The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Mr Tibbs

Mariasofia wrote: »

A farmer in Ireland has just grown the first ever crop of vibrators.
He has a fierce problem with women claiming squatters rights though.

I bet it was it a sit down protest.

oldyouth

Mariasofia wrote: »

A farmer in Ireland has just grown the first ever crop of vibrators.
He has a fierce problem with women claiming squatters rights though.

He's the only farmer who doesn't mind rabbits in his crop

chughes

EoghanIRL wrote: »

That joke made me cringe

It's only a bit of tongue in cheek.....

Hagar the Nice.

oldyouth wrote: »

He's the only farmer who doesn't mind rabbits in his crop

What will go brrrrrrr first during winter,the women or rabbits?

Hagar the Nice.

Comer1 wrote: »

He's right! How embarrassing. We must be the laughing stock of the forum.

We seriously need a mod to change the thread title to "Best joke ye ever heard SO FAR." That should cover us.

That's the funniest joke I've seen on here ..........so far.:)

WilyCoyote

Recently I was asked by a friend if I had any any joke about boards.ie. Sadly I replied in the negative - explaining that they were beyond a joke.

Capt'n Midnight

I was telling my sister that I made a car out of spaghetti...

She didn't believe me until I drove pasta

veryangryman

roosterman71 wrote: »

Guy rings his boss in work
"Hey, I won't be in today, I'm sick"
Boss: "Ah now, how sick are ya?"
Guy: "I'm in bed with my sister"

That's my joke! Ill kill you!!

patmac

[QUOTE=veryangryman;85621551]That's my joke! Ill kill you!![/QUOTE]

Calm down

_dublinlad_

Did ya hear about the farmer that died the other day? .... There was a big turnip at his funeral.

Hagar the Nice.

Has anyone seen Witchie,I'm sure she's floating about on here somewhere.

Hagar the Nice.

My mrs said she was leaving me because of my obsession with football.

Which is a shame really....

We had been together 9 seasons.

Hagar the Nice.

Every time I turn my PC on, the monitor swells up, the screen goes all black, and the speakers start churning out terribly sad music. Got to be expected though - it's a Dell.

Hagar the Nice.

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know
that they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes
to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up
to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want
to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well
Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies
"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there
nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge
grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a
job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Jenny makes £5 a week and I make £10 aweek. That's about £60 a
month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so
much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come
up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you
have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question
for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little
ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky
so far..."

Hagar the Nice.

My mate just called me from Thailand and told me that he'd had his first ladyboy experience. I said "Sorry?" He said "I was having a beer in a bar and we got chatting. She looked like a lady, she walked like a lady and she spoke like a lady". "So how did you know she wasn't a lady?" I asked. "When we drove back to the hotel and 'she' reversed the car into the parking space on the first attempt, I knew I'd effed up".

Hagar the Nice.

A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath,although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:

"Next Monday, don't go to darts. Wait in the back garden and I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department; very generously indeed.

Then the girl went to bed and the husband came in; the wife asked:

"Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the effin' darts team hadn't"...

Hagar the Nice.

The missus bought a Paperback
down Mumbles, Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
T’was “fifty shades of grey”.

Well I just left her to it,
At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…..

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and…
Said…. I must dominate her!!

Now if you knew our Doris,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d muttered.

She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ….
I thought what the hell,
Stepped forward,
and stood on her left tit!

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one”!!

Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,….
Turned “fifty shades of Grey”

EoghanIRL

I tried sniffing coke once, But the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Dave H

The coverage of the royal baby made me think of this, although it's better said out loud.
Charles is the heir, William is the heir and the baby is the heir, but they've got fcuk all hair between them.


I'll get me coat.

Eli Nich

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

I'M REPORTING THIS POST :mad:

My uncle died that way.






















































he choked on a sock

I was like Da fish :cool: though

M5

The government have announced they are blocking access to online pornography.

What's this country coming to?

nootroc

M5 wrote: »

The government have announced they are blocking access to online pornography.

What's this country coming to?

The former financial regulator is going to be in charge

coolhull

nootroc wrote: »

The former financial regulator is going to be in charge

So we don't have to worry then.

rolliepoley

Redmond moved to London from Ireland to pursue a career in logistics. He was always bragging to his English colleagues about how great Ireland was. One co-worker, annoyed by such boasting, finally said, "Well, if Ireland's so wonderful, how come you didn't stay there?"

"Well," explained Redmond, "they're all so brilliant out there I had to come down here to have any chance of making it at all."

rolliepoley

What is the most faithful insect?

A flea, once they find someone they like they stick to them!



What insect runs away from everything?

A flee!



What is the difference between a flea and a wolf?

One prowls on the hairy and the other howls on the prairie!



What to you call a Russian flea?

A Moscow-ito!



Two fleas where running across the top of a cereal packet?

"Why are we running so fast?
" said one
Because it says "Tear along the dotted line"

What do you call a flea that lives in an idiots ear?

A space invader!



What do you get if you cross a rabbit and a flea?

Bugs Bunny!



How do you start an insect race?

One, two, flea - go!



How do you find where a flea has bitten you?

Start from scratch!



What is a flea's favorite book?

The itch-hikers guide to the galaxy!

rolliepoley

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the agent. "I love it" says the actor "When’s the audition?" "Wednesday" says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark, I hear the cannons roar". "Brilliant," says the director, "you’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening."
The actor is so happy he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up at 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar."
He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the guard. "Who the hell are you?" asks the guard. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar." "If you’re "hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Get up to makeup right now!"
So he runs up to makeup. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl. "I’m "hark I hear the cannons roar."" "If you’re hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Sit down here." And she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you’re about to go on."
He dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you?" asks the stage manager. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar."" "You’re "hark, I hear the cannons roar?" Get out there, the curtain’s about to go up."

He tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full.

Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE **** WAS THAT?"

domkk

What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?....
....Doug.

What do you call a man without a shovel on his head?.....
.....Douglas


What do you call a paki between two houses?.....
Ali!

What do you call an Indian lesbian?.......
Minjeater


And theres more ;-);-)

TheLastMohican

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old Dobermann thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep **** now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Dobermann exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?” Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!,” says the panther, “That was close! That old Dobermann nearly had me!” Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!” Now, the old Dobermann sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?,” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Dobermann says …… “Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!” Moral of this story…Don’t mess with the old dogs… Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bull **** and brilliance only come with age and experience

Kettleson

Excessive internet user dies and makes his way to the the Pearly Gates and is met by Saint Peter.

"Well" said St Peter, "what have you done with your life that has been of help to others"

"Well" said the man, I was a Moderator on Boards.ie for many years"

"Oh I see" said Saint Peter. "So why didn't you reply to my PM?

Capt'n Midnight

My boss asked me what I was doing on Sunday
"nothing" I said

then he pointed out that today wasn't Sunday