The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

rolliepoley

I've got no problems buying tampons: I'm a modern man. But apparently they're not a 'proper present'

MonkieSocks

rolliepoley wrote: »

I've got no problems buying tampons: I'm a modern man. But apparently they're not a 'proper present'

It's OK to buy them around the Christmas Period

blade1

MonkieSocks wrote: »

It's OK to buy them around the Christmas Period

Or on Bloody Sunday.

paulbok

Menas wrote: »

Shamlessly taken from the Top jokes at this years Edinburgh......"I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free."

I just deleted all the Spanish names off my phone, now there's no Juan left on it

chughes

rolliepoley wrote: »

I've got no problems buying tampons: I'm a modern man. But apparently they're not a 'proper present'

MonkieSocks wrote: »

It's OK to buy them around the Christmas Period

blade1 wrote: »

Or on Bloody Sunday.

If any of you guys are interested, I can get you tampons at a hugely discounted price, no strings attached.....

blade1

chughes wrote: »

If any of you guys are interested, I can get you tampons at a hugely discounted price, no strings attached.....

What's the catch so??:D

MonkieSocks

How do confuse an Archaeologist.













Give em a Used Tampon and ask him from what Period it came from!

Why do these bloody crayons only come in one colour!

huey1975

What's the difference between a rabbit and a hare?

You can't grow rabbits on your balls!!

EoghanIRL

Condoms

1272AD - Arab Muslims invent the first condoms using the lower intestine of goats.

1856AD - English farmers improve on the idea by first removing the intestine from the goat.

johnny osbourne

there was a woman down in cork and she was pregnant,

her son who is 3 or 4 walks into the kitchen and says " mammy, whats that lump on your belly?"

the mammy says " it's a baby, your daddy gave it to me"

the young lad walks down to the sitting room and says to the daddy " daddy, did u give mammy a baby?"

"i did" says the daddy

"well, she's after atin' it"

Hotblack Desiato

Menas wrote: »

Shamlessly taken from the Top jokes at this years Edinburgh......"I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free."

Must be some load of sh1te if that's the best they can do

Michael D Not Higgins

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Must be some load of sh1te if that's the best they can do

I preferred Karl Spain's joke.

Down the gym the lads call me Gerry Adams.
I've been a member for years but there's no proof.

EoghanIRL

^^
You win.

rolliepoley

I've written a book about a young girl who takes drugs and encounters all kinds of strange creatures talking in almost incomprehensible dialect. It ends up with her getting pregnant and becoming a single mother, living on a ****ty estate and surviving on benefits.



It's called "Alice in Sunderland".

MonkieSocks

Saw my mate the other day.................he's only got one arm.


"Where you off to?" I shouted.

"To change a light bulb", he said.

"That's going to be awkward isn't it?"

"Not really..." he says,










"I've got the receipt"

Capt'n Midnight

Went on a date with a librarian last night, she cost me a fortune.


My own fault really, keeping her out too long.

I once went out with a fat girl, she had more chins than a Chinese phone book!

branie2

What's the difference between Mayo and a bra?

Both have support, but Mayo has no cups

wylie

A young man starts a new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First he has to clear the weeds from the exotic fish pool. As he does this, a piranha jumps out and bites him. In a panic, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of cleaning out the primate house, he is attacked by two aggressive chimpanzees, who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes wildly at the two chimps with his spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, of course, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by a swarm of angry bees. He grabs the spade and smashes several of them to a pulp. He throws them into the lion enclosure, because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and asks, "What's the food like here?"

The lion replies: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."

rolliepoley

https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/v/t1.0-9/11889557_10207101990769599_2349526096477583719_n.jpg?oh=26f89ec6bb8ee1d3f531a4d0859636c6&oe=563B0596


So, I was walking and I saw a "Muslim Book Store." I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in. As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims?"

The clerk said, "F*ck off, get out and stay out!"

I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?

rolliepoley

After living in Shanghai for 50 years a Chinese man decides to move to Australia.

He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.

A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the

New guy to the region.

He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his

Front yard chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt any Chinese custom, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it.

Not wanting to interrupt another Chinese custom, he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put an ear next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs ? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens.

The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's arse, it could just about **** on you.'

The Chinese man is very taken back and says, ' Sorry sir, you no understand.. These no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.''

What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs................

'Yes they are', replied the Chinese man, 'travel agent man say to become true blue Australian, I must learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull s**t.'

Hagar7

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Must be some load of sh1te if that's the best they can do

My son and daughter went to the Embra Fest,saw around 10/11 shows in two days.
I asked them who they thought was the funniest,they both went to see comedians,and without hesitation they both replied Ed Byrne without a doubt.
So the other day I sat thru almost an hour and a half of his stuff and I waited and waited and waited for a funny story without success.
Maybe it's just me but I don't know what all the fuss is about,I,d never heard of him before and wish tae God I hadn't,I think he's awful.

Salvation Tambourine

The invention of the shovel is ground breaking.

Busted Flat.

Nokotan wrote: »

The invention of the shovel is ground breaking.

It was the pick.

blade1

Nokotan wrote: »

The invention of the shovel is ground breaking.

Busted Flat. wrote: »

It was the pick.

What was the shovel so?

Earth Moving???:D

tayto lover

We're going to get a rake of gardening puns now.

Sunnyisland

BREAKING NEWS

A man who took an airline to court after his luggage went missing, has lost his case .

bonzodog2

tayto lover wrote: »

We're going to get a rake of gardening puns now.

Too soon, for fork's sake. HoeHoeHoe!

tayto lover

bonzodog2 wrote: »

Too soon, for fork's sake. HoeHoeHoe!

Ah the mower the better.