The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

rolliepoley

Deleted User wrote: »

Gary Glitter was a joke 40 years ago!

He still is.

Gary Glitter tried to kill himself by jumping in the sea before he left the far east - he was fished out by a fisherman who found him bobbing up and down on a buoy.

Busted Flat.

Deleted User wrote: »

Gary Glitter was a joke 40 years ago!

If people had been aware of the likes of him 40 years ago, life would have been a whole lot better for the kids who are now adults, If the likes of scumbags like him had of been caught at the time. BBC supported them in their activities. I am not derailing the thread, I am replying to a silly reply.

CarrickMcJoe

Busted Flat. wrote: »

Where are all the new jokes gone, be inventive, some of the jokes are ones I heard 40 years ago.

Clue in the thread title, Best joke you ever heard!

Comer1

Busted Flat. wrote: »

If people had been aware of the likes of him 40 years ago, life would have been a whole lot better for the kids who are now adults, If the likes of scumbags like him had of been caught at the time. BBC supported them in their activities. I am not derailing the thread, I am replying to a silly reply.

I don't get it

MadsL

Busted Flat. wrote: »

If people had been aware of the likes of him 40 years ago, life would have been a whole lot better for the kids who are now adults, If the likes of scumbags like him had of been caught at the time. BBC supported them in their activities. I am not derailing the thread, I am replying to a silly reply.

Buzz Killington? Is that you?

Ted_YNWA

Mariasofia wrote: »

I've found my sex life has become so much like Who wants to be a millionaire quizshow.
Me: do you want a ride??
Him: not tonight Im tired.
Me: final answer.
Him: ya.
Me: im going to phone a friend.

Are you going to go 50-50 on the options after that then ?

Micky Dolenz

Why to owls hoot at night ?

They are asleep in the day.

What do you get if you cross a rabbit with an insect?

Bugs bunny.

Hagar the Nice.

MadsL wrote: »

Buzz Killington? Is that you?

I reckon you are light years away from the real name.:D

Hagar the Nice.

When I came out of the shower I told my wife I felt 5 years younger so she asked me if I could jump back in the shower 3 or 4 times more.:(

Hagar the Nice.

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't Have a ladder.'
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid The flagpole down.
She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that It was 18 feet 6 inches.
Then, she walked off.
Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length.'

Hagar the Nice.

Three guys die and go to heaven. St. Peter says "Listen - we're having a really busy time, so we need to manage admissions tightly. Right now we can only admit people who have died in horrible fashions, and those who have died in a more mundane way will have to wait in limbo, and it could take a decade or two to work you in."

So St. Peter takes aside the first man, and asks him how he died.

"Well, I'd been suspicious of my wife having an affair for some time now, so today I came home from work early. I just knew the guy was in my apartment, but I couldn't find him. I looked everywhere and was just about to give up, when I went out on the balcony of my 23rd story apartment and there he was hanging over the edge! He was just barely hanging on, there was no way he could climb back onto the balcony. It was a really stupid place to try to hide. I was livid, so I started punching him and clawing at his fingers, but he held on. Finally I went to get a hammer and started pounding on his fingers, and he fell down. But what really angered me was that he landed in some bushes and fell to the ground dazed. I was so mad I grabbed the fridge, threw it off the balcony and it landed on him. Unfortunately I was so riled up by the incident I had a heart attack and died."

St. Peter was taken aback, and said "While you did die in a dramatic fashion, I think we need to look at that whole second degree murder before we let you in - off to limbo with you." He then approached the second man and asked him how he had died.

"I was riding my exercise bike on the balcony of my 24th story apartment, when the thing broke and threw me over the railing! I grabbed furiously at the railing and slipped, but managed to catch on the balcony below mine. I tried to climb up but it just wasn't possible. I thought I was going to fall but then someone came out on the balcony. I thought he would help me, until the ****ing lunatic started hitting me! I held on as best I could, but when he got a hammer and started hitting me I finally couldn't hold on anymore and fell. Somehow, though, I fell in some bushes and fell to the ground dazed. Just as I'm coming around, I look up and this ****ing fridge is hurtling towards me and lands on me. So here I am."

St. Peter immediately admitted this second man to heaven, and pulled aside the third man and asked him for his story.

"Picture this, St Peter, I'm naked, in a fridge..."

rolliepoley

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
Of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
Feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
About, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
Been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he
Poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
Bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged
Himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
That her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
Execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to
Go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
Husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU
EVER STOP?!'

blinkwink

A recent widow decides to search for a new husband and puts an advert in the newspaper.The requirements are:

1. He can't beat her up
2. He can't run away
3. He has to be great in bed.

The next day the doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a small man with no arms and no legs.

'Yes?' she says.

'Im here about newspaper advert' he replies. 'I have no arms, so I can't beat you. I have no legs si I can't run away.

'But what makes you think you're great in bed' the widow says.

The man smiled and replied: 'How do you think I rng the doorbell?'

Busted Flat.

Three Irish lads go to Amsterdam on the pi$$. They are on their first night out when they see a sign, sex and beer €200, too dear said one, so they walk on, came too the next one, sex and beer €100, no said the other one we can do better than that, along they go and came to this dingey alley, big sign sex and beer €5, get up ya boya we found the right spot, they go to the door, the landlady says to them, lads I have no clitoris, they replied, sure Hinegan will do.

If this was posted before, sorry.

Busted Flat.

Three Irish lads go to Amsterdam on the pi$$. They are on their first night out when they see a sign, sex and beer €200, too dear said one, so they walk on, came too the next one, sex and beer €100, no said the other one we can do better than that, along they go and came to this dingey alley, big sign sex and beer €5, get up ya boya we found the right spot, they go to the door, the landlady says to them, lads I have no clitoris, they replied, sure Hinegan will do.

If this was posted before, sorry.

Comer1

Busted Flat. wrote: »

If this was posted before, sorry.

After a double post, now that was funny, not so sure about the joke though.

Capt'n Midnight

I thought opening a door for a lady was the polite thing to do, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane.

I often find that using the quick reply box results in a double posting.

I often find that using the quick reply box results in a double posting.

Curly Judge

Yorkshire folk

Those of you not from Yorkshire , you may need to think about their accent to get these ...


Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist,
"Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies, "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?

---

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.
Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "E by gum"

---

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us"

---

A Yorkshire man's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet, he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to
Remember the dog by.
Yorkshire man: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshire man: "No, yer daft bugger, I want it chewin' a bone!"

wadacrack

How do you make a swiss roll...push em off the alps !!

Anyone

My New Years Resolution was to lose 2 stone by the end of the summer. Only 3 stone to go!

DoctaDee

Turns out I have an inferiority complex ... but it's not a very good one

Anyone

After all this time Andy Murray has done it!

He's proved a Scottish man in shorts can stand in the sun for 4 hours without getting sunburned

padma

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.

He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
...
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.

She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.

He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.

Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

--Kaiser--

Someone recently accused me of plagiarism...their words, not mine

--Kaiser--

I'm not passive-aggressive....unlike SOME people i could mention

rolliepoley

Two vampires walk into a bar and sit down at the counter. The first orders a pint of blood, the second orders a mug of hot water. The first looks at the second and says "Hey man, what's wrong? You going soft on me?" The second takes out a used tampon and says "No, I'm having tea."

Hagar the Nice.

Rolli, I'm eating my dinnerrrrrrrrrrr !!!
Yuck a duck,I feel a huge beef burger on its way.:(

Hagar the Nice.

I said to my girlfriend I'd buy her a diamond ring for her 21st birthday and she told me that nothing would please her more,so i got her nothing.