same accident as his brother. He was lying dead on the street when somebody asked Quasimodo who was he. Quasimodo said:
"I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER."

Sorry to say but this was done already......kinda. And just a few posts after the original one

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=85311401&postcount=4152

--Kaiser--

FanadMan wrote: »

Sorry to say but this was done already......kinda. And just a few posts after the original one

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=85311401&postcount=4152

There are over four thousand posts in this thread, it's gonna happen.

Joke stolen from You Laugh You Lose:

A bear walks into a bar, barman says 'What'll it be?'
The bear says 'I'll have a large gin and...............tonic'.
Barman asks 'Why the big pause?'
Bear looks at his paws and replies 'I dunno, my dad had em this big too'

IK09

WilyCoyote wrote: »

A Bear, a Lion and a Pig meet up. Bear says, "If I roar in the forest the entire forest is shivering with fear." Lion says, "If I roar in the jungle the entire jungle is afraid of me." Pig says, "If I cough the entire planet shits itself."

LionBearPig

ringadingding

Just in case people didn't realise, spoilers on this thread are a waste of time, and a pain in the ass for anybody using the mobile site from a lot of mobiles.

Lelantos

ringadingding wrote: »

Just in case people didn't realise, spoilers on this thread are a waste of time, and a pain in the ass for anybody using the mobile site from a lot of mobiles.

Time for a new phone?

Camrat

Lelantos wrote: »

Time for a new phone?

lmao.........was thinking the same, should have put it a spoiler.

ringadingding

It's not the age of the phone, it's fücking apple being useless bastàrds :-)

rolliepoley

A cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist -- and since she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the store -- there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help the gentleman.

The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional -- and whatever it was that he needed to discuss -- he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'

The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister.'
When she returned, she said, 'We discussed it at length -- and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000 a month -- plus living expenses.'

CarrickMcJoe

Old dog with his leg bandaged hobbles into saloon and makes his way to some cardplaying cowboys in the corner. Everyone stops and look at the animal.

Dog says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw".

--Kaiser--

An Irishman and Italian and an Frenchman are talking about sex in a pub one night:

Frenchman says "After making love to ma woman I leek her toes, she rises an inch off ze bed!"

Italian man says "After having sex with mya wife I tickle her neck and shea floata many inches above the bed!"

Irishman states "That's nuthin', after I'm dun ridin me burd, I wipe my knob off the curtains......she hits the bleeding roof!"

rolliepoley

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey is jumping all over the place, eating everything in the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender screams at the guy, "Your damn monkey just swallowed the cue ball off my pool table!" "Sorry," replied the guy. "The little bastard eats everything in sight. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he **** out that cue ball, he measures stuff first….."

Mariasofia

I asked my hubby to help me with my boards password.
He suggestively replied how about "mypenis".
I lol'ed when computer replied - not long enough try again.

Mariasofia

Blonde: nobody will tell me what idk stands for.
Brunette: i don't know.
Blonde: Omg i thought you were my friend.

Micky Dolenz

When is it unlucky to see a black cat?

When you are a mouse.


What is small, white and smells?


A white baby's nose.

Daveysil15

A pregnant girlfriend is a bit like a slice of burnt toast. In both cases you wish you took it out a few seconds earlier.

Busted Flat.

Where are all the new jokes gone, be inventive, some of the jokes are ones I heard 40 years ago.

Busted Flat.

Busted Flat. wrote: »

Where are all the new jokes gone, be inventive, some of the jokes are ones I heard 40 years ago.

Gary Glitter was a joke 40 years ago!