The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

WilyCoyote

Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench during a break. One turns to the other, "Slim, I'm 76 and am full of aches and pains. I know you're a similar age, How do you feel?" Slim replies, "I feel just like a new born babe." "Really? A new born babe?" "Yup", grins Slim. "No teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants."

Camrat

Late one night, a zebra decides to break out of the zoo to see what was out there. When the time was right he made his break and was running through the fields in no time. Running, jumping and running some more all night until the sun came up.

It was at this point, he noticed a strange looking black and white animal in the next field and having been born and bred in captivity never meeting another animal he went over to introduce himself...

How is it going i'm a zebra what are you?

I'm a cow,

No way cool, what do you do?

I eat grass and the farmer milk's us. Easy said the cow.

So the zebra said goodbye and runs onto the next field. See's another strange pink yoke and heads over to intro himself.

How is it going i'm a zebra what are you?

I'm a pig

No way cool, what do you do?

I eat load's and roll around in the muck all day.Easy said the pig.

So the zebra said goodbye and runs onto the next field. see this tall brown proud yoke full of muscles and heads over to intro himself.

How is it going i'm a zebra what are you?

I'm a stallion,

No way thats cool, what do you do?

Take them pyjamas off and i'll show you replied the stallion.....lmao

haveabanana

rolliepoley wrote: »

Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale clitoris licking
frog' She goes in and the shopkeeper say's 'Bonjour madame'.

An bhfuil cead agam dul go dtí an clitoris?

Lelantos

haveabanana wrote: »

An bhfuil cead agam dul go dtí an clitoris?

Kneel!

WilyCoyote

A Bear, a Lion and a Pig meet up. Bear says, "If I roar in the forest the entire forest is shivering with fear." Lion says, "If I roar in the jungle the entire jungle is afraid of me." Pig says, "If I cough the entire planet shits itself."

A man was sitting quietly reading the newspaper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine. "Ouch!! What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained."Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation." Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "Now what was that for?" She replied, "Your horse called."

rolliepoley

WilyCoyote wrote: »

Where the fuck did Robert Frost emerge from? Did Burns morph into my State poet? Have you been at the cooking Sherry, rolliepoley, or have you just rolled a big one?

:pac:

Good one Wily, i never copped it even though i read it a few times.

WilyCoyote

rolliepoley wrote: »

:pac:

Good one Wily, i never copped it even though i read it a few times.

No problem, rolliepoley. He lived on a farm in Derry - not far from here. Incidentally, it was also the place where the first potato was grown in the States - after a bag of seed potatoes was brought from Ireland. Now the humble spud is the State vegetable of New Hampshire.

"Although it was first settled by Scottish-Irish (also known as Ulster-Scots) families in 1719, Derry was not incorporated until 1827. It was for a long time part of Londonderry, which included Windham and portions of Manchester, Salem and Hudson. The town was named for the city of Derry, Northern Ireland, the Irish word "Doire" meaning "oak woods." The first potato planted in the United States was planted here in 1719. The town is the location of two of America's oldest private schools, Pinkerton Academy, founded in 1814 and still in operation, and the closed Adams Female Seminary." Wiki

rolliepoley

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.

rolliepoley

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

david75

rolliepoley wrote: »

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.

This jokes got legs.

haveabanana

Oscar Pistorius is guilty as anything, he hasn't got a leg to stand on.

keano_afc

The defence are set to reveal conclusive evidence found ouside the apartment that will clear Oscar Pistorious.

Footprints.

666irishguy

haveabanana wrote: »

Oscar Pistorius is guilty as anything, he hasn't got a leg to stand on.

To make a long story short, the neighbors said he was legless all evening, though he wasn't seen too shortly after the shooting. The investigation is stumbling with regards to a motive and the cops are truly stumped. He's reportedly distraught about the whole thing, but it's no good in saying 'just pull your socks up and carry on with it Oscar'. Regardless of his despair, when it goes to court he won't have a leg to stand on. Even if he does stand up for himself, his defense is quite a lame story in my opinion.

gramar

Apparently Pistorious has hit the bottle fairly hard recently because of the upcoming murder case and was seen in a few bars looking the worse for wear.

A couple of eye witnesses said he was legless.

rolliepoley

Jesus and Moses are out on a lake in a canoe. Fishing, as it were. When Moses turns to Jesus and says "Hey. Jesus... I bet you ain't got it like you used to. You know, the old stuff." Jesus says "Oh yeah, check this out." So he stands up and steps over the edge of the vessel with his one foot. He looks at Moses and winks. Jesus steps out with the other foot and *Bam*, he sinks like a stone. Moses is still laughing his ass off a few minutes later when Jesus emerges from the bottom of the lake. As he walks up onto the shore, Moses yells out "Hey Jesus!!! Ain't the same with those holes in your feet, is it?!"

rolliepoley

The kindegarten teacher is preparing the children for first grade. She tells them that from now on they must use "Big people words".
She asks John how he spent his weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana" he replies.
"No John. You went to visit your Grandmother, remember now, use big people words."
The teacher turns to Rosie and asks her what she did on the weekend.
"I went for a ride on a choo choo". Says Rosie.
"No Rosie. You rode on a Train. That's what a big person would say."
She then turns to Mitchell to ask him what he did.
"I read a book." He replies.
"Thats wonderful Mitchell, what book did you read ? "
Mitchell thinks for a moment, then puffing out his chest with pride, answers,
"Winnie the ****."

EoghanIRL

david75 wrote: »

This jokes got legs.

He should be a stand up comedian :P

tayto lover

EoghanIRL wrote: »

He should be a stand up comedian :P

Hasn't a leg to stand on.

josip

A psychology student at a local university was sent on a field assignment to evaluate three patients in a local mental hospital.

The first patient was locked in his room throwing tennis balls everywhere. The student asked why, and the patient answered "When I get out of here I am going to be a tennis pro."

The second patient was locked in his room throwing baseballs everywhere. When asked why he said "When I get out of here I am going to be a professional baseball player."

The student thought he was starting to get the hang of things, until he looked in on the third patient. There locked in the middle of the room was a naked man, masturbating with a peanut on the end of his penis. The student asked, "I understand about the others, tell us what you're doing?"

"I'm fcuking nuts and I'm never getting out of here!"

D_murph

gramar wrote: »

Apparently Pistorious has hit the bottle fairly hard recently because of the upcoming murder case and was seen in a few bars looking the worse for wear.

A couple of eye witnesses said he was legless.

He also said that the real reason for shooting his girlfriend was because it was very dark in the room at the time and he couldnt see 2 feet in front of him .

gramar

D_murph wrote: »

He also said that the real reason for shooting his girlfriend was because it was very dark in the room at the time and he couldnt see 2 feet in front of him .

If he got asked in the court case about how dark the room was and he answered that he couldn't see two feet in front of him it would bring the house down.

EoghanIRL

A driver is pulled over by a Garda on the N3 from Dublin on his way home. The Garda approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Garda ?"

The Garda says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The Cavan man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The Garda is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The Garda says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The Garda says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the Garda is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Garda looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five Garda cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior Garda from the serious crimes squad slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior Garda says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem Garda ?"

"One of my men told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The Garda responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The Garda says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The Garda, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my Garda claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the Garda. The Garda opens the wallet and examines the license.
He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my Gardas told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

TheChevron

Is it wrong to ask someone with an eye patch "Was it all fun and games up to that point?"

gramar

The East German women were famous for underarm hair while raising their arms after another blistering victory in the Olympics.
One such athelete was very concerned when she developed hair on her chest. She went to her doctor and explained her embarassing
problem. "how far down does the hair go" said the doctor, to which she replied......"all the way down to me mickey"

jimgoose

gramar wrote: »

The East German women were famous for underarm hair while raising their arms after another blistering victory in the Olympics.
One such athelete was very concerned when she developed hair on her chest. She went to her doctor and explained her embarassing
problem. "how far down does the hair go" said the doctor, to which she replied......"all the way down to me mickey"

You think they have problems. What about the East German ballet dancers??

Banjo String

A woman is standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off. A passing tramp stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself, if you don't mind, could we have sex please?" The woman says, "No, fcuk off." The tramp turns to leave and replies, "Fine, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."

Curly Judge

Not really a joke but hilarious nonetheless!





This, apparently is an actual letter received by the UK
Passport
Office.


Dear Sirs,

I'm
in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot
believe How is
it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number
and knows
that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988,

and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was
bloody
born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you
guys do this by hand?

* My birth date you have on my
pension book.

* It's on all the income tax forms I've
filed for the past 30
years.

* It is on my National
Health card.

* My driving license.

* My
car insurance.

* On the last eight damn passports I've
had.

* It's on all those stupid customs declaration
forms I've had
to fill out
before being allowed off the
plane over the last 30 years.

* All those insufferable
census forms.

* Would somebody please take note, once
and for all, that my
mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is
Robert and I'd be
abso-****ing-lutely astounded if that WOULD ever
change between now and
when I die!!!!!!

I apologise, I'm
really pissed off this morning. Between you
an' me,
I've
had enough of this bull****!
You send the application to my
house, then you ask me for my
****ing address!!!!

What is
going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes
workin' there?

Look at my damn picture.

Do I look like Bin
Laden?

I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for ****
sakes. I just
want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach
somewhere.
And would someone please tell me, why would you
give a ****
whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?


If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken
or a
goat, believe you me, you'd be the last ****ing people I'd want to
tell!

Well, I have to go now,
'cause I have to
go to the other end of the poxy city to get
another ****ing copy of my
birth certificate,
to the tune of 30 quid.


Would it be so complicated
to have all the services in the
same spot to assist in the
issuance of a new passport the same day??


Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make
sense.
You'd rather have us running all over the ****in'
place like
chickens with our heads cut off,
then WE have to
find some arsehole to confirm that it's really
me on the damn picture -
you know,
the one where we're not allowed to smile?!
(bureaucratic
****in' morons)

Hey, do you know why we
couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because
we're totally pissed off!


Signed

An Irate Citizen.

P.S.
Remember what I said above about the picture and getting
someone to
confirm that it's me?
Well, my family has been in this
country since 1776
.............
I have served in the
military for something over 30 years
and have had full
security clearances over 25 of those years
enabling me to
undertake highly secretive missions all over the
world.

........ However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify
who I am

- you know, someone like my doctor -

WHO WAS
BORN AND RAISED IN ****ING PAKISTAN !Sincerely,

Version: 2013.0.3343 / Virus Database: 3199/6391 - Release Date: 06/07/13

rolliepoley

A young man of upper class took a walk in Soho on a very windy day.
As he passed a young woman, the wind caught her skirt and lifted it above
her head.
The young man: Oh, it's airy, isn't it?
The young woman: Yeah, what the 'ell did you expect? Feathers?

Czarcasm

Y'know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there?


Yeah... that's why I'm not a gynaecologist any more.