The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

D_murph

gramar wrote: »

Apparently Pistorious has hit the bottle fairly hard recently because of the upcoming murder case and was seen in a few bars looking the worse for wear.

A couple of eye witnesses said he was legless.

He also said that the real reason for shooting his girlfriend was because it was very dark in the room at the time and he couldnt see 2 feet in front of him .

gramar

D_murph wrote: »

He also said that the real reason for shooting his girlfriend was because it was very dark in the room at the time and he couldnt see 2 feet in front of him .

If he got asked in the court case about how dark the room was and he answered that he couldn't see two feet in front of him it would bring the house down.

EoghanIRL

A driver is pulled over by a Garda on the N3 from Dublin on his way home. The Garda approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Garda ?"

The Garda says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The Cavan man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The Garda is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The Garda says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The Garda says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the Garda is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Garda looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five Garda cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior Garda from the serious crimes squad slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior Garda says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem Garda ?"

"One of my men told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The Garda responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The Garda says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The Garda, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my Garda claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the Garda. The Garda opens the wallet and examines the license.
He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my Gardas told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

TheChevron

Is it wrong to ask someone with an eye patch "Was it all fun and games up to that point?"

gramar

The East German women were famous for underarm hair while raising their arms after another blistering victory in the Olympics.
One such athelete was very concerned when she developed hair on her chest. She went to her doctor and explained her embarassing
problem. "how far down does the hair go" said the doctor, to which she replied......"all the way down to me mickey"

jimgoose

gramar wrote: »

The East German women were famous for underarm hair while raising their arms after another blistering victory in the Olympics.
One such athelete was very concerned when she developed hair on her chest. She went to her doctor and explained her embarassing
problem. "how far down does the hair go" said the doctor, to which she replied......"all the way down to me mickey"

You think they have problems. What about the East German ballet dancers??

Banjo String

A woman is standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off. A passing tramp stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself, if you don't mind, could we have sex please?" The woman says, "No, fcuk off." The tramp turns to leave and replies, "Fine, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."

Curly Judge

Not really a joke but hilarious nonetheless!





This, apparently is an actual letter received by the UK
Passport
Office.


Dear Sirs,

I'm
in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot
believe How is
it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number
and knows
that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988,

and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was
bloody
born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you
guys do this by hand?

* My birth date you have on my
pension book.

* It's on all the income tax forms I've
filed for the past 30
years.

* It is on my National
Health card.

* My driving license.

* My
car insurance.

* On the last eight damn passports I've
had.

* It's on all those stupid customs declaration
forms I've had
to fill out
before being allowed off the
plane over the last 30 years.

* All those insufferable
census forms.

* Would somebody please take note, once
and for all, that my
mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is
Robert and I'd be
abso-****ing-lutely astounded if that WOULD ever
change between now and
when I die!!!!!!

I apologise, I'm
really pissed off this morning. Between you
an' me,
I've
had enough of this bull****!
You send the application to my
house, then you ask me for my
****ing address!!!!

What is
going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes
workin' there?

Look at my damn picture.

Do I look like Bin
Laden?

I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for ****
sakes. I just
want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach
somewhere.
And would someone please tell me, why would you
give a ****
whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?


If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken
or a
goat, believe you me, you'd be the last ****ing people I'd want to
tell!

Well, I have to go now,
'cause I have to
go to the other end of the poxy city to get
another ****ing copy of my
birth certificate,
to the tune of 30 quid.


Would it be so complicated
to have all the services in the
same spot to assist in the
issuance of a new passport the same day??


Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make
sense.
You'd rather have us running all over the ****in'
place like
chickens with our heads cut off,
then WE have to
find some arsehole to confirm that it's really
me on the damn picture -
you know,
the one where we're not allowed to smile?!
(bureaucratic
****in' morons)

Hey, do you know why we
couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because
we're totally pissed off!


Signed

An Irate Citizen.

P.S.
Remember what I said above about the picture and getting
someone to
confirm that it's me?
Well, my family has been in this
country since 1776
.............
I have served in the
military for something over 30 years
and have had full
security clearances over 25 of those years
enabling me to
undertake highly secretive missions all over the
world.

........ However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify
who I am

- you know, someone like my doctor -

WHO WAS
BORN AND RAISED IN ****ING PAKISTAN !Sincerely,

Version: 2013.0.3343 / Virus Database: 3199/6391 - Release Date: 06/07/13

rolliepoley

A young man of upper class took a walk in Soho on a very windy day.
As he passed a young woman, the wind caught her skirt and lifted it above
her head.
The young man: Oh, it's airy, isn't it?
The young woman: Yeah, what the 'ell did you expect? Feathers?

Czarcasm

Y'know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there?


Yeah... that's why I'm not a gynaecologist any more.

rolliepoley

How can you tell an Italian with kidney trouble?
He's the one with the rusty zipper and yellow tennis shoes.

rolliepoley

Czarcasm wrote: »

Y'know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there?


Yeah... that's why I'm not a gynaecologist any more.

Said Dr Poke'em.

Czarcasm

rolliepoley wrote: »

Said Dr Poke'em.

"Gotta snatch 'em all!"


Oh wait, that's Pokemon!

My bad :pac:

mfceiling

Do you know that look women get in their eyes when they really fancy you, and want you to have mad, passionate sex with them right away?













Neither do I...

Nodster

did you hear about the gynaecologist who took up DIY?

he papered his hall stairs and landing through his letterbox

rolliepoley

A little boy walks into his parents’ room to see his mother on top of his father bouncing up and down. The mother sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She quickly dresses and goes to find him and, when the son sees his mother and asks, “What were you and Dad doing?”

The mother replies “Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it.”

“You’re wasting your time,” said the boy.

“Why is that?” asked his Mother, puzzled.

“Well, each time you go out shopping, the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up again!”

rolliepoley

There was a little boy about twelve years old who was walking along the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. Eventually, he came upon the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the boy and asked what he wanted. He said, “I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I’m not leaving until I get it.”

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once inside, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, “Do any of the girls have any diseases?”

Of course the Madam replied “No”. He said, “I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT’S the girl I want.”

Since the boy was so adamant that he had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. So, he headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam and left. The Madam stopped him and asked, “Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?”

He said, “Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner and leave me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When my parents get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he’ll jump the baby-sitter’s bones and he’ll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter’s place, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE’S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!”

rolliepoley

A huge and very muscular with a tiny head walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, “You know, I’m not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?”

The big guy nods slowly. He’s obviously fielded this question many times and begins to tell the story of how, one day he was hunting when I got lost in the woods when he heard someone crying for help.

“I soon realised that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream, so I picked up the frog and, to my surprise, it asked me to kiss it, saying that it would turn into a genie and grant me three wishes.So I looked around to make sure I was alone and I gave the frog a kiss. And POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman who offered me three wishes. So, I looked down at my scrawny body and said, ‘I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.‘

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! There I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, ‘What will be your second wish?‘

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ‘I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.‘ She nodded, laid down and beckoned me to join her and we made love for hours!

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ‘You know that you still have one more wish. What will it be?‘

I looked at her and replied, ‘How about a little head?‘.”

johnplayer

A recent survey confirmed that 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy .

rolliepoley

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one guy says to the other, “You know, whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn off the headlights before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, I take my shoes off before I enter the house, sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed veeeeery slowly… and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, toss my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s ass and say, ‘How about a blow job?’ ….and she’s always sound asleep.”

rolliepoley

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports coupé when she was pulled over by a woman police officer, also blonde.

When the cop reached the side of the vehicle, she asked to see the blonde driver’s license. After a little while digging through her purse, the driver was getting progressively more agitated. “What does it look like?” she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. “Here it is.”

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “OK, you can go now. I didn’t realize you were a cop!”

stefan idiot jones

A little girl bursts into her parents room and sees her Daddy giving her Mother a good seeing to.

Later the little girl asks why he was doing that ?To which the Father replied 'because Mummy wants a baby'.

A few weeks later the little girl again bursts into their room snd catches sight of Mummy sucking Daddy off.

The little girl asks her father why Mummy was doing that? To which the Father replied 'because Mummy wants a BMW'.

tayto lover

Last week while shopping in Dunnes Stores my wife told me I was the laziest man under the sun.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out of the shopping trolley.

trashcan

Guy goes for an interview and is asked "What are your weaknesses?"
"Honesty" He replies.
"I don't think honesty is a weakness" says the interviewer.
"well, I don't give a f**k what you think"

Capt'n Midnight

I've written a play about the French army.

It could run forever.

Busted Flat.

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

I've written a play about the French army.

It could run forever.

#

Sad comment, at least they can afford to support their army.

Wossack

ooo, a bite!

how do you spot a french soldier?
sunburned armpits

how many gears does a french tank have?
4 reverse, and 1 forward (in case the enemy attacks from the rear)

corktina

Wossack wrote: »

ooo, a bite!

how do you spot a french soldier?
sunburned armpits

how many gears does a french tank have?
4 reverse, and 1 forward (in case the enemy attacks from the rear)

aren't those Italian jokes?

Wossack

italian jokes are french jokes in italy

n1ck

What happened when the black man looked up his family tree?

A monkey shat on him

mod:
banned.