The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

coolhull

Martonio wrote: »

Q) What do you call a man with epilepsy in a bush?


A) Russell

That joke was so good you told it twice?

wrmwit

What have a Christmas tree and a priest got in common?

Their balls are for decoration!

CastingCouch

Apparantly for every euro a man makes, a woman makes 70 cent.

That's not fair, why is the man left with 30?

stefan idiot jones

What's the difference between a Priest and acne ?

At least acne waits until you're thirteen before it comes on your face.

richieffff

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her da cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old ma through?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mam this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for €5 million."

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

rolliepoley

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"

Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"

Joey says, "To your house!"

Martonio

Q) What do you do if your wife is having a seizure in the bath tub?

A) Throw in your dirty washing and a box of daz.

Micky Dolenz

Why do birds fly south for the winter?

It's too far to walk.

Capt'n Midnight

Martonio wrote: »

Q) What do you do if your wife is having a seizure in the bath tub?

A) Throw in your dirty washing and a box of daz.

I'M REPORTING THIS POST :mad:

My uncle died that way.




















































he choked on a sock

Capt'n Midnight

I heard a sneak preview of Bono's solo album.

It's got a similar sound to the stuff he's done with U2, only less edgy.





My French flat mate keeps trying to make me have a bowl of mushrooms every morning for breakfast. He says it's 'the breakfast of champignons'.




I've invited a girl out for dinner tonight and she said we should go Dutch.

I said, "What, you want me to go out now to buy a pair of clogs and some tulips."

She replied, "No, I want you to take me to Amsterdam."






Nothing says, "We're on the brink of going bust," quite like putting a voucher on Groupon

Busted Flat.

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

I'M REPORTING THIS POST :mad:

My uncle died that way.




















































he choked on a sock

Was it the non bio that choked him.

Wattle

Why is Ireland's weather Islamic?


Because it's sometimes Sunni but mostly Shi'ite.

rolliepoley

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

rolliepoley

A Roadway driver is driving east on Route 66 he sees a truck driving west and the CB crackles to life. "Hey Roadway driver who the two biggest poofs in America are? " comes from the CB.
The Roadway driver replies. "I don't know ".
The other trucker says " You and your brother ".
Well the Roadway driver gets all annoyed but the other driver tells him "Its just a joke - tell it to the next truck you see. "
Well the Roadway driver drives for about an hour an finally sees another truck. He gets on the CB and says " Hey other truck do you know who the two biggest poofs in the world are? "
The other trucker says " I don't know who? "
The roadway driver replies " Me and my brother "

el diablo

Not a well know fact but 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

el diablo

What would you call Postman Pat after he retires?




Pat.




What did the head of the buffalo clan say when his male offspring was leaving?




Bison.

Gloomtastic!

el diablo wrote: »

Not a well know fact but 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

That's bad, real bad!

J Cheever Loophole

Was worried about my health, so I went for a check up to the doctors.

He said, "I'm afraid you have hypochondria."

"Not that as well." I said.

Hagar the Nice.

In Tesco earlier with the gf and right out out of the blue she says 'you're one lazy bastard'...well I nearly fell out of the ****in trolley.

CastingCouch

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

That's bad, real bad!

Ah it's a joke.

Wouldn't it be worse if he was partaking in gang rape?!

Lelantos

CastingCouch wrote: »

Ah it's a joke.

Wouldn't it be worse if he was partaking in gang rape?!

Only if he was the rapee!

Capt'n Midnight

A 'Star Trek' fan was assassinated down by the River Lee.

He was capped in Cork.

el diablo

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

That's bad, real bad!

Looks like you're one of the few that "got it". :cool:

rolliepoley

I see jennings funeral homes are branching out into the hair salon business, their new adventure will be called Curlup & dye.

MrSphincter

A London lawyer runs a stop sign in Dublin and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London , and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!! Irish Garda says,' License and registration, please.' London Lawyer says, 'What for?' Irish Garda replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign.' London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.' Irish Garda says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop.

License And registration, please.' London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?' Irish Garda says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.' Irish Garda says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.' The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the **** out of the lawyer with it and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

Lelantos

Ah I posted that a few weeks ago

rolliepoley

Three women sitting in a bar having a drink. Their boyfriends are all named Georgie. One day they decide to name their boyfriends after softdrinks to tell the difference between them.

The first one says "I'll name mine 7-up because he's seven inches and always up."

The second one says "I'll name mine MOUNTAIN DEW because he likes to mount and do me."

And the third one says "I'll name mine Jack Daniels." The others say "Hey! That's not a softdrink that's a hard licker!". She says "That's My Georgie!!"

rolliepoley

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tutti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.

A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.

The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tutti Homini, et Tutti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope.
They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people.

The Pope said, "Sure".

The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tutti Homini, et Tutti Femini, et Tutti Fruiti."

Busted Flat.

MrSphincter wrote: »

A London lawyer runs a stop sign in Dublin and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London , and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!! Irish Garda says,' License and registration, please.' London Lawyer says, 'What for?' Irish Garda replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign.' London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.' Irish Garda says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop.

License And registration, please.' London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?' Irish Garda says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.' Irish Garda says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.' The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the **** out of the lawyer with it and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

He would have gone to the old school of the Heavy Gang, how much did those clowns cost the country in compensation. I do not wish to put a damper on the thread, or derail the same.

Hagar the Nice.

DODGY EMAIL WARNING! Do not under any circumstances open any email you receive which says "two free tickets to see Glasgow Rangers". It contains two free tickets to see Glasgow Rangers. Please, help others and pass this message on!