The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Hermy

rolliepoley wrote: »

For a class project, a college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes.

"All blonde girls are dumb!" yells a boy in the back.

"Sony!" Yells the blonde girl in the front.

I don't get it. Please asplain.:o

Hermy

Hermy wrote: »

I don't get it. Please asplain:o

Name a stereo type (type of stereo).

Sony.

TheBody

Hermy wrote: »

I don't get it. Please asplain.:o

Sony is a type of stereo!

Menas

Hermy wrote: »

I don't get it. Please asplain.:o

Stereotype =>Type of stereo => Sony.

chewed

Hermy wrote: »

I don't get it. Please asplain.:o

What colour hair do you have Hermy?

Presume it's been told a few times here, but it's still a good one.

Guy goes to the doctor, who checks him and say "I'm afraid you'll have to stop masturbating".

"Why doc, why?", asks the distraught patient.

The doc replies "because I'm trying to examine you".

Hermy

chewed wrote: »

What colour hair do you have Hermy?

But that's against the charter!:eek:

Hagar7

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he has a bright orange penis.

The doctor takes a look and sure enough, the man's penis is bright orange.
The doctor asks the man about his daily habits to see if he could get a clue about the cause of the malady.

The man says "My day is pretty normal. I get up in the morning and go to work. My work is at a desk in an office so I dont come into contact with any strange chemicals.
I come home after work, make my self dinner, watch a little TV then get ready for bed."

The doctor asks "Do you do anything before bed?"
The man says "Nothing unusual doc,I just eat Cheetos and surf the web.

MonkieSocks

At 7 AM, a lone wife hears a key in the front door.

She wanders down, bleary eyed, to find her husband in the kitchen – drunk, with ruffled hair and lipstick on his collar.

"I assume," she snarls, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at seven in the morning?"




"Yes," he replies. ‘Breakfast

rolliepoley

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it..'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should
write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

AdamB

My missus is so strange!
She starts every conversation with "Are you even listening to me?!?"

coolhull

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

rolliepoley

My girlfriend bought a home waxing kit the other day. She asked me if she should just do the sides or leave a strip down the middle. I said I would prefer it if she didn't have a moustache at all.

coolhull

It's been over a fortnight now since my wife left me because of my obsession with Sinead O'Connor.

In fact, it's been seven hours and fifteen days.....

Galway K9

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

Paddy rang the midwife. Come quickly The wife is about to have the baby

How dilated is she
Jaysus girl we're both over the moon

I don't get this? Help?

rizzodun

Galway K9 wrote: »

I don't get this? Help?

Don't worry, you'll be delighted when it finally comes to you

coolhull

https://us.v-cdn.net/6034073/uploads/attachments/575025/358954.JPG

TheChevron

Last year when I was finished painting the fence I put the left over Ronseal in an old jam jar.

I just found it in the shed and I havent a fecking clue what it's supposed to do.

Bowlardo

Galway K9 wrote: »

I don't get this? Help?

Delighted dilated

rolliepoley

A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting

Fallschirmjager

one i read recently and used in the US Parachute divisions during training with all new recruits:

Sgt: Look dont worry if your parachute doesn't open, you have the rest of your life to figure something out.

coolhull

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

Wait for it

The blonde said,
"No, just up to my tits ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"

Dard23

coolhull wrote:

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits ... I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"

That made me laugh after a s#*t day, thanks!

Busted Flat.

Captain on the Titanic decided to check on his men, he asked Paddy have you seen anything unusual tonight he replied yes sir a seagull, that does not concern me said the Captain, but Captain he is perched on an iceberg.

bronn

David Beckham is in London and is being interviewed by Gary Lineker for Match of the Day. Becks has been in Japan for a month establishing a new wonder team. Becks yacks on and on and how enthusiastic the players are, how wonderful Tokyo is and how utterly amazing the hotel was. "It was just astonishing," he says. "Their attention to detail, the food, my god it was paradise. Really it was. Everyone should go there at least once in their life. I hope you've been. It's a once in a lifetime thing."

Lineker is somewhat taken aback by Beckham's enthusiasm for a hotel. "Well, it sounds like you had a wonderful time. What's the name of the hotel?"

Becks frowns for a moment, "What's the name of that big train station in London?"

Lineker is nonplussed but decides to go along with it. "Paddington?"

"Nahhh!! The other one!"

"Errr... Liverpool Street?"

Becks is getting cross. "Oh come on, mate! The big station! It's famous!"

Lineker hasn't a clue what the hell this is about but tries once more. "Victoria?"

"THAT'S IT! Victoria? What's the name of that hotel we wuz staying in in Japan, love?"

MonkieSocks

The lesbians next door bought me a Rolex for my birthday.











I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch...

sparksfly

Paddy and Mick have no money but desperately want a few pints. They scrape 60c between them. "Watch this" say's paddy as he goes into the butcher shop. He emerges with a sausage. Mick then follows paddy into the bar where paddy orders two pints.

When the pints are drank paddy pushes the sausage through his fly and asks the protesting mick to suck it. The barman is totally disgusted and throws them out.

Ten pubs and pints later mick says "**** this paddy, my knees cant take any more of this.

"Your knees" exclaims paddy, we lost the sausage after the second pint.

JCX BXC

sparksfly wrote: »

Paddy and Mick have no money but desperately want a few pints. They scrape 60c between them. "Watch this" say's paddy as he goes into the butcher shop. He emerges with a sausage. Mick then follows paddy into the bar where paddy orders two pints.

When the pints are drank paddy pushes the sausage through his fly and asks the protesting mick to suck it. The barman is totally disgusted and throws them out.

Ten pubs and pints later mick says "**** this paddy, my knees cant take any more of this.

"Your knees" exclaims paddy, we lost the sausage after the second pint.

That just has to have been posted here recently..... Right?

fr336

Carnacalla wrote: »

That just has to have been posted here recently..... Right?

Affirm, fr336

myshirt

And so, my wedding speech began:

''I have spent a lot of time on YouTube listening to inspirational speeches in preparation for this.

So here we go:

"Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein Fuhrer!"