The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Martonio

What is blue and white and flying?

A fridge wearing a denim jacket.

Mr Tibbs

I was hiking over the mountains the other day when I came upon this beautiful girl sunbathing nude right by the edge of a cliff. I didn't know whether to jump on her or toss myself off.

bonzodog2

Martonio wrote: »

What is blue and white and flying?

A fridge wearing a denim jacket.

If this is one of the best you've heard, the others must be really bad. :rolleyes:

An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden.
That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

rolliepoley

A giraffe walks into a bar and says, "The highballs are on me."

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ' working girls ' and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure.



The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.



His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH! " " Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!" This goes on for the whole hour.



Later back at the bar, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go? "



The first mutters, "It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection. "



The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?
I couldn't get on the bed !!!

rolliepoley

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating.. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies..

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says.

'I would have been released today.'

rolliepoley

An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf.

So he puts his name down at the local club.

After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down. So he goes down to the club to enquire why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scot: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.

Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.

Scot: Aye, so do I.

Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?

Scot: Aye, neither do I.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So you are circumcised?

Scot: Aye, I be that too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel
comfortable with that.

Scot: Ach, away with ya man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of
Columbus.

But this is the first time I heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club!!!!

Comer1

Deleted User wrote: »

The first mutters, "It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection. "

What's really embarrassing is the the same joke is on the previous page :pac::D

Dr.MickKiller

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

Whaddya a call a girl with only one leg?
Eileen

What do you call a girl with no legs?

Noeleen.

rolliepoley

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the s--- out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for this is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's

Martonio

I have some terrible jokes!!

Q) What is red and invisible?

A) No tomatoes.


Q) How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?

A) Ten-tickles. X)

rolliepoley

What's the definition of trust?



























Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.

Hagar the Nice.

Deleted User wrote: »

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ' working girls ' and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure.



The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.



His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH! " " Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!" This goes on for the whole hour.



Later back at the bar, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go? "



The first mutters, "It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection. "



The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?
I couldn't get on the bed !!!

I posted that joke at 11.28 pm last nite.

Hagar the Nice.

Martonio wrote: »

I have some terrible jokes!!

Q) What is red and invisible?

A) No tomatoes.


Q) How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?

A) Ten-tickles. X)

Admin !!!!!! Helpppppppppp.

Hagar the Nice.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt...

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.

Hagar the Nice.

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
took the husband aside, and said,
"I don't like the looks of your wife at all.”

"Me neither doc," said the husband.
"But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.

rolliepoley

Quasimodo, the demented bell ringer of Notre Dame, put an ad in the papers for a assistant bell ringer. One man applied for the job but he had no arms.
"How are you going to assist me?" asked Quasimodo.
"That's easy!" replied the man and he ran at the bell and banged it with his head.
BONG!!!
"That's amazing!" said Quasimodo. "Could you show me that again?"
"Sure!" said the man and he ran at the bell again but he missed the swinging bell and fell out of the bell tower. A crowd huddled around the hapless man lying in the street and a police office asked, "Does anyone know who he is?"
Quasimodo came out and said...
"I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HIS FACE SURE RINGS A BELL!"

Hagar the Nice.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the milkman dead on the driveway.

--Kaiser--

rolliepoley wrote: »

A giraffe walks into a bar and says, "The highballs are on me."

What's the difference between a giraffe and a tractor?
One has hydraulics, the other, high-bollix

Hagar the Nice.

rolliepoley wrote: »

Quasimodo, the demented bell ringer of Notre Dame, put an ad in the papers for a assistant bell ringer. One man applied for the job but he had no arms.
"How are you going to assist me?" asked Quasimodo.
"That's easy!" replied the man and he ran at the bell and banged it with his head.
BONG!!!
"That's amazing!" said Quasimodo. "Could you show me that again?"
"Sure!" said the man and he ran at the bell again but he missed the swinging bell and fell out of the bell tower. A crowd huddled around the hapless man lying in the street and a police office asked, "Does anyone know who he is?"
Quasimodo came out and said...
"I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HIS FACE SURE RINGS A BELL!"

That joke is so old I'm sure I posted it in the Beano or Dandy about 25 years ago.:)

rolliepoley

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

That joke is so old I'm sure I posted it in the Beano or Dandy about 25 years ago.:)

Good for you, a joke doesnt lose its taste because of its age :P

Hagar the Nice.

:mad: Rolliepoley 1 Hagar the Nice 0.

Czarcasm

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

:mad: Rolliepoley 1 Hagar the Nice 0.

Lads between the pair of ye I don't know where ye're getting the jokes, but they're fcuking classic!

Hagar the Nice.

Czarcasm wrote: »

Lads between the pair of ye I don't know where ye're getting the jokes, but they're fcuking classic!

Thanks mate,as a token of your appreciaton I'm sure Rolley and I wouldn't mind a wee cyber pint,I'm choking right now.

nootroc

rolliepoley wrote: »

Quasimodo, the demented bell ringer of Notre Dame, put an ad in the papers for a assistant bell ringer. One man applied for the job but he had no arms.
"How are you going to assist me?" asked Quasimodo.
"That's easy!" replied the man and he ran at the bell and banged it with his head.
BONG!!!
"That's amazing!" said Quasimodo. "Could you show me that again?"
"Sure!" said the man and he ran at the bell again but he missed the swinging bell and fell out of the bell tower. A crowd huddled around the hapless man lying in the street and a police office asked, "Does anyone know who he is?"
Quasimodo came out and said...
"I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HIS FACE SURE RINGS A BELL!"

The poor man died and his son got the job.

Not only that but the same thing happened the son and again Quasimodo was asked for the name of the unfortunate lad.
Quasimodo said 'I don't know his name but he's a dead ringer for his father'

Hagar the Nice.

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again." she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,and then took her off to the local theme park.
That a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear,the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster,
every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size!!!!!!!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

Hagar the Nice.

Two executives were deep in a Highland forest, on an adventure weekend arranged by their firm. Neither had any real map-reading skills and they became separated from the other members of their team. All they knew was that the final rendezvous point was a remote pub called, 'The Wee Stump Inn.'

They trudged through the woods for hours, hopelessly lost until they came to what looked like a fork in the forestry trail. They couldn't agree on which path to take. Eventually, they decided to take one path each. They shook hands and resolved that the last man back to the pub would pay for the drinks. Four hours later, the man that chose the correct fork was sitting at the pub fireside, enjoying his pint, when his friend staggered in. He was cut, bleeding, battered and bruised as if he had been mugged by a rugby team.

Once the men in the pub got the man settled, he explained, "I must have gone around in circles for hours, until I heard the sound of an idling car engine. I headed toward the sound and found a car in a clearing at the end of what looked like a 'lovers lane'. The car was all steamed up and I couldn't see who was inside, but I could hear more than one voice. So, I thought that I could ask for directions and I knocked on the driver's window. Now, the man in the car must have been a complete psychopath, because as soon as I asked him, "How far is the Wee Stump Inn?" he jumped out of the car and beat the **** out of me."

trashcan

I farted in the lift of a 20 storey building yesterday. It was wrong on so many levels....

Hagar the Nice.

At the Olympics a man went up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole."Are you a pole vaulter?"

"No, I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"