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The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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Comments

  • #4022
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,871 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    How can you tell an Italian with kidney trouble?
    He's the one with the rusty zipper and yellow tennis shoes.


  • #4023
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,871 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    Czarcasm wrote: »
    Y'know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there?


    Yeah... that's why I'm not a gynaecologist any more.
    Said Dr Poke'em.


  • #4024
    Czarcasm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,076 ✭✭✭✭Czarcasm


    rolliepoley wrote: »
    Said Dr Poke'em.


    "Gotta snatch 'em all!"


    Oh wait, that's Pokemon!

    My bad :o :pac:


  • #4025
    mfceiling
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,992 ✭✭✭✭mfceiling


    Do you know that look women get in their eyes when they really fancy you, and want you to have mad, passionate sex with them right away?













    Neither do I...


  • #4026
    Nodster
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 954 ✭✭✭Nodster


    did you hear about the gynaecologist who took up DIY?

    he papered his hall stairs and landing through his letterbox


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  • #4027
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,871 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    A little boy walks into his parents’ room to see his mother on top of his father bouncing up and down. The mother sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She quickly dresses and goes to find him and, when the son sees his mother and asks, “What were you and Dad doing?”

    The mother replies “Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it.”

    “You’re wasting your time,” said the boy.

    “Why is that?” asked his Mother, puzzled.

    “Well, each time you go out shopping, the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up again!”


  • #4028
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,871 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    There was a little boy about twelve years old who was walking along the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. Eventually, he came upon the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the boy and asked what he wanted. He said, “I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I’m not leaving until I get it.”

    The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once inside, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, “Do any of the girls have any diseases?”

    Of course the Madam replied “No”. He said, “I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT’S the girl I want.”

    Since the boy was so adamant that he had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. So, he headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

    Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam and left. The Madam stopped him and asked, “Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?”

    He said, “Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner and leave me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When my parents get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he’ll jump the baby-sitter’s bones and he’ll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter’s place, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE’S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!”


  • #4029
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,871 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    A huge and very muscular with a tiny head walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, “You know, I’m not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?”

    The big guy nods slowly. He’s obviously fielded this question many times and begins to tell the story of how, one day he was hunting when I got lost in the woods when he heard someone crying for help.

    “I soon realised that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream, so I picked up the frog and, to my surprise, it asked me to kiss it, saying that it would turn into a genie and grant me three wishes.So I looked around to make sure I was alone and I gave the frog a kiss. And POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman who offered me three wishes. So, I looked down at my scrawny body and said, ‘I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.‘

    She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! There I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, ‘What will be your second wish?‘

    I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ‘I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.‘ She nodded, laid down and beckoned me to join her and we made love for hours!

    Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ‘You know that you still have one more wish. What will it be?‘

    I looked at her and replied, ‘How about a little head?‘.”


  • #4030
    johnplayer
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 182 ✭✭johnplayer


    A recent survey confirmed that 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy .


  • #4031
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,871 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one guy says to the other, “You know, whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn off the headlights before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, I take my shoes off before I enter the house, sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed veeeeery slowly… and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

    His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, toss my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s ass and say, ‘How about a blow job?’ ….and she’s always sound asleep.”


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  • #4032
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,871 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports coupé when she was pulled over by a woman police officer, also blonde.

    When the cop reached the side of the vehicle, she asked to see the blonde driver’s license. After a little while digging through her purse, the driver was getting progressively more agitated. “What does it look like?” she finally asked.

    The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”

    The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. “Here it is.”

    The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “OK, you can go now. I didn’t realize you were a cop!”


  • #4033
    stefan idiot jones
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,518 ✭✭✭stefan idiot jones


    A little girl bursts into her parents room and sees her Daddy giving her Mother a good seeing to.

    Later the little girl asks why he was doing that ?To which the Father replied 'because Mummy wants a baby'.

    A few weeks later the little girl again bursts into their room snd catches sight of Mummy sucking Daddy off.

    The little girl asks her father why Mummy was doing that? To which the Father replied 'because Mummy wants a BMW'.


  • #4034
    tayto lover
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 54,152 ✭✭✭✭tayto lover


    Last week while shopping in Dunnes Stores my wife told me I was the laziest man under the sun.
    I was so shocked I nearly fell out of the shopping trolley.


  • #4035
    trashcan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,332 ✭✭✭trashcan


    Guy goes for an interview and is asked "What are your weaknesses?"
    "Honesty" He replies.
    "I don't think honesty is a weakness" says the interviewer.
    "well, I don't give a f**k what you think"


  • #4036
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 94,868 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I've written a play about the French army.

    It could run forever.


  • #4037
    Busted Flat.
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,003 ✭✭✭Busted Flat.


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    I've written a play about the French army.

    It could run forever.
    #

    Sad comment, at least they can afford to support their army.


  • #4038
    Wossack
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,921 ✭✭✭Wossack


    ooo, a bite!

    how do you spot a french soldier?
    sunburned armpits

    how many gears does a french tank have?
    4 reverse, and 1 forward (in case the enemy attacks from the rear)


  • #4039
    corktina
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,733 ✭✭✭✭corktina


    Wossack wrote: »
    ooo, a bite!

    how do you spot a french soldier?
    sunburned armpits

    how many gears does a french tank have?
    4 reverse, and 1 forward (in case the enemy attacks from the rear)

    aren't those Italian jokes?


  • #4040
    Wossack
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,921 ✭✭✭Wossack


    italian jokes are french jokes in italy


  • #4041
    n1ck
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,084 ✭✭✭n1ck


    What happened when the black man looked up his family tree?
    A monkey shat on him

    mod:
    banned.


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  • #4042
    allibastor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,520 ✭✭✭allibastor


    n1ck wrote: »
    What happened when the black man looked up his family tree?
    A monkey shat on him

    thats going to get a banning for sure


  • #4043
    tayto lover
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 54,152 ✭✭✭✭tayto lover


    An English man and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Gardai get here!''


  • #4044
    Peregrine
    Moderators, Education Moderators Posts: 26,403 Mod ✭✭✭✭Peregrine


    n1ck wrote: »
    What happened when the black man looked up his family tree?

    My family tree is a cactus. Full of pricks


  • #4045
    wexfordman2
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,559 ✭✭✭wexfordman2


    AckwelFoley wrote: »
    A duck walks into a bar. And he says to the bartender "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "No, I don’t have any grapes." The duck walks out, sorely disappointed.

    So the next day, he walks back into the bar, asks the same question, gets the same answer.

    The day after, he walks back into the bar, and again, asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender, having still not figured out why this duck seems to think he may have some grapes, says to the duck, "No, and if you come back in here tomorrow and ask me if I have any grapes, I will nail your bill to the bar!"

    The duck frowns, turns around, and walks out of the bar. So the next day, the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender "Got any nails?"

    The bartender says, "No."

    So the duck says, "Got any grapes?"


    that joke got me laid soooo many times...

    Great ice breaker

    In song

    http://m.youtube.com/index?&desktop_uri=%2F#/watch?v=WmH2J9-50Gc


  • #4046
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,871 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, "Once a year!" To John's dismay, he responds, "Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?". The grinning guy responds, "Tonight's the night!"


  • #4047
    Eli Nich
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 106 ✭✭Eli Nich


    rolliepoley wrote: »
    John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, "Once a year!" To John's dismay, he responds, "Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?". The grinning guy responds, "Tonight's the night!"

    Should i laugh ?
    Great share just kidding :p


  • #4048
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,871 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    "What have you got if you have one green ball in one hand and another green ball in the other?"






















    "Complete control of the Incredible Hulk."


  • #4049
    corktina
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,733 ✭✭✭✭corktina


    good one, i thought it was going to be either a massive grasshopper or an extremely anxious eco-warrior


  • #4050
    Lelantos
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,612 ✭✭✭Lelantos


    corktina wrote: »
    good one, i thought it was going to be either a massive grasshopper or an extremely anxious eco-warrior

    I thought he had an std ;)


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  • #4051
    Czarcasm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,076 ✭✭✭✭Czarcasm


    Lelantos wrote: »
    I thought he had an std ;)


    Me and all, I thought it was going to be a severe case of "gone green" (gangrene)

    *badum tish* :D


This discussion has been closed.
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