The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Mr Tibbs

A bloke goes on a holiday to France and books into a cheap hotel as he is trying to economise. He goes up to his room and his eyes pop out of his head when he sees how lavish the room is. He goes into the bedroom to leave down the suitcase and recieves a bigger surprise as there on a four poster bed is a beautiful naked blonde waiting for him. Well all reason goes out the window as he jumps into bed and for the whole week of his holiday's he screws the blonde in every position possible. Week over he goes down to reception to pay his bill thinking he owes a fortune and the receptionist says no need for money here and hands him an envelope. He doesn't ask why and outside the door he opens the envelope to find three thousand euro inside. These French are crazy people he thinks and heads home very contented.
Back home in the pub he tells his friend all about his brilliant holiday that he was paid for, so sure enough his buddy heads over to the same place to see if this is true. Sure enough he is delighted with the room and in the bedroom there is the beautiful blonde ready willing and able. Well he screws her for the week goes down to reception to fix up and recieves the same answer and is handed the envelope. Outside the door he opens the envelope to find only a thousand euro, so cheekily he goes back in to complain. He tells the receptionist that his friend got three thousand and for the same deal he only got one. Well says the receptionist your friend will be on cable television and you are only on dirty postcards.

Tom Hanks

What's the definition of mixed emotions?



When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

rolliepoley

- Your name, Sir.
- Bakshish Abdul
- Sex?
- Seven to eleven times a week.
- No, no... I mean male or female?
- No difference, male, female, sometimes camel
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow too, but also sheep, all kinds of animals.
- But isn't that hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, free style, any style - you name it!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer run too fast...

major bill

A Roman walks into a Bar, sticks two fingers up to the Barman and says ''Il have 5 beers please''

padma

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

... "My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

Vito Corleone

I quit my job in the helium balloon factory, I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

rolliepoley

A group of chess enthusiasts were kicked out of a hotel reception for discussing their winning games. The manager can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

rolliepoley

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

rolliepoley

A very well-known international furniture and interior decoration D.I.Y. Store recently set up a customer assistance department. The first call they got was from a lady who had purchased a wardrobe early in the morning. She explained that after assembly the wardrobe had crumbled three times when the public transport bus passed in front of her house. The store sent a technician over to her place. He reassembled the wardrobe - which was in the night hall on the second floor - and then went into it to observe what would happen when the bus, which was due a few minutes later, went by. The phone rang just then and the lady went downstairs to take the call. Just then her husband came home from work with a terrible flue condition. Hearing his wife on the phone he trudged upstairs where he found the wardrobe; on opening one of the doors and seeing the man inside he exclaimed "What the dickens are you doing in there!?!" To which the guy replied "I know you'll never believe this, but I'm waiting for the bus!!"

rolliepoley

General Amalgamated Industries, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here."
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Curly Judge

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1 : 00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,...........'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight......let's pretend that we're married'

'Wow!......................That's a great idea!' he exclaimed..

'Good,' she replied................. 'Get your own f...ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ........................he farted.

The end!

Hagar the Nice.

'But, but... what does that mean?', I asked the doctor when he told me that I would become impotent.

'Well', he said, 'It's something like playing snooker with a rope...'

Hagar the Nice.

'But, but... what does that mean?', I asked the doctor when he told me that I would become impotent.

'Well', he said, 'It's something like playing snooker with a rope...'

Hagar the Nice.

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

Hagar the Nice.

I grew up in a tough area. When I was a kid, people used to cover me in chocolate and cream, then put a cherry on my head.

Life was tough in the Gateau.

Hagar the Nice.

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cosy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there" and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches... just send the wine back…

Hagar the Nice.

Watching the news about the stricken cruise ship and the Sky presenter says "she's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court", I just happened to glance at the wife on the couch - and now it's all kicked off.

richieffff

A teacher asks her students to use the word "contagious".

Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.

"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

podge3

richieffff wrote: »

A teacher asks her students to use the word "contagious".

Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.

"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

Groundhog Day much?

http://www.boards.ie/search/submit/?thread=2056102387&query=contagious

rolliepoley

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby

“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.

“No,” said the minister. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”

“You’re both wrong,” the guru said. “The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.”

The repairman could contain himself no longer. “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted. “The best prayin’ I ever did was when I was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”

Capt'n Midnight

Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to be free
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore
This country always needs more Soylent Green

Sunhill

Man goes into a chemists'

"Do you sell deodorant?"
"Certainly, sir. Ball or Aerosol?"
"Neither. It's for under my arms."

rolliepoley

Father George was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it only one word: ‘Fool’.

The following Sunday, in church, Father George announced to the assembled congregation, ‘I have known many people who have written letters to me and forgotten to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter.’

stefan idiot jones

Two dyslexic guys up on s ski slope debating how to approach the slalom run.
One says to the other that you zig and zag down outside the poles.
The other replies that you zag and zig outside the poles.
They argued for a while longer when they spotted another man.
We'll ask that man there to see who is right.
They approached the man and asked him which one of them was correct.
The man replied that he didn't know as he was a tobboganist.
To which they replied 'can we have twenty rothmans and a box of matches please'?

richieffff

podge3 wrote: »

Groundhog Day much?

http://www.boards.ie/search/submit/?thread=2056102387&query=contagious

Damn, should have gone 3 months back in this thread to check

Hagar the Nice.

Tired of dieting every day,no worries from now on.
Take 1 Aero and crumble it,take 1 Weetabix and do likewise,you now have Aerobix,problem solved.

rolliepoley

Little Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th candy bar, a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give
you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.
"Little Tony replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Tony answered, "No, he minded his own ****ing business."

EoghanIRL

Taylor Swift waved at a boy yesterday and he didn't wave back...
So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow.


Drake Bell: In honor of Kim and Kanye's baby 'North West' I will be naming my first son 'Taco'.

Martonio

Q) What do you call a man with epilepsy in a bush?


A) Russell

Martonio

Q) What do you call a man with epilepsy in a bush?


A) Russell