The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Nodster

What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?


Ones very heavy, the others a little lighter

Akrasia

myshirt wrote: »

And so, my wedding speech began:

''I have spent a lot of time on YouTube listening to inspirational speeches in preparation for this.

So here we go:

"Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein Fuhrer!"

I went with the simpsons reference

'Websters defines wedding as the process of removing weeds'

Nobody laughed, but afterwards, one person told me it was the funniest thing he had ever seen so it was worth it.

Menas

Shamlessly taken from the Top jokes at this years Edinburgh......"I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free."

rizzodun

Akrasia wrote: »

I went with the simpsons reference

'Websters defines wedding as the process of removing weeds'

Nobody laughed, but afterwards, one person told me it was the funniest thing he had ever seen so it was worth it.

I did Santa for a friend's wedding last Christmas, she's from Donegal and they have a habit of calling kids 'wains' which I've teased her about for years calling her kids 'Wayne'.

When I came in I said how she asked she wanted me to hand out presents to the wains but I checked my list and there isn't a single Wayne in the room. The joke went down like a lead balloon, she wasn't too impressed and it made the wedding DVD. My finest hour.

jimgoose

Menas wrote: »

Shamlessly taken from the Top jokes at this years Edinburgh......"I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free."

Presumably it was on the Fritz before that. <Badum-TISSHHH!!>

BUBBLES1978

whats the difference between a "Hippo" and a "Zippo"???


one is really heavy, the other is a little lighter!!!

coolhull

^^
see about seven posts back

valoren

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met - Rodney Dangerfield.

Loopy

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, what are you gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY ! I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any theft insurance I left my wallet in the cab I took home where I found my wife in bed with another man and then my dog bit me. "

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I toss down three drinks in a row, then I buy another.

I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve.

Then you show up and drink the whole thing! But, enough about me. How are you doing?"

MetalDog

An ould fella is driving down a quiet country road one night when he notices the blue lights of the squad car in his mirror, so he pulls over and winds down his window as the garda approaches.

The garda looks in at him, and says "Do you realise your wife is after falling out the passenger door 500 yards back down the road?"

The man looks back at the garda , and his face lights up...

"Ahh thank fuck", he says... "I thought I was after going deaf!"

rolliepoley

I've got no problems buying tampons: I'm a modern man. But apparently they're not a 'proper present'

MonkieSocks

rolliepoley wrote: »

I've got no problems buying tampons: I'm a modern man. But apparently they're not a 'proper present'

It's OK to buy them around the Christmas Period

blade1

MonkieSocks wrote: »

It's OK to buy them around the Christmas Period

Or on Bloody Sunday.

paulbok

Menas wrote: »

Shamlessly taken from the Top jokes at this years Edinburgh......"I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free."

I just deleted all the Spanish names off my phone, now there's no Juan left on it

chughes

rolliepoley wrote: »

I've got no problems buying tampons: I'm a modern man. But apparently they're not a 'proper present'

MonkieSocks wrote: »

It's OK to buy them around the Christmas Period

blade1 wrote: »

Or on Bloody Sunday.

If any of you guys are interested, I can get you tampons at a hugely discounted price, no strings attached.....

blade1

chughes wrote: »

If any of you guys are interested, I can get you tampons at a hugely discounted price, no strings attached.....

What's the catch so??:D

MonkieSocks

How do confuse an Archaeologist.













Give em a Used Tampon and ask him from what Period it came from!

Why do these bloody crayons only come in one colour!

huey1975

What's the difference between a rabbit and a hare?

You can't grow rabbits on your balls!!

EoghanIRL

Condoms

1272AD - Arab Muslims invent the first condoms using the lower intestine of goats.

1856AD - English farmers improve on the idea by first removing the intestine from the goat.

johnny osbourne

there was a woman down in cork and she was pregnant,

her son who is 3 or 4 walks into the kitchen and says " mammy, whats that lump on your belly?"

the mammy says " it's a baby, your daddy gave it to me"

the young lad walks down to the sitting room and says to the daddy " daddy, did u give mammy a baby?"

"i did" says the daddy

"well, she's after atin' it"

Hotblack Desiato

Menas wrote: »

Shamlessly taken from the Top jokes at this years Edinburgh......"I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free."

Must be some load of sh1te if that's the best they can do

Michael D Not Higgins

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Must be some load of sh1te if that's the best they can do

I preferred Karl Spain's joke.

Down the gym the lads call me Gerry Adams.
I've been a member for years but there's no proof.

EoghanIRL

^^
You win.

rolliepoley

I've written a book about a young girl who takes drugs and encounters all kinds of strange creatures talking in almost incomprehensible dialect. It ends up with her getting pregnant and becoming a single mother, living on a ****ty estate and surviving on benefits.



It's called "Alice in Sunderland".

MonkieSocks

Saw my mate the other day.................he's only got one arm.


"Where you off to?" I shouted.

"To change a light bulb", he said.

"That's going to be awkward isn't it?"

"Not really..." he says,










"I've got the receipt"

Capt'n Midnight

Went on a date with a librarian last night, she cost me a fortune.


My own fault really, keeping her out too long.

I once went out with a fat girl, she had more chins than a Chinese phone book!

branie2

What's the difference between Mayo and a bra?

Both have support, but Mayo has no cups

wylie

A young man starts a new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First he has to clear the weeds from the exotic fish pool. As he does this, a piranha jumps out and bites him. In a panic, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of cleaning out the primate house, he is attacked by two aggressive chimpanzees, who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes wildly at the two chimps with his spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, of course, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by a swarm of angry bees. He grabs the spade and smashes several of them to a pulp. He throws them into the lion enclosure, because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and asks, "What's the food like here?"

The lion replies: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."