The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

I am going to have to return the camouflage jacket I bought yesterday.
I just can't see myself wearing it.

I tried looking at the solar eclipse through a colander yesterday, but I ended up straining my eyes.

My wife is trying out a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight but boy can she climb a tree.

A catholic couple were trying for a baby and asked their parish priest to pray for them.
" Im going to Rome for a few months" he tells them. While I'm there I'll light a candle for ye at the Alter of St. Peter."
The priest returns several months later and he hears that the woman has given birth to quintuplets.
"Praise be to God" says the priest "but where is your husband? I heard that he left the country".
"That he did Father." says the woman." He flew to Rome to blow out your bloody candle"

When I was young I told my Dad that I wanted to be a Plumber..
"When you're having a bath you could practice being a plumber.." he said
He told my sister Mary who wanted to be a singer the same, "...when you're having a bath, you can practice your singing in the bath".
My brother Jim, sadly not with us anymore, he always wanted to be an electrician..

I've just seen a man who looks like Sting, in the Red Light district in Amsterdam.
He was probably getting a massage in a brothel.

I went into a pet shop and I asked for 12 bees.
The shopkeeper counted out 13 and handed them over to me.

I told him he'd given me one too many, and he told me it was a freebie.

An old codger is sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on and sits opposite him. He has a spiked mohican with red green yellow and blue dyed hair and 2 feather earrings.
When he sees the old man staring at him the punk says "What's the matter old man? Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"
The old codger replies, "Yeah, once I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you might be my kid."

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

I was walking past a building site when a bucket full of plaster fell on someone.

Poor chap was rendered unconscious.

Jaysus, he must have been mortarfied!

Heighway61 wrote: »

I just found out I'm colour blind. The news came completely out of the green.

Louis Armstrong was the first celebrity to raise awareness of colour blindness. He famously sang about seeing trees of green and red roses too! If you don’t laugh at this you obviously lost your humeor!

I've applied for a job in a mirror factory.

I can really see myself working there.

I'm thinking of starting a new business, recycling discarded chewing gum.

I need some help getting it off the ground.

Try sleeping in the daytime...no more nightmares

best joke of the week.....new boards.ie

(but not a funny one unfortunately)