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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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Comments

  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 86,976 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Capt'n Midnight


    If you think that your computer, laptop, and phone spying on you is scary then think again....

    Because your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,094 ✭✭✭ frag420


    If you think that your computer, laptop, and phone spying on you is scary then think again....

    Because your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

    That joke sucks...


  • Registered Users Posts: 243 ✭✭ The Witches Cat


    Did you hear about the Gay Magician???
    He vanished with a Poof!!


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 86,976 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Capt'n Midnight


    frag420 wrote: »
    That joke sucks...
    I finally sold my vacuum cleaner.

    It was only gathering dust.


  • Registered Users Posts: 17,782 ✭✭✭✭ The Princess Bride


    Actually, most people prefer vacuum cleaners to brushes, for cleaning their floors.
    Bit of a sweeping generalisation, I know.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 6,094 ✭✭✭ frag420


    I finally sold my vacuum cleaner.

    It was only gathering dust.

    Look at you hoovering up all the thanks...


  • Registered Users Posts: 605 ✭✭✭ upupup


    Confucius says,
    "When you clean out a vacuum cleaner,
    You become a vacuum cleaner."


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 71,187 Mod ✭✭✭✭ New Home


    Or even a vacuum cleaner cleaner. And you'll end up with a cleaner vacuum cleaner.


  • Registered Users Posts: 12,873 ✭✭✭✭ M.T. Cranium


    Why is it always so dirty at NATO headquarters?

    Because NATO abhors a vacuum.


  • Registered Users Posts: 605 ✭✭✭ upupup


    New Home wrote: »
    Or even a vacuum cleaner cleaner. And you'll end up with a cleaner vacuum cleaner.

    Could a vacuum cleaner cleaner clean a vacuum cleaner in a vacuum?


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  • Registered Users Posts: 17,782 ✭✭✭✭ The Princess Bride


    I am going to have to return the camouflage jacket I bought yesterday.
    I just can't see myself wearing it.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 86,976 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Capt'n Midnight


    My dad always turns his head slightly away from the printer when he's using it

    Apparently he can only see it in his peripheral vision.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,064 ✭✭✭ TheChevron


    The wife is in a foul mood this morning. Somone stole a pair of her knickers off the line.

    She's not too bothered about the knickers she just wants her 12 pegs back.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 86,976 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Capt'n Midnight


    As I was going to St Ives,
    I met a man with seven wives,
    “Hello Boris” I said.


  • Registered Users Posts: 17,782 ✭✭✭✭ The Princess Bride


    I tried looking at the solar eclipse through a colander yesterday, but I ended up straining my eyes.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 86,976 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Capt'n Midnight


    I didnt want to buy a hammock, but the salesman was very persuasive, and Im easily swayed.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,142 ✭✭✭ foxy farmer


    My wife is trying out a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight but boy can she climb a tree.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,142 ✭✭✭ foxy farmer


    What do you call a French man in sandals?
    Philippe Philoppe.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,142 ✭✭✭ foxy farmer


    A catholic couple were trying for a baby and asked their parish priest to pray for them.
    " Im going to Rome for a few months" he tells them. While I'm there I'll light a candle for ye at the Alter of St. Peter."
    The priest returns several months later and he hears that the woman has given birth to quintuplets.
    "Praise be to God" says the priest "but where is your husband? I heard that he left the country".
    "That he did Father." says the woman." He flew to Rome to blow out your bloody candle"


  • Registered Users Posts: 12,873 ✭✭✭✭ M.T. Cranium


    Is it true that the G in G-7 stands for geriatric?


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  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 86,976 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Capt'n Midnight


    I once ate a block of C4, which I mistook for marzipan.

    Big mistake.

    Next day I had explosive diarrhoea.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 86,976 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Capt'n Midnight


    Never trust a Phillip who spells his name with one L.

    The eyes are to close together


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,568 ✭✭✭ K.Flyer


    When I was young I told my Dad that I wanted to be a Plumber..
    "When you're having a bath you could practice being a plumber.." he said
    He told my sister Mary who wanted to be a singer the same, "...when you're having a bath, you can practice your singing in the bath".
    My brother Jim, sadly not with us anymore, he always wanted to be an electrician..


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,316 ✭✭✭✭ Suckit


    I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard standing on his hind legs telling jokes.
    I turned to the local tribesman and said "that lizard's really funny!"


    The tribesman replied, "That's not a lizard.....


    He's a stand up chameleon.."


  • Registered Users Posts: 451 ✭✭ Olivia2


    I bought a Chinese takeaway last night...
    On the drive home I saw the bag was rustling. I looked inside and saw two eyes staring back at me.....panicked, I thought it was a rat or a mouse...

    I pulled it out the bag as quick as possible.

    Turns out it was just a Peeking Duck..


  • Registered Users Posts: 164 ✭✭ Larry Bee


    Why does the Little Mermaid wear seashells?
    Because she's too big for B shells


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 86,976 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Capt'n Midnight


    How do you improve the aerodynamics of a drummers car?

    Take the Domino's sign off the roof.


  • Registered Users Posts: 12,873 ✭✭✭✭ M.T. Cranium


    Ladies and gentlemen, your global elites have detected an alien presence and furthermore have determined that these reptilian creatures wish to govern us all with only their own interests in mind.

    WE WANT TO WELCOME THESE LIKE-MINDED CREATURES TO OUR WORLD AND PLEDGE OUR FULL CO-OPERATION.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 86,976 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Capt'n Midnight


    Once saw a man digging up cats eyes in the middle of the road, I said to him what are you doing?
    He replied " im digging up these diamonds"
    I told him they were glass
    He snapped at me saying "no! This is a jewel carriageway!"


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  • Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 8,724 Mod ✭✭✭✭ iamstop


    What do you call a French man in sandals?
    Philippe Philoppe.

    What does a man with two left feet wear to the beach?

    Flip Flips.


    Have you heard that male bees dies after they procreate?
    Their life is just: Honey, Nut, Cherrio.


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