The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Mariasofia

When I was younger I used to pray to God for a new bike. Then I realised that God doesn't work that way....




So I stole one and asked for forgiveness instead!

Mr Tibbs

A girl goes to the doctor and tells him that she has three fanny's, so the doctor tells her to remove her underwear and lie up on the couch. He gives her a thorough examination and goes over to his medical cabinet and comes back with a roll of duck tape telling her that he is going to tape up two of her fanny's. Will that cure me doc asks the girl. No says the doctor but it will stop you from being f*cked lelt right and centre.

Capt'n Midnight

It was the wife's birthday today, but the present I bought her only made her sad.

It was a hula hoop.

And it fits.

rolliepoley

There were two buddies one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."


The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."


The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.


The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."


The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."


The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"


He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."


The man at the door says, "Come on in."


The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.


Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."


The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."


The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"


The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua??? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"

Capt'n Midnight

What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians ?

A drummer.




How do you tell if the stage is level?

The drummer is drooling from both sides of his mouth.




How do you know when if there's a drummer at the door?

The knocking speeds up.




Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?

He had to break a window to get the drummer out!




What's the difference between a drummer and Dr. Scholl's foot pads?

Dr. Scholl's foot pads buck up the feet.




How do you get a drummer to leave your house ?

Pay for the pizza!




How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one, so long as a roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.




What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?

You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.




Why are drummers better than drum machines?

You don't have to plug 'em in to get something stiff, mechanical and uninspired.





What do Ginger Baker and 7-11 coffee have in common?

They both suck without Cream.




How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

100: 1 to hold the light bulb and 99 to drink until the room spins.




What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

Homeless.




What's the difference between a government bond and a drummer ?

Government bonds will probably mature and earn money.




We know a guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two sticks and he became a drummer, but then he lost one and became a conductor.



What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer ?

You only have to punch the instructions into a drum machine once.

Capt'n Midnight

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians ?

A drummer.




How do you tell if the stage is level?

The drummer is drooling from both sides of his mouth.




How do you know when if there's a drummer at the door?

The knocking speeds up.




Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?

He had to break a window to get the drummer out!




What's the difference between a drummer and Dr. Scholl's foot pads?

Dr. Scholl's foot pads buck up the feet.




How do you get a drummer to leave your house ?

Pay for the pizza!




How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one, so long as a roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.




What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?

You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.




Why are drummers better than drum machines?

You don't have to plug 'em in to get something stiff, mechanical and uninspired.





What do Ginger Baker and 7-11 coffee have in common?

They both suck without Cream.




How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

100: 1 to hold the light bulb and 99 to drink until the room spins.




What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

Homeless.




What's the difference between a government bond and a drummer ?

Government bonds will probably mature and earn money.




We know a guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two sticks and he became a drummer, but then he lost one and became a conductor.



What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer ?

You only have to punch the instructions into a drum machine once.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8eXj97stbG8

locum-motion

Deleted User wrote: »

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8eXj97stbG8

Ba-dum-tish!

what

Czarcasm

bluewolf wrote: »

what

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

I was riding the wife last night when she started complaining that I was hurting her so we changed position. Well I said how's that and she said that's grand it's in differerently

How does that work for you now bluey?

Terrible, I know

Mate of mine went to see the new Batman film before I could. We'd had a falling out so he turned around to me and said "You bastard, I'll get you for that, here's something you don't want to hear about the batman film. You know, Batman...." I shouted at him to stop, me hating spoilers more than death. I plugged my ears and started lalalaing. He tackled me, pinned me to the ground, leant to my ear and said:

































Batman was Bruce Wayne all along.

rolliepoley

A husband and a wife were trying to set up a new password to their computer.

The husband said "Put MYPENIS in."

The wife fell on the ground laughing because on screen was an error message...














"Error. Not long enough."

rolliepoley

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

rolliepoley

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

Aidric

From the brilliant Police Squad:

Who are you and how did you get in here?" "I'm a locksmith. And...I'm a locksmith.

rolliepoley

Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale clitoris licking
frog' She goes in and the shopkeeper say's 'Bonjour madame'.

Mariasofia

My brother has taken really badly to being sent to jail tonight. He is refusing all food and drinks and is spitting and swearing at anyone who goes near him.



I am never playing monopoly with him again!

TheLastMohican

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. But first of all a test. They were lined up in the nude and a sensitive bell was attached to the tip of each knob. They were told that shortly a naked belly dancer would come whirling out. Any fellow to get a hard on would not be allowed to take his final vows as he hadn't reached the sublime level of piety/purity that was required. Well, she dances in front of the first one ...... no reaction. She went down the line and no reaction 'til she got to the last ..... his name was Fabio ...... bell went haywire and flew of the end of his knob, clattering on the patio. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent down to pick it up. Then, all the other bells started ringing.

iMac_Hunt

Repost from a few days ago. My bad.

mb1725

err.... http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=84953992&postcount=3980

FanadMan

A local paper is running a competition for the best pun. A guy submitted 10 entries hoping that one of them would win. Unfortunately no pun in 10 did!

FanadMan

A blond In a Church......An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared

Bluestrike

Some people may find this joke offensive and i know it is AH but still...

My gay brother was recently diagnosed with AIDs
What a bummer

rolliepoley

500 years ago in an ancient pub two of the worlds greatest poets sat,
ROBERT BURNS and WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE. they were to have a contest to
find out which one is better at telling stories. They were to use the
word TIMBUCTU in a sentence.
They drew straws to see who would go first. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE win
and goes first. "I traveled through the far and distant sands, to
observe the ever soft and shifting sands, a foreign vessel loomed into
view, it's destination TIMBUCTU!"
ROBERT FROST was next: "TIM and I a hiking we went, spied 3 maidens in
a tent. They were 3, we were 2. I BUCKED ONE AND TIMBUCTU!"

WilyCoyote

rolliepoley wrote: »

500 years ago in an ancient pub two of the worlds greatest poets sat,
ROBERT BURNS and WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE. they were to have a contest to
find out which one is better at telling stories. They were to use the
word TIMBUCTU in a sentence.
They drew straws to see who would go first. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE win
and goes first. "I traveled through the far and distant sands, to
observe the ever soft and shifting sands, a foreign vessel loomed into
view, it's destination TIMBUCTU!"
ROBERT FROST was next: "TIM and I a hiking we went, spied 3 maidens in
a tent. They were 3, we were 2. I BUCKED ONE AND TIMBUCTU!"

Where the fuck did Robert Frost emerge from? Did Burns morph into my State poet? Have you been at the cooking Sherry, rolliepoley, or have you just rolled a big one?

Busted Flat.

WilyCoyote wrote: »

Where the fuck did Robert Frost emerge from? Did Burns morph into my State poet? Have you been at the cooking Sherry, rolliepoley, or have you just rolled a big one?

It was a cold night.

dickwod1

Two dyslexic heating engineers are working on a job
One turns to the other and says "Can you smell gas?"
The other one turns around and says back "Are you serious? I cant even smell me own name!"

Mr Tibbs

A farmer had his young nephew from Dublin staying with him for a few days to give him a break from the city and keep him out of trouble. He had a few neighbours over for dinner one evening when the young lad ran in saying Uncle Mick come quickly the bull is f*cking a cow. Very embarassed he took the lad outside and said to him not to use such crude language like that again in company. You should have been more polite and said the bull was surprising the cow and with that the young lad ran off up the yard. About an hour passed when he ran back in again saying Uncle Mick come quickly the bull is surprising the cows. Everybody laughed at the innocence of the lad when his uncle said no son that's not possible a bull can only surprise one cow at a time. Your wrong uncle all the cows are surprised because he's f*cking a horse.

Mr Tibbs

WilyCoyote wrote: »

Where the fuck did Robert Frost emerge from? Did Burns morph into my State poet? Have you been at the cooking Sherry, rolliepoley, or have you just rolled a big one?

Fire burns but Frost also Burns

Hownowcow

WilyCoyote wrote: »

Where the fuck did Robert Frost emerge from? Did Burns morph into my State poet? Have you been at the cooking Sherry, rolliepoley, or have you just rolled a big one?

The road less travelled by.

CarrickMcJoe

Woman pulls down her pants one day and suddenly her fanny starts whistling 'Danny Boy'. Totally shocked by this, she shows her shows her friend who urges her to go see her doctor.
She enters the surgery, goes straight behind the curtain and strips off, and the fanny starts into 'Danny Boy' as sweet as a blackbird.

"Now Doctor, what do you thiink that is ?" she asks.

Doctor replies "Sounds like some cvnt whistling"!