The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

MY PRIVATE PART DIED

An old man, Mr.. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied,
'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pyjamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your pyjamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pyjamas?'
(You've gotta love this.)
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

Miss Demeanour

New doctor reviews 89 year old patients notes and says.... "I notice you have been on birth control pills for a few years and to be quite honest I dont believe you need them!"
She replies "they help me sleep"
He says "they have no proven sleep enducing help whatsover!"
She replies unblinkingly "crushed into my 17 year old granddaughters cornflakes each morn........I sleep like a log!!!!!!!"

MonkieSocks

I masturbated over an ex-girlfriend last night...............I know its wrong






















But I still have a key and she's a heavy sleeper

rolliepoley

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.
He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.

wesleysniper38

A sexy brunette approached me at a niteclub last night.

"Wanna buy me a few drinks" she said.

"Of course!" I replied and shot straight to the bar..

After she drank 4 Brandy and Baileys in 15 minutes I said to her:

"I bet you're the type of girl who uses men to buy you drink and give nothing in return"
"Ha Ha you've figured me out, now I've gotta go.." she said with a smirk.

"Ah Ah not this time" I said .....

As I waved an empty Rohypnol packet in her face

Micky Dolenz

I don't know what's worse, the unnecessary use of spoiler tags or a lame rape "joke".

MonkieSocks

The Mother Superior was talking to the rest of the nuns........


"We have a case of Chlamydia in the convent"

A very old nun at the back replied..


"I hope its better than that Chardonnay we had last week"

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blistery day.

The daughter said to her mother,
'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied,
'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,
'My hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied ,
'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said,
'My nose is cold.'

The girl replied
'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'

He did and warmed his nose.

The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said,
'My penis is frozen solid...'


The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again,
And she asks,
' Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Concerned the mother said,
'Why yes..... Why do you ask?'

The daughter replies,
'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!'

Curly Judge

A friend hosted a dinner party for family and everyone was encouraged to
bring all their children as well.
All during the sit-down dinner one four-year-old girl stared at her uncle
sitting across from her.The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
The uncle checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place but
nothing stopped her from staring at him.
He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him.
He finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went
quiet for her response.
The little girl said "I just want to see how you drink like a fish."

wesleysniper38

Micky Dolenz wrote: »

I don't know what's worse, the unnecessary use of spoiler tags or a lame rape "joke".

Who mentioned rape ?

You twisted fcuk

Comer1

MonkieSocks wrote: »

The Mother Superior was talking to the rest of the nuns........


"We have a case of Chlamydia in the convent"

A very old nun at the back replied..


"I hope its better than that Chardonnay we had last week"

A young nun had just entered the enclosed convent a few days when she went to the old mother superior, who had been there since her teens.

"Mother Superior," she whispered, "this is a bit embarrassing but I need tampax."

"Tampax?!" the Mother Superior shouted, "you will not, you can have wheatabix just like everybody else!"

MonkieSocks

My girlfriend said I should let my feminine side show a bit more often.


So I reversed the car into a bus stop,

shouted at her for no reason,

spent two hours in the bathroom - coming out looking exactly as I did when I went in

and checked her entire Laptop for Porn.



She wasn't amused.

SVJKarate

WARNING

There is an email in widespread circulation around the internet at the moment with an attachment which it claims is a video of Kanye West singing Bohemian Rhapsody.

If you receive this email, DO NOT OPEN the attachment.

It is a video of Kanye West singing Bohemian Rhapsody.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sD7P9iPkCes

fleet_admiral

Can gay people keep a straight face?

Capt'n Midnight

I bought a 50 Cent CD today.

He's selling other stuff too.

MetalDog

It'll soon be illegal for Americans to have a Confederate flag on the back of their pick-up trucks. . .

. . . Which will make it much harder for aliens to know who to abduct.

Niemoj

What's the different between America and yogurt?


Yogurt will develop a culture after 300 years.

Hagar7

I'm so tough I once strangled 5 guys just by using a cordless telephone.

Capt'n Midnight

Tim Farron is the new leader of the Lib Dems.

For those of you asking "Who?" it's a political party in the UK.






My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe.

2 minutes later he said, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?"

I said, "Because we're still in Tallaght."

Two Sheds

What has four legs and flies?

A dead horse

Hagar7

Two Sheds wrote: »

What has four legs and flies?

A dead horse

Some clowns on this thread who keep using spoilers?

Two Sheds

Hagar7 wrote: »

Some clowns on this thread who keep using spoilers?

Hilarious!:)

Have you any more?

Meteorite58

What's Blonde and intelligent ?

A Golden Retriever.

coolhull

I went to the library to get a medical book on abdominal pain.

Somebody had ripped the appendix out.

MonkieSocks

There's nothing worse after sex, than looking down and finding a broken condom hanging off your Micky........... especially when you weren't wearing one.

CALL THE POLICE -WHEN YOU'RE OLD, AND YOU DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"

George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence,
and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story)*

Don't mess with old people

*probably a made up quote. :P

King George VI

What do you get when you shoot four bullets into a six pack?

A Tupac..

JCX BXC

Kay Burley goes to into Easons......
"Do you do chips here"
"No, this is a book shop"
"why don't you do chips"
"Because"
"why do you hate chips"

byronbay2

Hagar7 wrote: »

I'm so tough I once strangled 5 guys just by using a cordless telephone.

That's the best joke you ever heard??

Carnacalla wrote: »

Kay Burley goes to into Easons......
"Do you do chips here"
"No, this is a book shop"
"why don't you do chips"
"Because"
"why do you hate chips"

I don't get it.

This incredibly non-PC "joke" may have been mentioned already - I haven't read the entire thread:

A woman has just given birth and is recuperating in hospital after a long and arduous delivery. A doctor approaches with a concerned look on his face:
'Mrs Murphy, I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news - which would you prefer first?' She asks for the bad news first.
With a look of pity, the doctor reveals that: 'Unfortunately, your baby has been born a ginger.'
The woman smiles and emits a huge sigh of relief. She then remembers to ask 'what's the good news'?
'It died'!

eisenberg1

byronbay2 wrote: »

That's the best joke you ever heard??




I don't get it.

This incredibly non-PC "joke" may have been mentioned already - I haven't read the entire thread:

A woman has just given birth and is recuperating in hospital after a long and arduous delivery. A doctor approaches with a concerned look on his face:
'Mrs Murphy, I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news - which would you prefer first?' She asks for the bad news first.
With a look of pity, the doctor reveals that: 'Unfortunately, your baby has been born a ginger.'
The woman smiles and emits a huge sigh of relief. She then remembers to ask 'what's the good news'?
'It died'!

You were doing so well, and then you told your "joke".

That's a new low.