Where are all the good single men gone too?

starlit

sollar wrote: »

I was getting a bit worried for you snuggles285 in case you came back with heather trott.

Lol! No I'm nothing like her. Would look similar to jennifer grey before she got her nose job!

sollar

snuggles285 wrote: »

Lol! No I'm nothing like her. Would look similar to jennifer grey before she got her nose job!

Ah thats the girl from dirty dancing, the original chickflick..... i blame that film for the sort of lists we see in that other thread

starlit

sollar wrote: »

Ah thats the girl from dirty dancing, the original chickflick..... i blame that film for the sort of lists we see in that other thread

Ya thats her! Lol, guess that's true...!

guitarzero

Good post

I think men would maybe say the same to be honest though. Theres probably a harsh truth that men and women are so different that we will always have to compromise so much in order to just get a long, if we cant do this then the idea of a relationship will eventually die off and simply become sexual.
When a lad on a night out is chatting to you be sure that there is one major thing on his mind, maybe two . Its sad but true. So if you are looking for something lasting dont count on that bloke craicin' them out in Whelans, cuz as long as you're smiling he's winning.
But I still relate to what you say in a way and it sucks. As a race we've always had some form of intimacy and these days that kind of lonliness can be very hard for many people, especially those who are more introverted and shy by nature.
Also, Ireland as a country was under much torment for many centuries and the legacy of this gets passed on.
When you say Manchildren this is often to do with the father not being there for the son hence him having no real sense of manhood. Jokers - often these funny lads behave like this as they feel inadequate about other aspects of themselves, how they look, intelligence etc. Players -cuz they can and without the need to try and engage with a woman.
But still, it sucks when you crave an intimacy with someone and you are still left in wondering...

starlit

guitarzero wrote: »

Good post

I think men would maybe say the same to be honest though. Theres probably a harsh truth that men and women are so different that we will always have to compromise so much in order to just get a long, if we cant do this then the idea of a relationship will eventually die off and simply become sexual.
When a lad on a night out is chatting to you be sure that there is one major thing on his mind, maybe two . Its sad but true. So if you are looking for something lasting dont count on that bloke craicin' them out in Whelans, cuz as long as you're smiling he's winning.
But I still relate to what you say in a way and it sucks. As a race we've always had some form of intimacy and these days that kind of lonliness can be very hard for many people, especially those who are more introverted and shy by nature.
Also, Ireland as a country was under much torment for many centuries and the legacy of this gets passed on.
When you say Manchildren this is often to do with the father not being there for the son hence him having no real sense of manhood. Jokers - often these funny lads behave like this as they feel inadequate about other aspects of themselves, how they look, intelligence etc. Players -cuz they can and without the need to try and engage with a woman.
But still, it sucks when you crave an intimacy with someone and you are still left in wondering...

I definitely see where you are going with this! Been to whelans onces and didn't like it...well the village nightclub. Man children I mean those that won't take responsibility for things, not necessarily those who are dads, also those who like to party all the time, act like children/maggots that's what I mean by a manchild! Basically a guy that will not grow up! Jokers I they can be funny but if they aren't serious about things or offend me or take offence to something I think is funny then jokers are out of there, if they have a nice clean dry sense of humour I'm all yours! Have had enough of players and bad boys to last me a life time! Yup it sucks!

stepbar

solerina wrote: »

From my point of view i think the decent guys all seem to have one thing in common....the need to be totally locked before they will chat anyone up, and then no matter if they are mr amazing looking they come across as mr annoying /desperate / (whatever word is appropriate)......irish men need to realise that a lot of irish women dont have long lists of what they want but maybe a short list of what they do want.....a decent guy who can hold an entertaining conversation while not totally locked (im sure the same can be said by irish men about irish women !!)

At a subconscious level what it boils down to is looks. Very few irish women admit it but let's face it you could be as witty / funny as you want, if you aren't reasonably good looking, it's friend teriatry for you. That's fine I accept that. However most lack the class to have a bit of craic when a bloke might try to punch above his weight. Of course there are exceptions but they are by the by quite few.

Kiera

Snuggles, there are loads of single good guys out there. Maybe you're just not in a place right now to meet them?

starlit

Kiera wrote: »

Snuggles, there are loads of single good guys out there. Maybe you're just not in a place right now to meet them?

Maybe I'm not maybe I am. I wasn't in a place right now to meet them a few years back but I am now, maybe I'm still not ready?

Kiera

snuggles285 wrote: »

Maybe I'm not maybe I am. I wasn't in a place right now to meet them a few years back but I am now, maybe I'm still not ready?

I dont know. I get the vibe ( and please dont take this the wrong way) that maybe you're looking too hard? I know when i'm having "me" time, which means i've not intention of meeting a guy about a dozen come along. Its the whole "bus" scenario....

starlit

Kiera wrote: »

I dont know. I get the vibe ( and please dont take this the wrong way) that maybe you're looking too hard? I know when i'm having "me" time, which means i've not intention of meeting a guy about a dozen come along. Its the whole "bus" scenario....

Ya I get ya!;)

Eve_Dublin

Just sticking my 2 cents in. I´m 30, have recently had a fairly big disappointment with a guy who I genuinely thought something might happen with and it´s taken me a little bit of time to get over that and move on. I let myself despair for a short while but I picked myself up and got on with it. I´ve never looked very hard at all...haven´t tried internet dating, never made an active effort with men on nights out..too busy having fun with the friends I was with...basically I´ve always lived my life without actively looking for anybody but lucky for me, I´ve met some lovely men in my lifetime. I guess because I was so relaxed about meeting someone, I gave everyone a chance and ended up having relationships with guys I didn´t expect I´d get along with but did. Because I didn´t see men (and still don´t) as potential boyfriends, I got to know them first without immediately wondering are they ticking all the boxes. Some women discount men because they´ve got the wrong colour hair...I mean, you´re shooting yourself in the foot there. How do I relax and not worry? By not giving myself any stupid deadline based on my age.

I´m 30 and most of my friends are settling down. Good for them. Delighted for them genuinely, it´s great to see them so happy (and they are) but I wouldn´t want to be with the men they´re with. I´m willing to stick it out....if that means my "dream man" (puke) at 40, then so be it. Chances are your relationship will last longer the older you meet them anyway (this is not based on any stats, just my own observations). Not that many people meet someone at 25 and are still content with them at 50. Yeah, I get lonely but I remind myself how much more lonelier it is to be with a man I don´t love (I remember that feeling).

Chances are you´re going to meet someone. He will more than likely not be the man you have envisioned (he probably doesn´t exist), so relax and get to know men not as potential father to your children but as potential friends and I´m sure you´ll be meet someone down the line. Practice a bit more patience.

seenitall

What a sensible POV, Eve.

Your post would be very close to how I feel about the whole thing NOW, but I used to be way more wound up about the whole dating/romance thing and of course it always got me with all the wrong types of men. "Disaster" is accurate. It has been such a hard road, with one AFGE* following another in fairly quick succesion. SO wrong.

Desperation, neediness, loneliness are absolutely the worst reasons to be out there looking for love. Because no matter if on-line or IRL, I was acting out of the most damaged part of my psyche, and thus it can always all just end in a damaged way. Which it did. And then of course, following all the lovely experiences, I got really, really disillusioned with men, which is where I am now.

I still crave love and the rest of it, but now after a lot of therapy, I am finally able to detach myself from all the internal siht somewhat (I still have enormous issues around control stemming from my childhood). This doesn't actually feel like I accomplished much at all (loneliness blah blah) however at least loneliness doesn't drive me any more. It wants to, it is sitting there at the wheel, all ready to rev up, but I am now in control of it and I am now saying: "No, we are not moving. I am enjoying the scenery for now, and we will just it here until I am ready to get behind the wheel."

Now I leave it all to chance, because only now do I realise that any semblance of control over these things is an illusion. But it has to be said, being weary of men also helps here. It is like I have had my fill of them in some ways; it is like now, they are both carrot and stick in front of the windscreen. I am looking and indulging in pining sometimes; but I am not forging ahead. I am coming to realise that aloneness can be a liberating thing.

*AFGE = Another Fcuking Growth Experience (a Canadian boy told me once)

Futurecrook

How can a guy be 'too nice'? When did that become a negative quality?

Futurecrook, I actually find this extremely strange and have been told on many occasions that I am too nice. Why is that a bad thing? Surely it's better than me being an asshole? It sometimes made me feel inadequate because I wasn't one of these "bad boy" types - admittedly I'm not a goody-two-shoes by any means, but I just dislike being bad to people.

starlit

Deleted User wrote: »

Futurecrook, I actually find this extremely strange and have been told on many occasions that I am too nice. Why is that a bad thing? Surely it's better than me being an asshole? It sometimes made me feel inadequate because I wasn't one of these "bad boy" types - admittedly I'm not a goody-two-shoes by any means, but I just dislike being bad to people.

There is nothing wrong with being nice and not being a goody-two-shoes not necessarily a bad boy, is not such a bad thing at all! Count yourself lucky man! You shouldn't feel like that, don't be too hard on yourself. Being nice but cheeky is good!

sollar

Yeah some women are attracted to b*****ds then they are surprised and upset when they start acting like b*****ds down the line. You made your bed.... etc etc.

plasmaguy

Are you sure you are approaching it in the right way OP?

I know plenty of women who go out and sit in the corner all night hemmed in by all their female usually married, engaged friends, etc.

Are you making an effort? Getting out there? Out on the dance floor? Avoiding being stuck in the corner where no-one can see you? Do you go to your local gym where there's probably plenty of single men. Do you go to concerts? Do you play Tag rugby and stuff like that? Are you going to the right pubs and nightclubs? Are you making an effort to chat up men?

And are you making the effort to stay in shape. Guys are a bit shallow you may have noticed. If they think you are too lazy to stay in shape, they might think you are lazy in general! (don't shoot the messenger, ladies!)

Or are you waiting for Mr. Right to land on your lap?

starlit

plasmaguy wrote: »

Are you sure you are approaching it in the right way OP?

That's questionable but thought my approach was ok. I used to chase guys/make a move on them more easily. Now I just rather they approach me. I don't mind innocently talking to a guy by chance at the bar and so on. I do that no problem chat away to them if it leads that way.

I know plenty of women who go out and sit in the corner all night hemmed in by all their female usually married, engaged friends, etc.

That can be me sometimes if there is a poor crowd around, or that its mostly older men over 40+ or those who are already attached! Now if its a busy and good crowd around and men near my age I mingle around the place in late bars. Its mainly pubs or late bars you see me in rarely see me in a nightclub! Tends to be the same late bar all the time my friends go to cause the other ones are a bit rough or its for teenagers!

Are you making an effort? Getting out there? Out on the dance floor? Avoiding being stuck in the corner where no-one can see you? Do you go to your local gym where there's probably plenty of single men. Do you go to concerts? Do you play Tag rugby and stuff like that? Are you going to the right pubs and nightclubs? Are you making an effort to chat up men?

At first I might or I might not depends on the guy, takes me a while to warm to a guy! I chat to him if he wants a chat and nothing more! I'm good, If I feel up to it I will go on the dance floor, if there is a guy I hope to make a move on me well I try to steer him my way a little, little elbow or hip bump/eye contact...see what happens. Haven't done than much in the past few years! I'm not a gym person...not much of an excericse savy person at all. Don't like it, not that I'm fat or anything. I'm slim anyway. I just don't like exercise. I go on the trampoline or go for a stroll but don't make the effort to do that. I used to play a couple of sports alright but got bored of them. I like concerts, haven't been to many. I know should try going to some more of them! I like rugby and gaa, sometimes go to gaa events! I don't play tag rugby as its not available in my area. To be honest, I was great in college to chat to men, and chat them up, I was good to compliment them, ask how old they were, ask them how old I think I were...etc I've not given much guys closure lately I have tried the past year though to chat to guys! I'm a flirtaholic....I admit that!;)

And are you making the effort to stay in shape. Guys are a bit shallow you may have noticed. If they think you are too lazy to stay in shape, they might think you are lazy in general! (don't shoot the messenger, ladies!)

I stay in shape though all the same. I watch my weight. Use to be far too skinny so have added a little bit of curves since college but I'm slim not fat but not stick thin like! Nearest figure....stacey in eastenders! I can understand that guys can be shallow and looks can be everything to them! Obviously her assets have to meet a guys requirements to a degree. So you're saying if a girl is too lazy to stay in shape she is lazy in general and perhaps lazy when it comes to men??? Interesting. I can see what you mean that a girl being lazy in general could mean to a guy that she won't make any effort with guys...

Or are you waiting for Mr. Right to land on your lap?

I'm not really expecting that but if it happens I'm all ears! I know, I've learnt a hard lesson, not to be waiting for Mr Right but its my soulmate I'm waiting for!:o

Joey the lips

I find it sad that you cannot find them but sound men often say the same of women...

Where are the good non judgemental ones that is....

I do agree that if you dont look sometimes it finds you

Feeona

snuggles285 wrote: »

I used to play a couple of sports alright but got bored of them. I like concerts, haven't been to many. I know should try going to some more of them! I like rugby and gaa, sometimes go to gaa events!


So you're saying if a girl is too lazy to stay in shape she is lazy in general and perhaps lazy when it comes to men??? Interesting. I can see what you mean that a girl being lazy in general could mean to a guy that she won't make any effort with guys...

The bit in bold jumped out at me. I don't think any man would think 'She's lazy, she won't make any effort with me'. Instead he would think 'She doesn't do anything she likes for herself. She doesn't go to concerts, even though she likes them. She used to play sports, but doesn't now. Why's that?..' etc etc etc.

(The bit in bold also shows that you're inclined to put men you don't even know on a pedestal ie 'Ah he wouldn't be interested in me' etc. You're shooting yourself in the foot.)

You have to have your own interests. Start doing the things you like instead of going to pubs to meet men. Go to a pub to listen to a band instead. Change your mindset. You're focusing far too much on meeting men and it's putting you under needless pressure. You should be out there having the time of your life!

starlit

Feeona wrote: »

The bit in bold jumped out at me. I don't think any man would think 'She's lazy, she won't make any effort with me'. Instead he would think 'She doesn't do anything she likes for herself. She doesn't go to concerts, even though she likes them. She used to play sports, but doesn't now. Why's that?..' etc etc etc.

(The bit in bold also shows that you're inclined to put men you don't even know on a pedestal ie 'Ah he wouldn't be interested in me' etc. You're shooting yourself in the foot.)

You have to have your own interests. Start doing the things you like instead of going to pubs to meet men. Go to a pub to listen to a band instead. Change your mindset. You're focusing far too much on meeting men and it's putting you under needless pressure. You should be out there having the time of your life!

Ah I see. Limiting places where I go to meet men...where I live isn't what you call very vibrant! Should I move back to the city...??

Reward

Many women just have unreasonable expectations these days, as well as that many men are rejecting the traditional role of providing whats called commitment (emotional and financial support to a female).

Of course, some women will try to use shaming language in an attempt to make men conform to their role of provider to women by labeling non conforming men, man child, afraid of commitment, player .. and so on.

I call the new system the transient harm, 20% of the men sleep with 80% of the women, which is where the impression of a shortage of "good" men comes from.

Also, there are rewards built in for not adhering to the traditional role eg. cheaper, more variety, and punishments built in for commitment, legal and social inequality and financial problems.

I resent your premise, that most men are "bad".

Misandrist.

Feeona

snuggles285 wrote: »

Ah I see. Limiting places where I go to meet men...where I live isn't what you call very vibrant! Should I move back to the city...??

Do what feels right for you. If moving back to the city would be good for you in most areas of your life, do it. Take your life into your hands and figure out what you can do for yourself to be happy. It's your responsibility to ensure that you are happy, no-one else's.

Only move to the city again if it would benefit other aspects of your life. Don't move solely because you want to meet someone. What happens if, worst comes to worst, you don't meet someone? You could potentially be stuck somewhere you could dislike.

Reward

Oh there is something else.

Female hypergamy and the education gap, the wider the education gap in favour of females the less likely a female is to find a male or equal or higher status and so the less likely she is to marry and have children.

Here is a chart from a study that explains what I've just said.

http://www.avoiceformen.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/8.jpg

5live

I think the OPs premise is flawed. The proportion of 'good' and 'bad' men and women would be about equal in any one place at any one time. It may be time to think about altering ones perception of the opposite sex rather than blaming them for any percieved faults that you may notice. I am speaking as someone trhat made that realisation some years ago and reaped huge rewards for it. It is not a criticism of the OP or any of the other posters but , to my mind, just a simple fact of life:)

mikom

snuggles285 wrote: »

Guys who would meet my requirements:


Hugh Grant Thought you hated liars
Ray Foley LOL
Ronan Keating Thought you hated liars
Westlife LOL

I don't think you know what you want.

Reward

mikom wrote: »

I don't think you know what you want.

It seems she is really wondering why there aren't a plethora of millionaire male celebrities and sex symbols available to her.

sollar

5live wrote: »

I think the OPs premise is flawed. The proportion of 'good' and 'bad' men and women would be about equal in any one place at any one time.

This is a very good point. There should really be an equal spread in terms of looks, personality, intelligence etc. Both sexes would do well to accept that.

When the op mentioned the shortage of good men, what she was really doing was dismissing a large proportion of men as not good enough. The same applies from the male perspective. Most people know their league/limits etc (give or take). Problems can arise when people are holding out for someone out of their league.

Reward

sollar wrote: »

This is a very good point. There should really be an equal spread in terms of looks, personality, intelligence etc. Both sexes would do well to accept that.

When the op mentioned the shortage of good men, what she was really doing was dismissing a large proportion of men as not good enough. The same applies from the male perspective. Most people know their league/limits etc (give or take). Problems can arise when people are holding out for someone out of their league.

But men and women have different criteria for chosing mates. Female hypergamy mandates that women to hold out for someone thats out of their league and in todays gynocentric society they as less and less likely to find that person, viewing the world through the lens of the mainstream celebrity gossip media and sex and city type messages doesn't help them either.