The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Salvation Tambourine · 31-08-2015 02:29PM

tayto lover wrote: »

We're going to get a rake of gardening puns now.

The shear volume of them will be horrible

tayto lover · 31-08-2015 02:31PM

Nokotan wrote: »

The shear volume of them will be horrible

They could be very turf to read too.

Salvation Tambourine · 31-08-2015 02:36PM

tayto lover wrote: »

They could be very turf to read too.

Yeah.....I just scythe with disappointment to that...

tayto lover · 31-08-2015 02:40PM

Nokotan wrote: »

Yeah.....I just scythe with disappointment to that...

I felt like a bit of a tulip when i posted that.

thesandeman · 31-08-2015 03:07PM

tayto lover wrote: »

I felt like a bit of a tulip when i posted that.

Yeah, it's time you threw in the trowel.

tayto lover · 31-08-2015 03:13PM

thesandeman wrote: »

Yeah, it's time you threw in the trowel.

Yeah, it's lawn overdue.

Salvation Tambourine · 31-08-2015 03:16PM

tayto lover wrote: »

Yeah, it's lawn overdue.

Just like my dog being spade

looseliver · 31-08-2015 04:02PM

Nokotan wrote: »

Just like my dog being spade

We aught to shed ourselves of these puns.

coolhull · 31-08-2015 04:21PM

looseliver wrote: »

We aught to shed ourselves of these puns.

Or else someone will grass on us to the mods

thesandeman · 31-08-2015 04:24PM

coolhull wrote: »

Or else someone will grass on us to the mods

And then we will by turfed out of Boards.

tayto lover · 31-08-2015 04:25PM

Nokotan wrote: »

Just like my dog being spade

There'll be no seeds sown now.

blade1 · 31-08-2015 04:48PM

I nearly soiled myself reading these puns!

padjo5 · 31-08-2015 04:55PM

I thought there wasn't going to be any mower of them but thanks for reviving it Blade1

Banta · 31-08-2015 06:06PM

Wow this thread is just blossoming with puns.

... Sorry. I'll leaf now.

tayto lover · 31-08-2015 06:28PM

Banta wrote: »

Wow this thread is just blossoming with puns.

... Sorry. I'll leaf now.

You could branch out on your own.

31-08-2015 06:38PM

Puns for the educated!

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years
of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star
of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.
"Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star,
makes no difference who you are."

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were
avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were
destroyed in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells
bowled.

3. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one
Slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus
skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy.
The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just
goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the
sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

4 A sceptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk
remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated
that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of
constipation.
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked
him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these,
you don't need enemas."

kfallon · 31-08-2015 06:47PM

More of those dolan please

Hagar7 · 31-08-2015 06:47PM

I once sold a jumper tae Derek Acorah......he's a medium.

rizzodun · 31-08-2015 07:15PM

I was shocked to learn today I'm colourblind.
Totally out of the green...

deandean · 01-09-2015 10:20PM

To Roundup, I want to see a barrow load of those gardening puns forked out while I am still compost mentus.

Salvation Tambourine · 02-09-2015 09:38AM

deandean wrote: »

To Roundup, I want to see a barrow load of those gardening puns forked out while I am still compost mentus.

We'll just have to plough on...

rizzodun · 02-09-2015 10:04AM

Nokotan wrote: »

We'll just have to plough on...

Seriously lads, we need to bury these gardening puns, I'm having trouble weeding out the proper jokes here, keep it up and I'll grass ye up to the mods...

michael.dublin · 02-09-2015 12:16PM

There was man who had a terrible passion for eating baked beans, but always got an embarrassing lively reaction. One day he met the girl of his dreams and they fell in love. He thought to himself "She'll never marry me so he gave up the baked beans he loved”. A few months later, his car broke down, called the wife and told her he would be late as he had to walk home. On his way, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. He figured he could walk off any ill affects. So all the way home he 'putt to the right and putted to the left'. His wife met him at the door excited. "Darling, I have the most wonderful dinner surprise for you!" She blindfolded him, and sat at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. Feeling another fart coming on, luckily the phone rang and his wife left the room to answer the phone. Seizing the moment, he not only lets out a loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg fart. He had a hard time breathing, so he grabbed napkin and fanned the air. Unfortunately another urge came on, and 'rrriiiipppp!'. Sounded like a diesel engine at high revs, and smelled even worse. Gagging, he tried fanning his arms, hoping the rotten smell would dissipate. He heard the phone goodbyes, so he neatly folded his napkin on his lap and he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked back in. Sorry for being so long dear, she asked “Did you peeked at the dinner”. Assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!" To his shock & horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party

Hagar7 · 02-09-2015 12:59PM

A Cheese roll walks into a pub and orders a pint.

Barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

Hagar7 · 02-09-2015 01:03PM

Who's the coolest guy in hospital? The Ultra sound bloke.

Who's the second coolest guy? The hip replacement bloke.

Hagar7 · 02-09-2015 01:09PM

What kind of dinosaur always had difficulty sitting down ?

The Tyranno sore ass.

Banta · 02-09-2015 01:21PM

rizzodun wrote: »

Seriously lads, we need to bury these gardening puns, I'm having trouble weeding out the proper jokes here, keep it up and I'll grass ye up to the mods...

I dunno, these puns are sort of growing on me. I had one earlier and I thought to myself, "Thistle do!" but as I began typing I reaslied, "Nah, that pun's a load of horse manure". I thought there was a rake load of puns we haven't used yet, but we're probably edging towards the end of them now, as people are probably get sickle of them at this point with the shear amount of them.

MonkieSocks · 02-09-2015 06:01PM

I woke up this morning with a piece of dried fruit stuck up my arse.

I think I've been date raped!

rolliepoley · 02-09-2015 07:54PM

MonkieSocks wrote: »

I woke up this morning with a piece of dried fruit stuck up my arse.

I think I've been date raped!

https://41.media.tumblr.com/1dec98628d32af8d9c0b4aa3faf0c8e1/tumblr_mwqkjnFGuH1s02atbo4_500.png

You were pissed and you dont remember a thing.

coolhull · 02-09-2015 10:34PM

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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