The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Capt'n Midnight · 25-06-2013 05:23PM

Ladies, if a man says he'll fix something, he will. There is no need to keep on reminding him every 6 months.

Capt'n Midnight · 25-06-2013 05:25PM

It's a laugh a minute at work.

Our nitrous oxide factory has an appalling record for leaks.

Wossack · 25-06-2013 05:38PM

I'm looking to start my own business - recycling discarded chewing gum. Just need some help getting it off the ground.

banie01 · 25-06-2013 05:38PM

Anyone wrote: »

Turned on Channel 4 last night to watch "The man with the 10 stone testicles". It turned out to be an interview with Jedwards dad.

Funny that!
Seeing as their Ma is a medical marvel too.....
Her being the woman with 2 c*nts

and all....
Family of medical wonders!

tayto lover · 25-06-2013 05:46PM

banie01 wrote: »

Funny that!
Seeing as their Ma is a medical marvel too.....
Her being the woman with 2 c*nts and all....
Family of medical wonders!

Should that not be 3 ?

rolliepoley · 25-06-2013 07:47PM

WilyCoyote wrote: »

What's the difference between Bill Wyman and a greyhound?
A greyhound waits for the hare

Why do bald men walk around with greyhounds?

To chase the hair from the back of their heads to the front.

Eli Nich · 26-06-2013 11:30AM

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Ladies, if a man says he'll fix something, he will. There is no need to keep on reminding him every 6 months.

Buhahaha Wicked you

KKkitty · 26-06-2013 03:31PM

What do you call a Spanish man on a bus?

Carlos

tayto lover · 26-06-2013 04:13PM

What do you call a Spaniard with no balls?

Senorita

BigBrownBear · 26-06-2013 04:25PM

What do you call a judge with no balls....

Justice Mickey

giles lynchwood · 26-06-2013 06:56PM

The Queen was at Ascot when a wind blew up her skirt,grabbing her hat she said"what you see down there is 80 years old,I only bought the hat yesterday.

Martonio · 26-06-2013 08:28PM

I was at a wedding the other day. Even the cake was in tiers.

Q) What's brown and runny?

A) Husain Bolt

Dartz · 26-06-2013 08:44PM

As a result of The Gathering, more and more Americans are coming to Ireland to dig up their family trees.

In a statement released today, a Coillte spokesman said that the effect on our national forests has been devastating.

Galway K9 · 28-06-2013 01:43PM

Paddy Irishman died in a fire and was very badly burnt and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.
Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said 'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over'.
So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said 'Nope, it ain't Paddy.'
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over'.
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, 'No,it ain't Paddy'.
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?' Sean said, 'Well, Paddy had two assholes.'
'What, he had two assholes?' said the mortician.
'Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two assholes.'

Mr Tibbs · 28-06-2013 04:20PM

Remember girls don't die a virgin, there are thousands of terrorists waiting up there to f*ck you

Camrat · 28-06-2013 06:03PM

A man goes to prison and, as soon as he walks in, his huge, buff cellmate says to him, "We're gonna play mammy and daddys. Do you want to be the mammy or the daddy?"
After thinking about it for a minute, the man slowly answers, "Well, if I have to choose, I guess I’ll be the daddy."
"OK," his cellmate says, "

then get over here and suck mommy’s cock

."

Kettleson · 28-06-2013 08:05PM

One of my friends has just separated from his wife and 3 children.

The trouble started when he refused to have any more children with her. He had been told that one in every four new born babies was Chinese.

Mariasofia · 28-06-2013 10:47PM

I've found my sex life has become so much like Who wants to be a millionaire quizshow.
Me: do you want a ride??
Him: not tonight Im tired.
Me: final answer.
Him: ya.
Me: im going to phone a friend.

Hagar the Nice. · 28-06-2013 11:25PM

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.

"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says,
"I have a question for YOU.There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies,
"Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... ..but I like your thinking.......

LizT · 28-06-2013 11:28PM

A man goes into a pub and orders 6 whiskeys. He lines them all up and drinks the 1st, 3rd and 5th whiskey and then gets up to leave.The barman says "Are you not going to drink the others?" The man says "No, my doctor said it was only ok to have the odd drink"

Truly awful, I know :pac:

Hagar the Nice. · 28-06-2013 11:28PM

Two dwarfs go into a bar where they pick up two women & take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The 1st dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of “Here I come again! One, two, three, uh,” all night long.
In the morning, the 2nd dwarf asks the 1st “How did it go?”
The 1st mutters “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get an erection.”
The 2nd dwarf shook his head & says “You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get on the fookin bed"

28-06-2013 11:31PM

Hagar the nice...
Related to Hagar the horrible????

:pac:

Hagar the Nice. · 28-06-2013 11:32PM

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of
dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night
light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When
our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat
scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat
likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned
so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard
again.

Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be
empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out
momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes
later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing
horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.

"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I
had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried
to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so
she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her
fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better
not **** in the vegetable garden again."

The silence in the taxi was deafening.....

Hagar the Nice. · 28-06-2013 11:35PM

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Hagar the nice...
Related to Hagar the horrible????

:pac:

Shhhhh,he's my twin brother,I prefer not to mention him after he ransacked England.

Lelantos · 28-06-2013 11:35PM

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Hagar the nice...
Related to Hagar the horrible????

:pac:

Hagar the Nice. · 28-06-2013 11:37PM

A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends.
"Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed.
"Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband.
He'll be so annoyed if it's not ready on time."

When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg and a can of cat food.
With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food,
stirred in the egg and garnished it with the lettuce leaf.

She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner.
To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.

"Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day."

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.

She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified. "You're
going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the window sill
while he was licking his arse!"

ringadingding · 28-06-2013 11:40PM

The pet shop ripped us off today,
They sold us an epileptic goldfish.

He was grand when he was in the water though

Hagar the Nice. · 28-06-2013 11:41PM

Tom was working in the garden this weekend and his wife was upstairs, about to take a shower. Tom realized that he couldn't find the rake and yelled up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"

She couldn't really hear him and shouted back, "What?"

He pointed to his eye, and then he pointed to his knee and made a raking motion.

His wife was a bit puzzled and again said "What?"

He repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"

His wife indicated that she understood and signaled back. She first pointed to her eye, next she pointed to her left breast, then she pointed to her backside and finally to her crotch.

Well, there was no way in hell Tom could even come close to that one.

Exasperated, he went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"

She replied,

Scroll on - it is worth it,

"Eye - Left Tit - Behind – The Bush"

Hagar the Nice. · 28-06-2013 11:44PM

Last one for the nite.....honest..........OK OK don't all cheer at once.:(

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.

He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.

He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheesy Wotsits."

dcmm · 28-06-2013 11:52PM

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

Whaddya a call a girl with only one leg?
Eileen

:pac::pac::pac:

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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