The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

tayto lover

steddyeddy wrote: »

Picking up my kids from school today I saw a lot of mothers with 4 x 4s. I thought to myself "they'll never use them off-road". Then I seen them trying to park.

Saw this the other day - :D

http://forums.jetphotos.net/showthread.php?p=504309

(Sorry ladies)

Capt'n Midnight

tayto lover wrote: »

(Sorry ladies)

*Dusts off* this one



Car Parking

The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova ‘Swing’ on 12th October 1993.

She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.

Incorrect Driving

The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987.

Dr. Thorn noticed a burning smell two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels.

This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.

From The Joy of Sexism, John Broon Publishing Ltd., London

This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out

Don't you mean the "handbag handle" :P

branie2

What's the best thing to take if you're run down?

The number of the car that hit you

A police officer called the station on his radio.
"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"Not yet. The floor's still wet."

FortySeven

I see Osama bin Laden has a new cookbook out.

How to make a big apple crumble in twenty minutes.

rolliepoley

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out.


Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."


After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

foxy farmer

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up." Watson look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce." Watson replies "I see millions of stars and if even a few of them have planets it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth and if that's the case they might harbour life."
Holmes replies" No Watson the correct deduction is that someone has stolen our tent"

Gloomtastic!

Two parrots sitting on a perch.

One turns to the other and says 'Can you smell fish?'

Hagar7

Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.

Hagar7

chughes wrote: »

Maybe they couldn't find it because it doesn't really exist....

Oh oh oh yessssssssss it does.:)

fr336

Oldie but goodie

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

rolliepoley

Senility.

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

rolliepoley

Senility.

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

Mr Tibbs

Paddy rang the midwife. Come quickly The wife is about to have the baby

How dilated is she
Jaysus girl we're both over the moon

MonkieSocks

A woman was walking down the road when she spotted any elderly lady sitting down, not wearing any knickers, and eating a watermelon.

She asked the elderly lady, "Is it cooler without any knickers?"


To which she replied, "No, but it keeps the flies off my watermelon".

rolliepoley

For a class project, a college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes.

"All blonde girls are dumb!" yells a boy in the back.

"Sony!" Yells the blonde girl in the front.

rolliepoley

For a class project, a college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes.

"All blonde girls are dumb!" yells a boy in the back.

"Sony!" Yells the blonde girl in the front.

SPAGHETTI LOVE STORY
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.

Mr Tibbs

A university writing class were given an excercise
To write a short a short story, using these three subjects
Religion, sex and mystery

The winning entry went as follows

Oh my God I'm pregnant, I wonder who done it

Hermy

rolliepoley wrote: »

For a class project, a college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes.

"All blonde girls are dumb!" yells a boy in the back.

"Sony!" Yells the blonde girl in the front.

I don't get it. Please asplain.:o

Hermy

Hermy wrote: »

I don't get it. Please asplain:o

Name a stereo type (type of stereo).

Sony.

TheBody

Hermy wrote: »

I don't get it. Please asplain.:o

Sony is a type of stereo!

Menas

Hermy wrote: »

I don't get it. Please asplain.:o

Stereotype =>Type of stereo => Sony.

chewed

Hermy wrote: »

I don't get it. Please asplain.:o

What colour hair do you have Hermy?

Presume it's been told a few times here, but it's still a good one.

Guy goes to the doctor, who checks him and say "I'm afraid you'll have to stop masturbating".

"Why doc, why?", asks the distraught patient.

The doc replies "because I'm trying to examine you".

Hermy

chewed wrote: »

What colour hair do you have Hermy?

But that's against the charter!:eek:

Hagar7

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he has a bright orange penis.

The doctor takes a look and sure enough, the man's penis is bright orange.
The doctor asks the man about his daily habits to see if he could get a clue about the cause of the malady.

The man says "My day is pretty normal. I get up in the morning and go to work. My work is at a desk in an office so I dont come into contact with any strange chemicals.
I come home after work, make my self dinner, watch a little TV then get ready for bed."

The doctor asks "Do you do anything before bed?"
The man says "Nothing unusual doc,I just eat Cheetos and surf the web.

MonkieSocks

At 7 AM, a lone wife hears a key in the front door.

She wanders down, bleary eyed, to find her husband in the kitchen – drunk, with ruffled hair and lipstick on his collar.

"I assume," she snarls, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at seven in the morning?"




"Yes," he replies. ‘Breakfast

rolliepoley

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it..'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should
write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'