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The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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    #3992
    FanadMan
    Registered Users Posts: 3,820 ✭✭✭FanadMan


    A blond In a Church......An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared


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    #3993
    Bluestrike
    Registered Users Posts: 191 ✭✭Bluestrike


    Some people may find this joke offensive and i know it is AH but still...
    My gay brother was recently diagnosed with AIDs
    What a bummer


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    #3994
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    500 years ago in an ancient pub two of the worlds greatest poets sat,
    ROBERT BURNS and WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE. they were to have a contest to
    find out which one is better at telling stories. They were to use the
    word TIMBUCTU in a sentence.
    They drew straws to see who would go first. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE win
    and goes first. "I traveled through the far and distant sands, to
    observe the ever soft and shifting sands, a foreign vessel loomed into
    view, it's destination TIMBUCTU!"
    ROBERT FROST was next: "TIM and I a hiking we went, spied 3 maidens in
    a tent. They were 3, we were 2. I BUCKED ONE AND TIMBUCTU!"


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    #3995
    WilyCoyote
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,059 ✭✭✭WilyCoyote


    rolliepoley wrote: »
    500 years ago in an ancient pub two of the worlds greatest poets sat,
    ROBERT BURNS and WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE. they were to have a contest to
    find out which one is better at telling stories. They were to use the
    word TIMBUCTU in a sentence.
    They drew straws to see who would go first. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE win
    and goes first. "I traveled through the far and distant sands, to
    observe the ever soft and shifting sands, a foreign vessel loomed into
    view, it's destination TIMBUCTU!"
    ROBERT FROST was next: "TIM and I a hiking we went, spied 3 maidens in
    a tent. They were 3, we were 2. I BUCKED ONE AND TIMBUCTU!"

    Where the fuck did Robert Frost emerge from? Did Burns morph into my State poet? Have you been at the cooking Sherry, rolliepoley, or have you just rolled a big one?


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    #3996
    Busted Flat.
    Registered Users Posts: 4,003 ✭✭✭Busted Flat.


    WilyCoyote wrote: »
    Where the fuck did Robert Frost emerge from? Did Burns morph into my State poet? Have you been at the cooking Sherry, rolliepoley, or have you just rolled a big one?

    It was a cold night.


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    #3997
    dickwod1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,101 ✭✭✭dickwod1


    Two dyslexic heating engineers are working on a job
    One turns to the other and says "Can you smell gas?"
    The other one turns around and says back "Are you serious? I cant even smell me own name!"


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    #3998
    Mr Tibbs
    Registered Users Posts: 420 ✭✭Mr Tibbs


    A farmer had his young nephew from Dublin staying with him for a few days to give him a break from the city and keep him out of trouble. He had a few neighbours over for dinner one evening when the young lad ran in saying Uncle Mick come quickly the bull is f*cking a cow. Very embarassed he took the lad outside and said to him not to use such crude language like that again in company. You should have been more polite and said the bull was surprising the cow and with that the young lad ran off up the yard. About an hour passed when he ran back in again saying Uncle Mick come quickly the bull is surprising the cows. Everybody laughed at the innocence of the lad when his uncle said no son that's not possible a bull can only surprise one cow at a time. Your wrong uncle all the cows are surprised because he's f*cking a horse.


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    #3999
    Mr Tibbs
    Registered Users Posts: 420 ✭✭Mr Tibbs


    WilyCoyote wrote: »
    Where the fuck did Robert Frost emerge from? Did Burns morph into my State poet? Have you been at the cooking Sherry, rolliepoley, or have you just rolled a big one?

    Fire burns but Frost also Burns


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    #4000
    Hownowcow
    Closed Accounts Posts: 341 ✭✭Hownowcow


    WilyCoyote wrote: »
    Where the fuck did Robert Frost emerge from? Did Burns morph into my State poet? Have you been at the cooking Sherry, rolliepoley, or have you just rolled a big one?


    The road less travelled by.


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    #4001
    CarrickMcJoe
    Registered Users Posts: 3,379 ✭✭✭CarrickMcJoe


    Woman pulls down her pants one day and suddenly her fanny starts whistling 'Danny Boy'. Totally shocked by this, she shows her shows her friend who urges her to go see her doctor.
    She enters the surgery, goes straight behind the curtain and strips off, and the fanny starts into 'Danny Boy' as sweet as a blackbird.

    "Now Doctor, what do you thiink that is ?" she asks.

    Doctor replies "Sounds like some cvnt whistling"!


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    #4002
    WilyCoyote
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,059 ✭✭✭WilyCoyote


    Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench during a break. One turns to the other, "Slim, I'm 76 and am full of aches and pains. I know you're a similar age, How do you feel?" Slim replies, "I feel just like a new born babe." "Really? A new born babe?" "Yup", grins Slim. "No teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants."


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    #4003
    Camrat
    Registered Users Posts: 191 ✭✭Camrat


    Late one night, a zebra decides to break out of the zoo to see what was out there. When the time was right he made his break and was running through the fields in no time. Running, jumping and running some more all night until the sun came up.

    It was at this point, he noticed a strange looking black and white animal in the next field and having been born and bred in captivity never meeting another animal he went over to introduce himself...

    How is it going i'm a zebra what are you?

    I'm a cow,

    No way cool, what do you do?

    I eat grass and the farmer milk's us. Easy said the cow.

    So the zebra said goodbye and runs onto the next field. See's another strange pink yoke and heads over to intro himself.

    How is it going i'm a zebra what are you?

    I'm a pig

    No way cool, what do you do?

    I eat load's and roll around in the muck all day.Easy said the pig.

    So the zebra said goodbye and runs onto the next field. see this tall brown proud yoke full of muscles and heads over to intro himself.

    How is it going i'm a zebra what are you?

    I'm a stallion,

    No way thats cool, what do you do?
    Take them pyjamas off and i'll show you replied the stallion.....lmao


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    #4004
    haveabanana
    Closed Accounts Posts: 222 ✭✭haveabanana


    rolliepoley wrote: »
    Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale clitoris licking
    frog' She goes in and the shopkeeper say's 'Bonjour madame'.

    An bhfuil cead agam dul go dtí an clitoris?


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    #4005
    Lelantos
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,612 ✭✭✭Lelantos


    haveabanana wrote: »
    An bhfuil cead agam dul go dtí an clitoris?

    Kneel! ;)


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    #4006
    WilyCoyote
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,059 ✭✭✭WilyCoyote


    A Bear, a Lion and a Pig meet up. Bear says, "If I roar in the forest the entire forest is shivering with fear." Lion says, "If I roar in the jungle the entire jungle is afraid of me." Pig says, "If I cough the entire planet shits itself."


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    #4007
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    A man was sitting quietly reading the newspaper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine. "Ouch!! What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained."Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation." Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "Now what was that for?" She replied, "Your horse called."


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    #4008
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    WilyCoyote wrote: »
    Where the fuck did Robert Frost emerge from? Did Burns morph into my State poet? Have you been at the cooking Sherry, rolliepoley, or have you just rolled a big one?

    :pac:

    Good one Wily, i never copped it even though i read it a few times. :o


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    #4009
    WilyCoyote
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,059 ✭✭✭WilyCoyote


    rolliepoley wrote: »
    :pac:

    Good one Wily, i never copped it even though i read it a few times. :o

    No problem, rolliepoley. :DHe lived on a farm in Derry - not far from here. Incidentally, it was also the place where the first potato was grown in the States - after a bag of seed potatoes was brought from Ireland. Now the humble spud is the State vegetable of New Hampshire.

    "Although it was first settled by Scottish-Irish (also known as Ulster-Scots) families in 1719, Derry was not incorporated until 1827. It was for a long time part of Londonderry, which included Windham and portions of Manchester, Salem and Hudson. The town was named for the city of Derry, Northern Ireland, the Irish word "Doire" meaning "oak woods." The first potato planted in the United States was planted here in 1719. The town is the location of two of America's oldest private schools, Pinkerton Academy, founded in 1814 and still in operation, and the closed Adams Female Seminary." Wiki


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    #4010
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    Roses are red,
    Violets are glorious,
    Don't try to surprise
    Oscar Pistorius.


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    #4011
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"


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    #4012
    david75
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 7,611 ✭✭✭david75


    rolliepoley wrote: »
    Roses are red,
    Violets are glorious,
    Don't try to surprise
    Oscar Pistorius.


    This jokes got legs.


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    #4013
    haveabanana
    Closed Accounts Posts: 222 ✭✭haveabanana


    Oscar Pistorius is guilty as anything, he hasn't got a leg to stand on.


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    #4014
    keano_afc
    Registered Users Posts: 8,711 ✭✭✭keano_afc


    The defence are set to reveal conclusive evidence found ouside the apartment that will clear Oscar Pistorious.

    Footprints.


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    #4015
    666irishguy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 469 ✭✭666irishguy


    haveabanana wrote: »
    Oscar Pistorius is guilty as anything, he hasn't got a leg to stand on.

    To make a long story short, the neighbors said he was legless all evening, though he wasn't seen too shortly after the shooting. The investigation is stumbling with regards to a motive and the cops are truly stumped. He's reportedly distraught about the whole thing, but it's no good in saying 'just pull your socks up and carry on with it Oscar'. Regardless of his despair, when it goes to court he won't have a leg to stand on. Even if he does stand up for himself, his defense is quite a lame story in my opinion.


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    #4016
    gramar
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,045 ✭✭✭✭gramar


    Apparently Pistorious has hit the bottle fairly hard recently because of the upcoming murder case and was seen in a few bars looking the worse for wear.

    A couple of eye witnesses said he was legless.


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    #4017
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    Jesus and Moses are out on a lake in a canoe. Fishing, as it were. When Moses turns to Jesus and says "Hey. Jesus... I bet you ain't got it like you used to. You know, the old stuff." Jesus says "Oh yeah, check this out." So he stands up and steps over the edge of the vessel with his one foot. He looks at Moses and winks. Jesus steps out with the other foot and *Bam*, he sinks like a stone. Moses is still laughing his ass off a few minutes later when Jesus emerges from the bottom of the lake. As he walks up onto the shore, Moses yells out "Hey Jesus!!! Ain't the same with those holes in your feet, is it?!"


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    #4018
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    The kindegarten teacher is preparing the children for first grade. She tells them that from now on they must use "Big people words".
    She asks John how he spent his weekend.
    "I went to visit my Nana" he replies.
    "No John. You went to visit your Grandmother, remember now, use big people words."
    The teacher turns to Rosie and asks her what she did on the weekend.
    "I went for a ride on a choo choo". Says Rosie.
    "No Rosie. You rode on a Train. That's what a big person would say."
    She then turns to Mitchell to ask him what he did.
    "I read a book." He replies.
    "Thats wonderful Mitchell, what book did you read ? "
    Mitchell thinks for a moment, then puffing out his chest with pride, answers,
    "Winnie the ****."


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    #4019
    EoghanIRL
    Registered Users Posts: 4,080 ✭✭✭EoghanIRL


    david75 wrote: »
    This jokes got legs.

    He should be a stand up comedian :P


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    #4020
    tayto lover
    Registered Users Posts: 51,644 ✭✭✭✭tayto lover


    EoghanIRL wrote: »
    He should be a stand up comedian :P

    Hasn't a leg to stand on.


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    #4021
    josip
    Registered Users Posts: 13,662 ✭✭✭✭josip


    A psychology student at a local university was sent on a field assignment to evaluate three patients in a local mental hospital.

    The first patient was locked in his room throwing tennis balls everywhere. The student asked why, and the patient answered "When I get out of here I am going to be a tennis pro."

    The second patient was locked in his room throwing baseballs everywhere. When asked why he said "When I get out of here I am going to be a professional baseball player."

    The student thought he was starting to get the hang of things, until he looked in on the third patient. There locked in the middle of the room was a naked man, masturbating with a peanut on the end of his penis. The student asked, "I understand about the others, tell us what you're doing?"
    "I'm fcuking nuts and I'm never getting out of here!"


This discussion has been closed.
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