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The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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    #7562
    Busted Flat.
    Registered Users Posts: 4,003 ✭✭✭Busted Flat.


    Jim Stark wrote: »
    Guy goes to the supermarket....

    Goes to the fresh produce section and picks up two oranges, two bananas, and two red apples and puts them in his trolley....

    He then goes to the bakery and gets a loaf of bread and puts that into the trolley...

    As he is walking towards the checkout he sees '2 for 1' advertised for bags of coffee and remembers that he is out of coffee so takes two bags and puts them in his trolley...

    He's now at the checkout and there is a girl there... she takes the two oranges, scans them and puts them in a paper bag... she then takes the two bananas, scans them and puts them in the SAME paper bag... now she takes the two red apples, scans them and again puts them in the same paper bag with oranges and the bananas...

    She then takes the two bags of coffee and puts them in a new paper bag... now she picks up the loaf of bread, flips it upside down and turns it around to find the barcode but there's none... she calls for another member of staff to do a price check and a young girl comes over with long red hair. She takes the loaf of bread, goes away, and after about 20 seconds comes back and tells the checkout girl that it is only one euro.

    The girl now takes the loaf of bread and places it on top of the two bags of coffee and the guy stares at her... "Jesus you don't get a lot of dates, do you?" The checkout girl looks up at him in surprise and says "No... I don't! How did you know that??"

    The guy replies "...because you're an ugly bitch."

    That is not a joke, describing people as ugly is not a joke.


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    #7563
    Jim Stark
    Registered Users Posts: 66 ✭✭Jim Stark


    Busted Flat. wrote: »
    That is not a joke, describing people as ugly is not a joke.

    It is a joke sorry about you! Grow a brain and maybe you'll understand it.
    : ) : )


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    #7564
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    Let us pray......................
    Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
    Give me the grace to see a joke,
    To get some humor out of life,
    And pass it on to other folk


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    #7565
    Miss Demeanour
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,383 ✭✭✭Miss Demeanour


    A lap dancing club called the G-spot recently closed down in my area due to no business.........men found it too hard to find apparently........


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    #7566
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

    He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'


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    #7567
    chughes
    Registered Users Posts: 1,740 ✭✭✭chughes


    Miss Demeanour wrote: »
    A lap dancing club called the G-spot recently closed down in my area due to no business.........men found it too hard to find apparently........
    Maybe they couldn't find it because it doesn't really exist.... :)


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    #7568
    3rdDegree
    Registered Users Posts: 1,261 ✭✭✭3rdDegree


    Mr Tibbs wrote: »
    A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm and says to the owner
    I'd like to buy a horth. What kind of horse would you like
    A female horth

    So the owner shows him a mare. Nithe horth can I see her eyeth
    The owner lifts the dwarf up and shows him the horses eyes.
    Nice eyeth, can I see her teeth

    So the owner lifts him up and shows him the horses teeth
    Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth
    The owner getting a bit agitated lifts up the dwarf and shows him the horses ears.

    Nithe eerth, can I see her twot. Really pissed off now the owner picks up the dwarf lifts the horses tail and shoves his head in holding him there for a few seconds before leaving him down
    Shaking his head, the dwarf says, pewhat's I should weefwaze that.

    Can I see her wun awound

    I don't get it. Why does he start off with a lisp on his S's and ends with one on his R's? Did I miss something?


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    #7569
    eisenberg1
    Registered Users Posts: 5,387 ✭✭✭eisenberg1


    3rdDegree wrote: »
    I don't get it. Why does he start off with a lisp on his S's and ends with one on his R's? Did I miss something?

    I only noticed that now that you drew attention to it. But I think the "R" thing is what is known as an R lisp.


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    #7570
    Hermy
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 11,313 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hermy


    eisenberg1 wrote: »
    I only noticed that now that you drew attention to it. But I think the "R" thing is what is known as an R lisp.

    Ah, now I get it - it's a rhotacism!!!:D:D:D

    Genealogy Forum Mod



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    #7571
    steddyeddy
    Registered Users Posts: 27,564 ✭✭✭✭steddyeddy


    Picking up my kids from school today I saw a lot of mothers with 4 x 4s. I thought to myself "they'll never use them off-road". Then I seen them trying to park.


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    #7572
    tayto lover
    Registered Users Posts: 51,577 ✭✭✭✭tayto lover


    steddyeddy wrote: »
    Picking up my kids from school today I saw a lot of mothers with 4 x 4s. I thought to myself "they'll never use them off-road". Then I seen them trying to park.

    Saw this the other day - :D:D

    http://forums.jetphotos.net/showthread.php?p=504309

    (Sorry ladies)


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    #7573
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,811 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    tayto lover wrote: »
    (Sorry ladies)
    *Dusts off* this one



    Car Parking

    The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova ‘Swing’ on 12th October 1993.

    She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.

    Incorrect Driving

    The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987.

    Dr. Thorn noticed a burning smell two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels.

    This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.

    From The Joy of Sexism, John Broon Publishing Ltd., London


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    #7574
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out
    Don't you mean the "handbag handle" :P


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    #7575
    branie2
    Registered Users Posts: 10,295 ✭✭✭✭branie2


    What's the best thing to take if you're run down?

    The number of the car that hit you


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    #7576
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    A police officer called the station on his radio.
    "I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
    "Have you arrested the woman?"
    "Not yet. The floor's still wet."


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    #7577
    FortySeven
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,296 ✭✭✭FortySeven


    I see Osama bin Laden has a new cookbook out.
    How to make a big apple crumble in twenty minutes.


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    #7578
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out.


    Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

    He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

    When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

    When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

    Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

    "The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

    You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."


    After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career".


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    #7579
    foxy farmer
    Registered Users Posts: 3,194 ✭✭✭foxy farmer


    Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up." Watson look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce." Watson replies "I see millions of stars and if even a few of them have planets it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth and if that's the case they might harbour life."
    Holmes replies" No Watson the correct deduction is that someone has stolen our tent"


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    #7580
    Gloomtastic!
    Registered Users Posts: 8,337 ✭✭✭Gloomtastic!


    Two parrots sitting on a perch.

    One turns to the other and says 'Can you smell fish?'


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    #7581
    Hagar7
    Registered Users Posts: 724 ✭✭✭Hagar7


    Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.


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    #7582
    Hagar7
    Registered Users Posts: 724 ✭✭✭Hagar7


    chughes wrote: »
    Maybe they couldn't find it because it doesn't really exist.... :)
    Oh oh oh yessssssssss it does.:)


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    #7583
    fr336
    Registered Users Posts: 10,179 ✭✭✭✭fr336


    Oldie but goodie

    A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

    The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

    The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

    Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.

    The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

    The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

    Confused, the bartender says no.

    "Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"


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    #7584
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    Senility.

    An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'


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    #7585
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    Senility.

    An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'


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    #7586
    Mr Tibbs
    Registered Users Posts: 420 ✭✭Mr Tibbs


    Paddy rang the midwife. Come quickly The wife is about to have the baby

    How dilated is she
    Jaysus girl we're both over the moon


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    #7587
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A woman was walking down the road when she spotted any elderly lady sitting down, not wearing any knickers, and eating a watermelon.

    She asked the elderly lady, "Is it cooler without any knickers?"


    To which she replied, "No, but it keeps the flies off my watermelon".

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #7588
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    For a class project, a college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes.

    "All blonde girls are dumb!" yells a boy in the back.

    "Sony!" Yells the blonde girl in the front.


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    #7589
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    For a class project, a college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes.

    "All blonde girls are dumb!" yells a boy in the back.

    "Sony!" Yells the blonde girl in the front.


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    #7590
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    SPAGHETTI LOVE STORY
    For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
    One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
    Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
    Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
    She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
    One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
    'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
    'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
    The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
    On the card was written:

    Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

    Three with meatballs, two without.
    Send extra sauce.


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    #7591
    Mr Tibbs
    Registered Users Posts: 420 ✭✭Mr Tibbs


    A university writing class were given an excercise
    To write a short a short story, using these three subjects
    Religion, sex and mystery

    The winning entry went as follows

    Oh my God I'm pregnant, I wonder who done it


This discussion has been closed.
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