The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Hagar the Nice. · 07-07-2013 12:40PM

Three guys die and go to heaven. St. Peter says "Listen - we're having a really busy time, so we need to manage admissions tightly. Right now we can only admit people who have died in horrible fashions, and those who have died in a more mundane way will have to wait in limbo, and it could take a decade or two to work you in."

So St. Peter takes aside the first man, and asks him how he died.

"Well, I'd been suspicious of my wife having an affair for some time now, so today I came home from work early. I just knew the guy was in my apartment, but I couldn't find him. I looked everywhere and was just about to give up, when I went out on the balcony of my 23rd story apartment and there he was hanging over the edge! He was just barely hanging on, there was no way he could climb back onto the balcony. It was a really stupid place to try to hide. I was livid, so I started punching him and clawing at his fingers, but he held on. Finally I went to get a hammer and started pounding on his fingers, and he fell down. But what really angered me was that he landed in some bushes and fell to the ground dazed. I was so mad I grabbed the fridge, threw it off the balcony and it landed on him. Unfortunately I was so riled up by the incident I had a heart attack and died."

St. Peter was taken aback, and said "While you did die in a dramatic fashion, I think we need to look at that whole second degree murder before we let you in - off to limbo with you." He then approached the second man and asked him how he had died.

"I was riding my exercise bike on the balcony of my 24th story apartment, when the thing broke and threw me over the railing! I grabbed furiously at the railing and slipped, but managed to catch on the balcony below mine. I tried to climb up but it just wasn't possible. I thought I was going to fall but then someone came out on the balcony. I thought he would help me, until the ****ing lunatic started hitting me! I held on as best I could, but when he got a hammer and started hitting me I finally couldn't hold on anymore and fell. Somehow, though, I fell in some bushes and fell to the ground dazed. Just as I'm coming around, I look up and this ****ing fridge is hurtling towards me and lands on me. So here I am."

St. Peter immediately admitted this second man to heaven, and pulled aside the third man and asked him for his story.

"Picture this, St Peter, I'm naked, in a fridge..."

rolliepoley · 07-07-2013 03:19PM

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
Of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
Feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
About, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
Been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he
Poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
Bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged
Himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
That her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
Execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to
Go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
Husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU
EVER STOP?!'

blinkwink · 07-07-2013 04:12PM

A recent widow decides to search for a new husband and puts an advert in the newspaper.The requirements are:

1. He can't beat her up
2. He can't run away
3. He has to be great in bed.

The next day the doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a small man with no arms and no legs.

'Yes?' she says.

'Im here about newspaper advert' he replies. 'I have no arms, so I can't beat you. I have no legs si I can't run away.

'But what makes you think you're great in bed' the widow says.

The man smiled and replied: 'How do you think I rng the doorbell?'

Busted Flat. · 07-07-2013 08:22PM

Three Irish lads go to Amsterdam on the pi$$. They are on their first night out when they see a sign, sex and beer €200, too dear said one, so they walk on, came too the next one, sex and beer €100, no said the other one we can do better than that, along they go and came to this dingey alley, big sign sex and beer €5, get up ya boya we found the right spot, they go to the door, the landlady says to them, lads I have no clitoris, they replied, sure Hinegan will do.

If this was posted before, sorry.

Busted Flat. · 07-07-2013 08:22PM

Three Irish lads go to Amsterdam on the pi$$. They are on their first night out when they see a sign, sex and beer €200, too dear said one, so they walk on, came too the next one, sex and beer €100, no said the other one we can do better than that, along they go and came to this dingey alley, big sign sex and beer €5, get up ya boya we found the right spot, they go to the door, the landlady says to them, lads I have no clitoris, they replied, sure Hinegan will do.

If this was posted before, sorry.

Comer1 · 07-07-2013 09:28PM

Busted Flat. wrote: »

If this was posted before, sorry.

After a double post, now that was funny, not so sure about the joke though.

Capt'n Midnight · 07-07-2013 09:36PM

I thought opening a door for a lady was the polite thing to do, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane.

07-07-2013 10:17PM

I often find that using the quick reply box results in a double posting.

07-07-2013 10:23PM

I often find that using the quick reply box results in a double posting.

Curly Judge · 08-07-2013 10:09AM

Yorkshire folk

Those of you not from Yorkshire , you may need to think about their accent to get these ...

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist,
"Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies, "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.
Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "E by gum"

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us"

A Yorkshire man's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet, he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to
Remember the dog by.
Yorkshire man: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshire man: "No, yer daft bugger, I want it chewin' a bone!"

wadacrack · 08-07-2013 10:11AM

How do you make a swiss roll...push em off the alps !!

Anyone · 08-07-2013 11:03AM

My New Years Resolution was to lose 2 stone by the end of the summer. Only 3 stone to go!

DoctaDee · 08-07-2013 12:39PM

Turns out I have an inferiority complex ... but it's not a very good one

Anyone · 08-07-2013 04:03PM

After all this time Andy Murray has done it!

He's proved a Scottish man in shorts can stand in the sun for 4 hours without getting sunburned

padma · 08-07-2013 04:46PM

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.

He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
...
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.

She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.

He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.

Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

--Kaiser-- · 08-07-2013 04:51PM

Someone recently accused me of plagiarism...their words, not mine

--Kaiser-- · 08-07-2013 04:51PM

I'm not passive-aggressive....unlike SOME people i could mention

rolliepoley · 08-07-2013 07:34PM

Two vampires walk into a bar and sit down at the counter. The first orders a pint of blood, the second orders a mug of hot water. The first looks at the second and says "Hey man, what's wrong? You going soft on me?" The second takes out a used tampon and says "No, I'm having tea."

Hagar the Nice. · 08-07-2013 07:59PM

Rolli, I'm eating my dinnerrrrrrrrrrr !!!
Yuck a duck,I feel a huge beef burger on its way.:(

Hagar the Nice. · 08-07-2013 08:05PM

I said to my girlfriend I'd buy her a diamond ring for her 21st birthday and she told me that nothing would please her more,so i got her nothing.

Hagar the Nice. · 08-07-2013 08:08PM

One Chicken yells across the road to another chicken, "Hey how do I cross the road?"

The other Chicken yells back that the chicken that is across the road, "You are across the road!"

Hagar the Nice. · 08-07-2013 08:12PM

An old bloke hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40 years.

The hitman says "I'll shoot her just below her left tit"

The husband replies "I want her deed no effin kneecapped

Hagar the Nice. · 08-07-2013 08:14PM

Father says to his daughter,"Pass me a newspaper,please"...Daughter,"This is the 21st century Dad we don,t use newspapers in this house.Here borrow my i pad"..."Thanks" says Dad...That Bluebottle never knew what hit him!!!

Hagar the Nice. · 08-07-2013 08:17PM

An englishman, irish man and a scotsman in a psychology lesson. teacher asks the englishman what's the opposite of joy? he says sorrow. teacher asks the scotsman what's the opposite of depression? he says happiness. teacher asks the irish man what's the opposite of woe? he says its effin giddy up!!

Hagar the Nice. · 08-07-2013 08:20PM

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

rolliepoley · 08-07-2013 08:40PM

A man on a business trip to Las Vegas heard about how good the Las Vegas prostitutes were so on his first night there, he decided he would go out and try his luck.

He walked outside his hotel and looked up and down the street and saw an attractive girl standing on the corner. He approached her and asked her if she is working tonight and sure enough she said "Meet me in room 804 across the street." He was in luck. She was a knockout.
They got to the room and he sat down anxiously on the edge of the bed. She asked him what he wanted and he thought for a second, then said "How much for a hand job?" She said, "300". His eyes popped open and he asked "300?" She said, "Walk over to that window and open the curtains". He proceeded. "See that motel down there? I own it, and I didn't inherit it. I'm that good." He was like, "well go right ahead honey". So she proceeded to give him the best hand job he ever had.

After a little rest he thought, if that was that good...."How much for a blow job?" She said "600". OH MY GOD!! was his reply. She told him to walk back over to the window. "See that 15 story hotel? I own it and I didnt inherit it. I'm that good." He said "Well get to work then sweetie." And sure enough he got the best blow job he ever received.

After a little "rebuilding" time he thought, if that was that good...."How much for sex?" She chuckled and said, "Honey, I'd own this whole damned town if only I had a pussy."

jimgoose · 08-07-2013 08:42PM

Me mate, see - he's so thick he thinks a hysterectomy is what you need after being impaled by a forklift...

Capt'n Midnight · 09-07-2013 12:09AM

The 213 Things Specialist Schwarz, an eccentric US Army soldier stationed in Bosnia, is NOT allowed to do.

Full list http://skippyslist.com/list/

3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.

4. Not allowed to challenge anyone’s disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.

5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.

7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

10. Not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on government time.

16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my “Samson like powers”.

31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.

33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.

34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.

39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.

40. I do not have super-powers.

42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind’s baser instincts in recruitment posters.

44. I am not the atheist chaplain.

49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beans”.

50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.

51. Not allowed to quote “Dr Seuss” on military operations.

55. An order to “Put Kiwi on my boots” does *not* involve fruit.

56. An order to “Make my Boots black and shiny” does not involve electrical tape.

60. “The Giant Space Ants” are not at the top of my chain of command.

62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.

63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.

64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.

65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.

66. There is no “Anti-Mime” campaign in Bosnia.

67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.

68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to “Block out the space mind control lasers”.

69. May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty.

70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.

72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.

75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.

77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them “You don’t need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for.”

78. I may not call block my chain of command.

79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.

80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.

81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.

83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with “I recently had an experience I just had to write you about….”

84. Must not use military vehicles to “Squish” things.

87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.

91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.

94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.

95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.

99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.

100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.

101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.

102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are “casualties of war”.

105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.

106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s.

110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.

111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.

116. Crucifying mice - bad idea.

117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.

118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.

121. I should not use government resources to “waterproof” dirty magazines.

124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.

125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.

126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.

127. “No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages” does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable.

129. The Microsoft ® “Dancing Paperclip” is not authorized to countermand any orders.

132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.

133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.

134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.

135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.

136. Shouting “Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole fúcking village!” while out on a mission is bad.

137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.

138. Even if my commander did it.

140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.

145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.

146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.

147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.

148. Putting red “Mike and Ike’s” ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.

149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.

151. The proper way to report to my Commander is “Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir” not “You can’t prove a thing!”

156. I will no longer perform “lap-dances” while in uniform.

157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.

159. When detained by MP’s, I do not have a right to a strip search.

160. No part of the military uniform is edible.

162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.

164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.

165. I do not get “that time of month”.

166. No, the pants are not optional.

167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.

168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.

169. Not even if they *are* “especially patriotic films”

170. Not allowed to “defect” to OPFOR during training missions.

172. “A full magazine and some privacy” is not the way to help a potential suicide.

173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.

174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it’s actually DOD policy).

175. We do not “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts”.

178. I am not “A lesbian trapped in a man’s body”.

179. On Army documents, my race is not “Other”.

184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something “I saw in a cartoon”.

185. My name is not a killing word.

186. I am not the Emperor of anything.

187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.

189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.

191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.

193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.

194. Shouldn’t take incriminating photos of my chain of command.

195. Shouldn’t use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.

197. I am not allowed to sing “Henry the VIII I am” until verse 68 ever again.

198. Not allowed to lead a “Coup” during training missions.

200. My chain of command is not interested in why I “just happen” to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.

201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.

202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the “Safety Dance” and the “Safety Briefing” are never to be combined.

203. “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys” is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.

204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an “Easter Desecration.”

205. Don’t write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. (”Broken clutch pedal”, “Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs”, “flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged”)

207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)

208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civilians who are “hearing conversations” from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.

211. Don’t ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.

212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don’t have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.

09-07-2013 11:23AM

A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the

hotel. It is precious. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels

depressed. Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from

Mandarin to English....

Getting There:

Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel

runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You

will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the

bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to

have intercourse with all new guests.

The hotel:

This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are

always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in

the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in

the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not

allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is

ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:

Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At

dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:

Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every

room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding

obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road

between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed

Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any

other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her.

She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If

asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above all:

When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You

will struggle to forget it."

Hagar the Nice. · 09-07-2013 12:36PM

Pat n Mick are fishing down in the glen,only problem is,there's not a drop of water.....anywhere.
PC Riley is observing the pair of them 100 yards away and he's thinking to himself 'Beejesus,what on earth are these two clowns doing?'
He wanders over and says 'Top of da morning lads,I hope you don't mind me asking but what are you both doing.'
'Sure we're fishing officer and we've caught a whale to be sure.' says Pat.
'You've caught a what !!!' asks PC Riley totally flabbergasted.
'A whale',replies Mick,its over der behind dat tree officer.'
PC Riley clearly thinks both of them have flipped so he decides to catch them out and asks them,'Sure that's brilliant guys but is it a black,blue or white whale you have caught.'
'Don't be so daft officer,its a bicycle wheel we caught.'

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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