The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Golfgorfield · 26-02-2015 2:50pm

Does this cloth smell of chloroform to you?

foxy farmer · 26-02-2015 5:01pm

Paddy goes to Pamplona in Spain during the bull running festivities. While he doesn't have any interest in the bull running he decides to partake in the culinary feast each evening.
This evening he is served a scrumptious meal featuring 2 large meatballs.which he greatly enjoys. He asks a waiter what it was.
"Oh senor that is heurves del toro. They are how you say bulls eggs. They're from the bull that was killed by matador today. " Paddy was shocked but the taste was sublime. He said he'd have to try them again.
A few days later he decides to sample his newly discovered delicacy. He is given a plate but this time the meatballs are miniscule hardly half the size of an egg. He enquires with the waiter.
"The bull that was killed today must have been very small " he says pointing to his plate.
"Ah no senor, you see, the matador, he do not always win"

everlast75 · 27-02-2015 10:04am

The fact that there's a stairway to heaven and a highway to hell, tells a lot about expected traffic..

el diablo · 27-02-2015 8:05pm

Why did the Kerryman always leave one shoelace undone?

On the sole of his shoe was written "Taiwan".

ohmslaw · 01-03-2015 12:57am

A chicken walks over to a duck who is about to cross the road and says
"don't do it - you'll never hear the end of it".

Capt'n Midnight · 01-03-2015 8:39pm

My wife walked in on me last night and shouted, "What the hell are you doing with that ivory and gold dress?"

I said, "It's not what it looks like!"

byrner88 · 02-03-2015 3:27am

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.

A cow called Daisy · 02-03-2015 10:35am

Was talking to man the other night and he started on about holidays.
"I don't know what to do" he said, "two years ago when holidays the wife got pregnant.... then last year when on holiday she got pregnant again. I just don't know what to do" he continued, "I suppose this year I'm just going to have to bring her with me"

ScummyMan · 02-03-2015 1:33pm

I was at the Man City match the other day and the lad sat next to me called me a cunt.

I would have hit him but I couldn't be bothered to walk half way around the stadium.

yellowlabrador · 03-03-2015 5:43pm

2 bums are driving down a road and stop at the side of the road for a break.
One looks out of the window at a stone an says
"Chr**st he was old"
"How old?"
"126"
"Who was he?"
"Miles from London"

Skullface McGubbin · 03-03-2015 6:30pm

el diablo wrote: »

Why did the Kerryman always leave one shoelace undone?

On the sole of his shoe was written "Taiwan".

gotta love Kerryman jokes

Did you hear about the group of Kerrymen who tried to do their own version of Riverdance?

They drowned

Buford T. Justice XIX · 03-03-2015 8:26pm

Did you hear about the kerryman with the inferiority complex?

He thought he was the same as everybody else:pac:

tayto lover · 03-03-2015 9:22pm

Did you hear about the Kerryman who tried to blow up a bus?

He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.

yellowlabrador · 03-03-2015 10:02pm

Ho do you confuse Kerry man.
Send him into a shed full of shovels and tell him to take his pick.

Gloomtastic! · 03-03-2015 10:07pm

yellowlabrador wrote: »

Ho do you confuse Kerry man.
Send him into a shed full of shovels and tell him to take his pick.

That one takes me back!

IamNotNumber · 03-03-2015 11:02pm

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Its the eternal question of our times just why did the chicken cross the road?What was the actual reason?Why did the chicken cross the bloody road.Anyone have a good reason? To get to the other side maybe? Why was the parking meter on that side of the road?Heading to a shop maybe?
Based on my research and the prevalence of chickens crossing roads in busy traffic I have come to the conclusion this was a chicken who had the lost the will to live and its becoming more commonplace among young chickens as the recession and austerity hits home, turkey is a luxury beyond the grasp of many of the middle class who have turned to all all-week chicken consumption instead.Meanwhile mass slaughter houses like KFC (They are the ISIS of the chicken world)and Nando's are springing up everywhere,catering to the lust for chicken flesh.
'Accident black spot. These aren't accidents.They're throwing themselves into the road gladly.Throwing themselves into the road to escape all this hideousness'.

Hermy · 04-03-2015 10:16am

Scrubbers!!!

TheChevron · 04-03-2015 10:52am

My local priest is OK in person, but during mass he comes across all big-headed.

I think he has an altar ego.

chewed · 04-03-2015 2:53pm

I apologise in advance of this one!

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Local Farm Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.

CUCINA · 05-03-2015 9:09am

The rich old dame sat in the back of her Rolls-Royce, meeting her new chauffeur for the first time.

"What is your name, young man?", she demanded to know.

"James, madame" he respectfully replied.

"Excuse me!", she said snootily, "I am not in the habit of addressing my drivers by their first name. What is your surname?"

"Darling, madame".

(Sniffs) "Drive on, James!"

Man of Aran · 05-03-2015 11:59am

chewed wrote: »

I apologise in advance of this one!

.......

Clearly old Butch was a POLITICIAN in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.

Nice one, did you compose that yourself?

You forgot to add that they will get their result by any means, fair or FOWL!

At the risk of triggering 1/2 dozen or score of chicken puns but could not resist that one.
I'll get me coat now......

jimgoose · 05-03-2015 12:01pm

Man of Aran wrote: »

Nice one, did you compose that yourself?

You forgot to add that they will get their result by any means, fair or FOWL!

At the risk of triggering 1/2 dozen or score of chicken puns but could not resist that one.
I'll get me coat now......

Confucius say, Better old hen than Pullet!

Buford T. Justice XIX · 05-03-2015 12:45pm

Man of Aran wrote: »

Nice one, did you compose that yourself?

You forgot to add that they will get their result by any means, fair or FOWL!

At the risk of triggering 1/2 dozen or score of chicken puns but could not resist that one.
I'll get me coat now......

Omletting you off with that but don't do it again.

Hagar7 · 06-03-2015 10:06pm

Apologies if this joke has been posted already....well I'm not really but I'll say it anyway.
Who invented Knock Knock jokes?

Two wee chaps.

coolhull · 06-03-2015 10:15pm

Hagar7 wrote: »

Apologies if this joke has been posted already....well I'm not really but I'll say it anyway.
Who invented Knock Knock jokes?

Two wee chaps.

Two wee chaps who?

Witchie · 06-03-2015 10:25pm

Hagar7 wrote: »

Apologies if this joke has been posted already....well I'm not really but I'll say it anyway.
Who invented Knock Knock jokes?

Two wee chaps.

I think you have to be from up round these parts to get that!

Hagar7 · 06-03-2015 10:50pm

You live in Knock then Witchie.😊😊😊

Hagar7 · 06-03-2015 10:53pm

cool hull wrote: »

Two wee chaps who?

.......Were Jehovah Witnesses........well not really,I made that up to confuddle you..

JCX BXC · 06-03-2015 11:16pm

Hagar7 wrote: »

Apologies if this joke has been posted already....well I'm not really but I'll say it anyway.
Who invented Knock Knock jokes?

Two wee chaps.

I dont get it?

Hagar7 · 06-03-2015 11:31pm

Holy Smokes.....You must have heard of Knock knock jokes before?
As in " knock knock"
Who's there.....

What do you do when you come to a door,...you either ring the bell,or chap it.

Psst,if you need any more help then I'm phoning Samaritans.

alphonse mephisto · 06-03-2015 11:31pm

Har har har!!

fryup · 07-03-2015 12:02am

Hagar7 wrote: »

You live in Knock then Witchie.😊😊😊

i've often seen those squares at the end of people's replys...what are they about??

JCX BXC · 07-03-2015 12:04am

fryup wrote: »

i've often seen those squares at the end of people's replys...what are they about??

They are emojis or smilies (as known in slang English). Your device mustn't be able to read them, as they should appear as a laughing face or smiling face.

fryup · 07-03-2015 12:05am

^^^^^^^^^

my browser out of date??

Hagar7 · 07-03-2015 12:40am

fryup wrote: »

i've often seen those squares at the end of people's replys...what are they about??

If you get an iPad then you'll have tons of them.

Rough Sleeper · 07-03-2015 8:50pm

How do you know that E.T. is a protestant?

You can tell by the look of him.

auldgranny · 07-03-2015 8:51pm

Rough Sleeper wrote: »

How do you know that E.T. is a protestant?

You can tell by the look of him.

Don't get it.

Rough Sleeper · 07-03-2015 8:57pm

auldgranny wrote: »

Don't get it.

I take it you don't have many close relatives from the north or the border counties? A lot of nordies from my parents' generation claim that they can spot a protestant by their appearance.

Menas · 07-03-2015 8:58pm

Rough Sleeper wrote: »

I take it you don't have many close relatives from the north or the border counties? A lot of nordies from my parents' generation claim that they can spot a protestant by their appearance.

I am from the border counties and never heard that!

donalh087 · 07-03-2015 10:07pm

This reverse joke doesn't quite work. This reverse joke doesn't who? This reverse joke doesn't. Who's there? Knock Knock

BBDBB · 08-03-2015 1:24am

Angela Merkel, the German Chancellor, arrives at Passport Control at Athens airport.

"Name?" asks the immigration officer

"Angela Merkel" she replies

"Nationality?" .  

"German," she says.

“Occupation?” he asks.

 "No, not ziss time. I am just here for a finance meeting at ze moment"

Buona Fortuna · 08-03-2015 6:54pm

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would
transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby's father. He asked if they
were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as
the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead
and "kick it up a notch."

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic

When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

fryup · 09-03-2015 10:06am

the Angela Merkel joke don't get it

jonnybegood · 09-03-2015 10:17am

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year,
the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
so I think we will name him..

Sum Ting Wong

murpho999 · 09-03-2015 10:25am

fryup wrote: »

the Angela Merkel joke don't get it

She's replying that she's there just for a meeting and not to occupy the country this time.

chughes · 09-03-2015 11:48am

fryup wrote: »

the Angela Merkel joke don't get it

There must a whole generation growing up now who don't get these WW2 jokes. My first instinct was to think that's gas but it really does concentrate the mind......

Curly Judge · 09-03-2015 11:49am

After a full day of golf a guy brings his best golfing buddy home from
the Club, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and
listens to her tirade. "My Goddamn hair & makeup aren’t done, the house
is a f***** mess, the breakfast dishes are still in the sink, I'm still
in my f**** pyjamas, and . . . I can't be bothered with cooking
tonight!
Just exactly why do you bring a guest to the house without telling me,
you stupid piece of ****?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

tayto lover · 09-03-2015 11:50am

jonnybegood wrote: »

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year,
the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
so I think we will name him..

Sum Ting Wong

Waaay Haaay an original

eisenberg1 · 09-03-2015 11:54am

jonnybegood wrote: »

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year,
the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
so I think we will name him..

Sum Ting Wong

Two Wongs dont make a white.

yellowlabrador · 09-03-2015 11:55am

chughes wrote: »

There must a whole generation growing up now who don't get these WW2 jokes. My first instinct was to think that's gas but it really does concentrate the mind......

don't mention the war........

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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