The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

tayto lover

tayto lover wrote: »

It was better the first time you told it

Bloody train got shunted, hhhit the key too many times ! :P

Hagar7

EoghanIRL wrote: »

^^ good one.

Ahem,you do know there'll be a thank you card at your doorstep tomorrow morn and a dozen guys doing community service.:)

sm213

The hardest part of Grandma's dementia was slowly watching her forget about dre.

Miss Demeanour

Have you heard about the man caught masturbating in the newsagents?
No!? I'm surprised.........!
It was all over the papers!

MonkieSocks

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says,

'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'


The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.

You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'


















'So I just switched the heads.'

Capt'n Midnight

"Update the force, Luke"

Adobe Wan Kenobi

branie2

What does Luke Skywalker shave with?

A laser blade

lulu1

The teacher was asking the class to make up a sentence with the word contagious

Mary put up her hand and said

Mammy told our neighbor that daddy is painting the fence but will take the contagious

Hermy

That joke seems to be contagious.:D

Mr Tibbs

Steven Spielberg is in the process of making a new film about Osama Bin Laden, similar to "Ground Day"
The plot of the film is to kill him and resurrect him everyday.
It's to be called "RYCLING BIN"

rolliepoley

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

wylie

Whats black orange and dead.......

My Duracell batteries

rolliepoley

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

rolliepoley

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

Mr Tibbs

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm and says to the owner
I'd like to buy a horth. What kind of horse would you like
A female horth

So the owner shows him a mare. Nithe horth can I see her eyeth
The owner lifts the dwarf up and shows him the horses eyes.
Nice eyeth, can I see her teeth

So the owner lifts him up and shows him the horses teeth
Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth
The owner getting a bit agitated lifts up the dwarf and shows him the horses ears.

Nithe eerth, can I see her twot. Really pissed off now the owner picks up the dwarf lifts the horses tail and shoves his head in holding him there for a few seconds before leaving him down
Shaking his head, the dwarf says, pewhat's I should weefwaze that.

Can I see her wun awound

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question,

'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?'
Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'
'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'
Johnny said: “Well, I walked past Mum and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mum had her legs up in the air and she was saying:
'Oh God! I'm coming!'
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her.”

The nun had to leave the room.

coolhull

If a man speaks in the forest, and there's no woman there to hear him,..... Is he still wrong?

Mr Tibbs

I received a phone call from Irish Water this morning, the girl on the other end said my bill was outstanding.
Why thank you I said and hung up

Merrion

An old man went to his teenaged grandson's bedroom.

He said; "You spend all your time up here playing computer games. You should be out there, living life, seeing things, doing things, finding out what life is all about.

When I was your age, when I was 18, I went to Paris. I went to the Moulin Rouge. I drank all the booze and refused to pay for it. I took all the women and I beat up the bar man. That's what life is all about. Having adventures."

He went back a few days later and the boy is sitting there with his arm in a sling and a black eye. "What happened?," asked the old man.

"Well, I went to Paris. I went to the Moulin Rouge. I drank all the booze and refused to pay for it.I took all the women, then three bar men beat me up and threw me out."

"Oh," said the old man. "I'm sorry to hear the, who did you go with?"

"I went with me mates. Who did you go with?"

"The sixth panzer division."

Jim Stark

Guy goes to the supermarket....

Goes to the fresh produce section and picks up two oranges, two bananas, and two red apples and puts them in his trolley....

He then goes to the bakery and gets a loaf of bread and puts that into the trolley...

As he is walking towards the checkout he sees '2 for 1' advertised for bags of coffee and remembers that he is out of coffee so takes two bags and puts them in his trolley...

He's now at the checkout and there is a girl there... she takes the two oranges, scans them and puts them in a paper bag... she then takes the two bananas, scans them and puts them in the SAME paper bag... now she takes the two red apples, scans them and again puts them in the same paper bag with oranges and the bananas...

She then takes the two bags of coffee and puts them in a new paper bag... now she picks up the loaf of bread, flips it upside down and turns it around to find the barcode but there's none... she calls for another member of staff to do a price check and a young girl comes over with long red hair. She takes the loaf of bread, goes away, and after about 20 seconds comes back and tells the checkout girl that it is only one euro.

The girl now takes the loaf of bread and places it on top of the two bags of coffee and the guy stares at her... "Jesus you don't get a lot of dates, do you?" The checkout girl looks up at him in surprise and says "No... I don't! How did you know that??"

The guy replies "...because you're an ugly bitch."

Busted Flat.

Jim Stark wrote: »

Guy goes to the supermarket....

Goes to the fresh produce section and picks up two oranges, two bananas, and two red apples and puts them in his trolley....

He then goes to the bakery and gets a loaf of bread and puts that into the trolley...

As he is walking towards the checkout he sees '2 for 1' advertised for bags of coffee and remembers that he is out of coffee so takes two bags and puts them in his trolley...

He's now at the checkout and there is a girl there... she takes the two oranges, scans them and puts them in a paper bag... she then takes the two bananas, scans them and puts them in the SAME paper bag... now she takes the two red apples, scans them and again puts them in the same paper bag with oranges and the bananas...

She then takes the two bags of coffee and puts them in a new paper bag... now she picks up the loaf of bread, flips it upside down and turns it around to find the barcode but there's none... she calls for another member of staff to do a price check and a young girl comes over with long red hair. She takes the loaf of bread, goes away, and after about 20 seconds comes back and tells the checkout girl that it is only one euro.

The girl now takes the loaf of bread and places it on top of the two bags of coffee and the guy stares at her... "Jesus you don't get a lot of dates, do you?" The checkout girl looks up at him in surprise and says "No... I don't! How did you know that??"

The guy replies "...because you're an ugly bitch."

That is not a joke, describing people as ugly is not a joke.

Jim Stark

Busted Flat. wrote: »

That is not a joke, describing people as ugly is not a joke.

It is a joke sorry about you! Grow a brain and maybe you'll understand it.
: ) : )

rolliepoley

Let us pray......................
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk

Miss Demeanour

A lap dancing club called the G-spot recently closed down in my area due to no business.........men found it too hard to find apparently........

rolliepoley

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

chughes

Miss Demeanour wrote: »

A lap dancing club called the G-spot recently closed down in my area due to no business.........men found it too hard to find apparently........

Maybe they couldn't find it because it doesn't really exist....

3rdDegree

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm and says to the owner
I'd like to buy a horth. What kind of horse would you like
A female horth

So the owner shows him a mare. Nithe horth can I see her eyeth
The owner lifts the dwarf up and shows him the horses eyes.
Nice eyeth, can I see her teeth

So the owner lifts him up and shows him the horses teeth
Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth
The owner getting a bit agitated lifts up the dwarf and shows him the horses ears.

Nithe eerth, can I see her twot. Really pissed off now the owner picks up the dwarf lifts the horses tail and shoves his head in holding him there for a few seconds before leaving him down
Shaking his head, the dwarf says, pewhat's I should weefwaze that.

Can I see her wun awound

I don't get it. Why does he start off with a lisp on his S's and ends with one on his R's? Did I miss something?

eisenberg1

3rdDegree wrote: »

I don't get it. Why does he start off with a lisp on his S's and ends with one on his R's? Did I miss something?

I only noticed that now that you drew attention to it. But I think the "R" thing is what is known as an R lisp.

Hermy

eisenberg1 wrote: »

I only noticed that now that you drew attention to it. But I think the "R" thing is what is known as an R lisp.

Ah, now I get it - it's a rhotacism!!!:D:D:D

steddyeddy

Picking up my kids from school today I saw a lot of mothers with 4 x 4s. I thought to myself "they'll never use them off-road". Then I seen them trying to park.