The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

allibastor · 20-06-2013 1:21pm

n1ck wrote: »

What happened when the black man looked up his family tree?
A monkey shat on him

thats going to get a banning for sure

tayto lover · 20-06-2013 7:19pm

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Gardai get here!''

Peregrine · 20-06-2013 7:22pm

n1ck wrote: »

What happened when the black man looked up his family tree?

My family tree is a cactus. Full of pricks

wexfordman2 · 20-06-2013 7:37pm

AckwelFoley wrote: »

A duck walks into a bar. And he says to the bartender "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "No, I don’t have any grapes." The duck walks out, sorely disappointed.

So the next day, he walks back into the bar, asks the same question, gets the same answer.

The day after, he walks back into the bar, and again, asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender, having still not figured out why this duck seems to think he may have some grapes, says to the duck, "No, and if you come back in here tomorrow and ask me if I have any grapes, I will nail your bill to the bar!"

The duck frowns, turns around, and walks out of the bar. So the next day, the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender "Got any nails?"

The bartender says, "No."

So the duck says, "Got any grapes?"

that joke got me laid soooo many times...

Great ice breaker

In song

http://m.youtube.com/index?&desktop_uri=%2F#/watch?v=WmH2J9-50Gc

rolliepoley · 20-06-2013 8:37pm

John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, "Once a year!" To John's dismay, he responds, "Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?". The grinning guy responds, "Tonight's the night!"

Eli Nich · 21-06-2013 8:05am

rolliepoley wrote: »

John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, "Once a year!" To John's dismay, he responds, "Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?". The grinning guy responds, "Tonight's the night!"

Should i laugh ?

Great share just kidding

rolliepoley · 21-06-2013 7:02pm

"What have you got if you have one green ball in one hand and another green ball in the other?"

"Complete control of the Incredible Hulk."

corktina · 21-06-2013 7:03pm

good one, i thought it was going to be either a massive grasshopper or an extremely anxious eco-warrior

Lelantos · 21-06-2013 7:23pm

corktina wrote: »

good one, i thought it was going to be either a massive grasshopper or an extremely anxious eco-warrior

I thought he had an std

Czarcasm · 21-06-2013 8:08pm

Lelantos wrote: »

I thought he had an std

Me and all, I thought it was going to be a severe case of "gone green" (gangrene)

*badum tish*

Juniorhurler · 21-06-2013 10:01pm

What's green and eats nuts?

Syphillis.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 21-06-2013 11:28pm

Juniorhurler wrote: »

What's green and eats nuts?

Syphillis.

The Incredible Hulk's gay twin brother.

FYP

donegal_man · 22-06-2013 12:23am

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, ‘Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean. It doesn’t matter to me! I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it’!

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, ‘No kidding. I’m a lawyer too. What firm are you with?’

Lelantos · 23-06-2013 7:23am

One from my school days.
What's the difference beween a rooster & Kerry Katona?
one says cock a doodle do,
the other says,
any old cock will do

WilyCoyote · 24-06-2013 4:03am

What's the difference between Bill Wyman and a greyhound?

A greyhound waits for the hare

Eli Nich · 24-06-2013 6:30am

Nice one Rolliepoley

24-06-2013 9:21pm

The Pervert
Phone rings, woman answers.

The pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching the football - who shall I say is calling?"

Dartz · 24-06-2013 9:35pm

E7 Billion will be enough. We only need 7 Billion.

keano_afc · 24-06-2013 9:55pm

Wossack wrote: »

ooo, a bite!

how do you spot a french soldier?
sunburned armpits

how many gears does a french tank have?
4 reverse, and 1 forward (in case the enemy attacks from the rear)

FOR SALE: French army rifle. Never used. Dropped once.

25-06-2013 7:28am

LORD, THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER .

Judy married Ted; they had 13 children. Ted died of cancer.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident,

Judy remarried again, and this time she & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel".

Wossack · 25-06-2013 10:57am

I was pretty shocked to see itv broadcasting the national sex offenders list on telly - and was about to call the regulator, when I noticed it was just the credits to Coronation Street

Galway K9 · 25-06-2013 11:49am

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.
"Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:

"Dammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!" Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.
Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself. "Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now...!"

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls..."