The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Two dwarfs go into a bar where they pick up two women & take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The 1st dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of “Here I come again! One, two, three, uh,” all night long.
In the morning, the 2nd dwarf asks the 1st “How did it go?”
The 1st mutters “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get an erection.”
The 2nd dwarf shook his head & says “You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get on the fookin bed"

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of
dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night
light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When
our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat
scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat
likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned
so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard
again.


Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be
empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out
momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes
later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing
horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.


"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I
had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried
to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so
she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her
fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better
not **** in the vegetable garden again."


The silence in the taxi was deafening.....

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Hagar the nice...
Related to Hagar the horrible????

:pac:

Last one for the nite.....honest..........OK OK don't all cheer at once.:(

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.

He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.

He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheesy Wotsits."

A giraffe walks into a bar and says, "The highballs are on me."

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating.. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies..

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says.

'I would have been released today.'

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the s--- out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for this is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's

What's the definition of trust?



























Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.

Martonio wrote: »

I have some terrible jokes!!

Q) What is red and invisible?

A) No tomatoes.


Q) How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?

A) Ten-tickles. X)

Admin !!!!!! Helpppppppppp.

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
took the husband aside, and said,
"I don't like the looks of your wife at all.”

"Me neither doc," said the husband.
"But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the milkman dead on the driveway.