The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

stefan idiot jones

Sunhill wrote: »

continues ....
Quasimodo then put another ad in the paper for a replacement bell ringer and gets a response from the dead man's brother. This man had no arms either but showed Quasimodo that he could ring the bell with his nose. Unfortunately he had the same accident as his brother. He was lying dead on the street when somebody asked Quasimodo who was he. Quasimodo said:
"I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER."

A guy asks Quasimodo what that lump is in his pocket ? Quasi replies 'a photo of the family'.

Quasimodo walks into a mens outfitters and asks the staff member 'Do you have a suit in here that will fit me'? The man replies 'If we do, someone is going to get fired'?


Mike Reid R.I.P.

Camrat

quasimodo came home from a hard days bell ringing and saw his wife in the kitchen with a wok in her hand Ah said quasi we are having chinese for tea ,

No she said I'm ironing your ****ing shirts?

rolliepoley

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles . One day Sid asks Al, "Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico ?" Al replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter." When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
The waiter says, "I don't know, Senor. I ask the cook." He returns from the kitchen a few minutes later and says, "No, Senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."

Al isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with 'Gringos,' replies, "I check once again, Senor."

While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico . Our people are scattered everywhere.

The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook say there is no Mexican Jews."

Al asks, "Are you certain? I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews."

The exasperated waiter says, "Senor, I ask EVERYONE, all we have is: Orange Jews,
Grape Jews, Prune Jews and Tomato Jews.

FanadMan

Sunhill wrote: »

continues ....
Quasimodo then put another ad in the paper for a replacement bell ringer and gets a response from the dead man's brother. This man had no arms either but showed Quasimodo that he could ring the bell with his nose. Unfortunately he had the same accident as his brother. He was lying dead on the street when somebody asked Quasimodo who was he. Quasimodo said:
"I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER."

Sorry to say but this was done already......kinda. And just a few posts after the original one

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=85311401&postcount=4152

--Kaiser--

FanadMan wrote: »

Sorry to say but this was done already......kinda. And just a few posts after the original one

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=85311401&postcount=4152

There are over four thousand posts in this thread, it's gonna happen.

Joke stolen from You Laugh You Lose:

A bear walks into a bar, barman says 'What'll it be?'
The bear says 'I'll have a large gin and...............tonic'.
Barman asks 'Why the big pause?'
Bear looks at his paws and replies 'I dunno, my dad had em this big too'

IK09

WilyCoyote wrote: »

A Bear, a Lion and a Pig meet up. Bear says, "If I roar in the forest the entire forest is shivering with fear." Lion says, "If I roar in the jungle the entire jungle is afraid of me." Pig says, "If I cough the entire planet shits itself."

LionBearPig

ringadingding

Just in case people didn't realise, spoilers on this thread are a waste of time, and a pain in the ass for anybody using the mobile site from a lot of mobiles.

Lelantos

ringadingding wrote: »

Just in case people didn't realise, spoilers on this thread are a waste of time, and a pain in the ass for anybody using the mobile site from a lot of mobiles.

Time for a new phone?

Camrat

Lelantos wrote: »

Time for a new phone?

lmao.........was thinking the same, should have put it a spoiler.

ringadingding

It's not the age of the phone, it's fücking apple being useless bastàrds :-)

rolliepoley

A cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist -- and since she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the store -- there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help the gentleman.

The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional -- and whatever it was that he needed to discuss -- he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'

The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister.'
When she returned, she said, 'We discussed it at length -- and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000 a month -- plus living expenses.'

CarrickMcJoe

Old dog with his leg bandaged hobbles into saloon and makes his way to some cardplaying cowboys in the corner. Everyone stops and look at the animal.

Dog says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw".

--Kaiser--

An Irishman and Italian and an Frenchman are talking about sex in a pub one night:

Frenchman says "After making love to ma woman I leek her toes, she rises an inch off ze bed!"

Italian man says "After having sex with mya wife I tickle her neck and shea floata many inches above the bed!"

Irishman states "That's nuthin', after I'm dun ridin me burd, I wipe my knob off the curtains......she hits the bleeding roof!"

rolliepoley

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey is jumping all over the place, eating everything in the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender screams at the guy, "Your damn monkey just swallowed the cue ball off my pool table!" "Sorry," replied the guy. "The little bastard eats everything in sight. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he **** out that cue ball, he measures stuff first….."

Mariasofia

I asked my hubby to help me with my boards password.
He suggestively replied how about "mypenis".
I lol'ed when computer replied - not long enough try again.

Mariasofia

Blonde: nobody will tell me what idk stands for.
Brunette: i don't know.
Blonde: Omg i thought you were my friend.

Micky Dolenz

When is it unlucky to see a black cat?

When you are a mouse.


What is small, white and smells?


A white baby's nose.

Daveysil15

A pregnant girlfriend is a bit like a slice of burnt toast. In both cases you wish you took it out a few seconds earlier.

Busted Flat.

Where are all the new jokes gone, be inventive, some of the jokes are ones I heard 40 years ago.

Busted Flat.

Busted Flat. wrote: »

Where are all the new jokes gone, be inventive, some of the jokes are ones I heard 40 years ago.

Gary Glitter was a joke 40 years ago!

rolliepoley

Deleted User wrote: »

Gary Glitter was a joke 40 years ago!

He still is.

Gary Glitter tried to kill himself by jumping in the sea before he left the far east - he was fished out by a fisherman who found him bobbing up and down on a buoy.

Busted Flat.

Deleted User wrote: »

Gary Glitter was a joke 40 years ago!

If people had been aware of the likes of him 40 years ago, life would have been a whole lot better for the kids who are now adults, If the likes of scumbags like him had of been caught at the time. BBC supported them in their activities. I am not derailing the thread, I am replying to a silly reply.

CarrickMcJoe

Busted Flat. wrote: »

Where are all the new jokes gone, be inventive, some of the jokes are ones I heard 40 years ago.

Clue in the thread title, Best joke you ever heard!

Comer1

Busted Flat. wrote: »

If people had been aware of the likes of him 40 years ago, life would have been a whole lot better for the kids who are now adults, If the likes of scumbags like him had of been caught at the time. BBC supported them in their activities. I am not derailing the thread, I am replying to a silly reply.

I don't get it

MadsL

Busted Flat. wrote: »

If people had been aware of the likes of him 40 years ago, life would have been a whole lot better for the kids who are now adults, If the likes of scumbags like him had of been caught at the time. BBC supported them in their activities. I am not derailing the thread, I am replying to a silly reply.

Buzz Killington? Is that you?

Ted_YNWA

Mariasofia wrote: »

I've found my sex life has become so much like Who wants to be a millionaire quizshow.
Me: do you want a ride??
Him: not tonight Im tired.
Me: final answer.
Him: ya.
Me: im going to phone a friend.

Are you going to go 50-50 on the options after that then ?

Micky Dolenz

Why to owls hoot at night ?

They are asleep in the day.

What do you get if you cross a rabbit with an insect?

Bugs bunny.

Hagar the Nice.

MadsL wrote: »

Buzz Killington? Is that you?

I reckon you are light years away from the real name.:D

Hagar the Nice.

When I came out of the shower I told my wife I felt 5 years younger so she asked me if I could jump back in the shower 3 or 4 times more.:(

Hagar the Nice.

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't Have a ladder.'
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid The flagpole down.
She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that It was 18 feet 6 inches.
Then, she walked off.
Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length.'