The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight

I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines, but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.

Gloomtastic!

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you this, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you." "So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said and I decided you were right, I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke.

fryup

^^^^^^^^^^^
that joke dates back to the ark

here's a more up to date one...

Bishop Casey walks into a pub in Galway and asks the Barman has he "any murphy?"

Capt'n Midnight

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Capt'n Midnight

Donate one kidney and you are a hero

When you try and donate five the shouting starts :rolleyes:

Capt'n Midnight

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.

Sharpyshoot

My post count is no joke.

Capt'n Midnight

I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.

Suckit

I went to one of those positive thinking classes last night. . .
It was crap

M.T. Cranium

I just ordered that on-line publication, "Make Money at Home," and got a confirmation e-mail. It reads ...

"Thanks for purchasing our book. See, it works."

Capt'n Midnight

Just back from the doctor's who suggested I need an earring made.

What a strange thing to say..

upupup

Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair... I've heard nothing since.

ArnoldJRimmer

I went to the doctor and told him that I have been hearing problems

He said, 'Ok, can you describe the symptoms?'

I said, 'Well Homer is fat, and Marge has blue hair..'

[Deleted User]

What!

iamstop

dolanbaker wrote: »

What!

I see hear what you did there!

Sheridan81

Suckit wrote: »

I went to one of those positive thinking classes last night. . .
It was crap

You should try going to a motivational seminar instead.

Was going to go myself but couldn't be bothered in the end.

[Deleted User]

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Police!

Police who?

Police BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!

Sorry, wrong house!

The Princess Bride

I'm very proud to have finished my 7th marathon in 7 days.



Or 'snickers' as they're now called.

M.T. Cranium

Uh oh, four days with no jokes.

That is no laughing matter.

blade1

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

Uh oh, four days with no jokes.

That is no laughing matter.

You're not the only M.T. Cranium around here!

Suckit

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”

She said, “You have the biggest penis of all your friends.”

The Princess Bride

If you get a text saying that Google Earth can now read maps backwards, ignore it...

It's spam.

Suckit

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you're bad luck."

Capt'n Midnight

I can't Handel Liszts. If I forget something while Chopin, I just go Bach later.

blade1

The Premier League have released a statement saying Man Utd will be hit with a severe penalty following the invasion of Old Trafford by fans this afternoon.

Bruno Fernandes will take it.

Capt'n Midnight

Called the vets this morning...

Me: "Hello, I need to make an appointment for my pet Ostrich."

Vet: "Ok what's the problem?"

Me: "He's holding his head to one side."

Vet: "Hmm, maybe neck's weak?"

Me: "Haven't you got anything sooner?"

Capt'n Midnight

My plan for today is to go with the wife to get us both some new glasses. After that, we'll see

Suckit

Maybe not the most P.C...

An asylum seeker picks up a hooker. 'Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks.
'€100,' she replies.
In broken English he says 'Do you do Refugee Style?'
'No' she says.
'I pay you €200 to do Refugee Style.'
'No', she says, not knowing what Refugee Style is.
'I pay you €300.'
'No', she says.
'I pay you €400.'
'No', she says.
So finally he says, 'OK, I pay €1,000 to do Refugee Style.'
She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could Refugee Style be?'.
So she agrees and has sex with him.
They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Refugee Style'?'
The asylum seeker replies 'You send bill to Government.'

M.T. Cranium

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

I can't Handel Liszts. If I forget something while Chopin, I just go Bach later.

There's no Haydn from that logic, my friend. I hope you remain strauss-free if you get the boot from the Schumann.

RobMc59

Sometimes I wake up grumpy
Other times I let her sleep.