The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

rolliepoley

A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go." The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."

"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."

rolliepoley

A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm.
He walks up to his wife with it and says, "This is the pig I've been f*cking'."
His wife says, "That's a duck."
He quickly replies, "I wasn't talking to you."...

Hilly Bill

When I was a kid, mom would send me to the shop with 50p.
I could get, meat, milk, a comic, 6 eggs and a pair of jeans. Can't do that these days, ****in CCTV!!! .....

rolliepoley

My girlfriend came out of the shower and said, "I shaved my pussy you know what that means?"
I said, "Yeah the ****ing drain is clogged again."

Capt'n Midnight

How do you drown a Hipster?

In the mainstream.






Obesity cases are on the rise according to new figures.

huge big ones.

rolliepoley

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

rolliepoley

There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.
When they got there, he asked her if she wanted some popcorn and Coke. She said sure, so he went to the restroom. The line was long, so he went back to the lobby, got the food, and went back into the theatre.
When the movie was over, he goes to the bathroom again, still with a tremondously long line. So he figures he can wait until he drops her off.
When they pull up into her driveway, she exclaims, ''Oh goodie. My grandparents are here. Come on in and meet them.''
He agrees, although his A-hole is about to cry at this point.
They go in and sit down at the table. Finally, he couldn't hold it in any longer a tried to let it seep out a little at a time. As he squeezed out a toxic blast, he aimed it towards the family's hound dog Duke, in hopes that they might blame the pooch for the horrendous fart. The girl's father stands up and hollers ''Duke!!'' and sits back down.
''Great!'' he thought. ''They really think it's the dog!'' So, he starts bombarding the room with a couple, more powerful, louder stinkers.
Once again, the girl's father stands up, shouts ''Duke!!'' and sits back down.
Finally, he lets it all go and the loudest most hair-curling fart you've ever heard or smelt rippled through the dining room. The girl's father stands up again. ''Duke, get the hell out from under him before he ****s on you!!''

genuine leather

In an average day a man speaks 35,000 words and a women speaks 30,000.
Unfortunately, by the time i get home,i ve done my 35,000 and the missus hasnt even started on her 30,000.

stefan idiot jones

This guy walks into a bar and sees a man sitting having a pint with a chimpanzee.
After a while the guy sparks up a conversation with him and asks him about the chimp.
The man goes on to say that the chimp gives the greatest blow jobs he has ever had but he has to sell the primate and asks the guy if he is interested ?
The guy asks how much is he selling the chimp for and is told two thousand euros.
He guy says he is interested but can he have a demonstration as it's a lot of money ?
The man obliges so the chimp and the guy dissappear to the toilets for quarter of an hour.
The guy comes out beaming and runs to the cashpoint and buys the chimp off the man.
After a few more pints, the guy takes the chimp home and shows off his new purchase to his wife.
She asks him 'what the hell am I supposed to do with this monkey' ?
The man replies 'teach it to cook, and fu@k off'.

666irishguy

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman get a job with National Geographic to go search for the source of the Amazon river. They are quickly outfitted and put on board an old propeller plane and flown to a rough airstrip in the Jungle next to the Amazon river. They decide to head up river and assume that surely they will find the source in no time. After about three weeks of searching, they are riddled with disease, hungry and dehydrated. They are close to death when through a clearing in the trees, one of them spots the smoke of a village. They head into the village to look for water but before they can communicate with anybody they are quickly surrounded at spear point by the fierce warriors that guard the village chief..

The warriors are about to skewer them, when the chief emerges from his hut and declares that they must be put before a village council. The three men are bound and led to the center of the village where the chief, his warriors and the elders have assembled. He quizzes the three explorers on what they are up to. They explain and the chief declares they are trespassing and have two choices. Be put to Death or endure Mambo and be set free.

He leans down and asks Paddy Scotsman what he wants 'I don't want to die, so I'll take Mambo and go free' says Paddy Scotsman. The chief turns around and says; 'Mambo for this guy'. Two warriors hold Paddy Scotsman down, pull down his trousers and shove a pineapple up his hole, then kick him in the arse and send him on his way. Next up is Paddy Irishman. 'I don't want to die either and anything is better than death, so I'll take the Mambo as well' says Paddy Irishman. The chief turns around and says; 'Mambo again'. Two warriors walk over, pull down Paddy Irishman's trousers and shove a Pineapple up his hole, kick him the arse and send him on his way. Finally it's Paddy Enlishman's turn. 'I will not subject my self to that indignity, death before dishonor, you'll have to to kill me, I chose death' declares Paddy Englishman. The chief turns around to his warriors points at Paddy Englishman and says; 'Death by Mambo'.

rolliepoley

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

Wossack

last night this really fat woman got stuck in the doorway of the local italian restaurant

we couldnt get pasta

gosplan

What's orange and looks good on hipsters?

Fire.




What's the difference between rock guitar and jazz guitar?

A rock guitarist plays 3 chords to thousands of people.

Mr Tibbs

Enda Kenny died and went to hell. The devil was waiting there to greet him and said since you were a leader of your country I will give you a choice of which part of hell you will spend eternity in. Well Enda was surprised to hear there were different places in hell. The devil said of course there are what do you think I am.
So the two of them take a stroll and the devil opens a gate for Enda to see everybody standing waist deep in sh*t. No says Enda so on they go to the second gate to see everybody standing knee deep in sh*t. No says Enda thinking this is getting better. So to the third gate and the devil said this is your last choice your meant to suffer here you know. Well Enda was delighted to see everybody standing up to their shins in sh*t drinking tea and said to the devil I'll go in here. So in he goes and is given a cup of tea and sure the sh*t wasn't that deep he thought to himself I haven't done to bad here. As the devil was closing the gate he said right everybody tea break over back to standing on your heads.

Comer1

A guy is walking through the jungle when he enters a clearing and is surrounded by a group of very hostile looking natives bearing very pointy looking spears. "Oh God" he whispers "I'm fcuked."

Suddenly, the clouds open and a voice from Heaven says, "No you're not, pick up that big rock and kill the leader"

Our guy, quick as a flash, picks up the rock and beats the leader's brains in. He's standing there, over the leaders bloodied body, panting from his effort with the natives staring at him in shock.

"Now," says the voice from Heaven "now you're fcuked"

Mariasofia

How do you keep an idiot waiting around?



Ill tell you later

tayto lover

A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”

“Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: ”So, Seamus, how was your day?”

Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.

“The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”

“Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Seamus.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lay down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”

“Thunderin’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did you do?” – asks the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes.” !!!!!

tayto lover

The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day.

Wife: “Windows frozen.”
Husband: “Pour some warm water over them.”
Wife: “Computer completely screwed up now.”

rolliepoley

My 6yo son was in the garden looking at a couple pf spiders, when he said dad, Is that a mummylongleg under that daddylongleg. I looked at him and said, No son there's only daddylonglegs. I was feeling rather impressed that he was asking such intelligent question. When I saw him stomp on the spIders yelling "THERE WILL BE NONE OF THAT POOFTER **** GOING ON IN OUR GARDEN"

Capt'n Midnight

VULCANOLOGISTS. If you are ever caught in a volcanic eruption, remember to jump up and down so that your feet are not constantly in the molten lava flow.
Ken Turel, Glasgow


MCDONALDS. Double the amount of money your customers donate to children's charities by reducing the cost of your breakfast from £1.99 to £1.98.
Dave Saunders, Cricklewood


LADIES. A 'guide bat' tethered to your finger with a short piece of string is the perfect way to avoid trees and horses in the dark.
G. Lineker, e-mail



BEFORE BRUSHING your teeth, eat something sweet, such as a piece of chocolate. That way you can be sure of getting good value for the toothpaste that you use.
John Twomey, Kilburn


SUDOKU LOVERS. Solve your puzzles in seconds by logging on to http://sudoku.sourceforge.net/, typing the clues into the grid and clicking the 'solve' button. This will save hours, leaving you plenty of time to do something worthwhile.
T Wensleydale, Cheshire


ONE ARMED men. If your partner is thinking about getting breast implants, convince her to save money and only get one done.
Sam McCrohan, Guildford


DRINK AS much as you like on Long haul flights and don't worry about being over the limit when you drive home from the airport - the time difference will have taken care of that.
J. Walker, Hemel Hempstead


DON'T WASTE money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
Fish Kid, e-mail



PUTTING your wife's perfume in the freezer for 2 hours, then drinking the separated alcohol makes explaining why you would do such a thing a whole lot easier.
Olly Sherman, e-mail



DAYTIME TV viewers. Want to win those phone-in prizes? Follow this easy guide to answering multiple choice questions: (a) is the answer, (b) rhymes with the answer and (c) is in no way the answer.
Christina Martin, e-mail



IDENTICAL twins. Use Morse code to cheat in exams by stabbing yourself in the arm with a sharp compass. The other twin, at home with a text book, can 'feel' the question and stab you back the answers.
W. Walker, Norwich


TIGHT ARSED blokes. At this time of year, only date girls called Natalie, Carol, Holly or Eve. Chances are their birthday is around Christmas and you won't have to shell out for a present until then, by which time they will probably have packed you in.
David Bushell, e-mail


SHOPPERS. If what you wish to purchase is not in stock, inform the assistant that you've come all the way from Stanely on the No.2 bus. They will take pity on you and have your item materialize out of thin f***ing air.
Johnny, e-mail


MAKE YOUR own carrots by painting parsnips orange.
Der Schturmer, e-mail


JOURNALISTS for local TV stations. Fool viewers into thinking you have been sent abroad by waiting a few seconds before answering questions the presenter asks you.
Douglas Castle, Beecormack


POTHOLERS. Take a tip from cats and avoid getting stuck in holes by growing a moustache to the exact width of your body.
Ryan Lloyd, Rhyl



DIY ENTHUSIASTS. Make your approach more professional by starting 3 days late, wearing ill fitting trousers and shaking your head at regular intervals
J. O'Reilly, Stockport



SINGLE MEN. Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman's Hour on Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV whilst trying to watch something on Discovery Wings.
Graham Marsh, e-mail


HOMEOWNERS. Put an ancient Egyptian type curse on all your property. then, if you are burgled and the police don't catch the culprit, you can rest assured they will die of a plague of boils or something.
P Nevitt, Springwell


DIETERS. Buy only Russian Alphabetti Spaghetti as there are only 22 letters in the Cyrillic alphabet. Just watch the pounds fall off.
Sergei Atkinsov, e-mail


WHEN REPLYING to Nigerian lawyers that offer millions in return for a £50.000 finders fee, only send half the money. Keep the rest until you get the paperwork.
Dr Maldwin Palmer, e-mail

rolliepoley

Two Hippies are walking down a railroad track stoned.
One Hippie says "This is a really long ****ing staircase!"
The other Hippie says "I don't mind the stairs, it's this low ****ing handrail thats killing me."

rolliepoley

A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?"
The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads."
So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit smoking pot and will come back the next week to buy the TV.
A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"
And the store owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!"
So the stoner leaves again. He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?"
The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!"
The giggling stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?"
The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."

rolliepoley

A little lizard was walking through the forest to see his pal the monkey.
The monkey call out hey little buddy come up here I got some great pot.
So the little lizard climbed up the tree. The little lizard and the monkey smoked a great big joint.
The little lizard said hey this stuff is great but I have horrible cottonmouth.
Well there is a river just down there. So the little lizard walk down the tree through the brush and started to drink the water.
All of a sudden a crocodile came out of the water.
Hey little buddy waz up said the croc.
I just got stoned with my pal the monkey.
Really said the croc, where is he I want some.
He is through the brush and up the tree.
So the croc walked through the brush and to the tree.
The monkey said holy **** how much did you drink little buddy.

Curly Judge

Col. Rt. Honourable Wordington-Smythe was giving an account at the Explorer's Club in London of a particularly arduous trip he had completed with his wife Cynthia.

"Firstly we were hacking our way through the dense jungle of the Niger delta.
Every yard was hard fought and involved almost continuous use of our machetes.
The flies and the heat were almost unbearable and we had to spend hours each night pulling leaches off our bodies.
I didn't mind so much because I had been with the Chindits in Burma for part of the Second World War.
But it was terribly hard on Cynthia!".

Eventually they reached the edge of the jungle and entered a desert region where, after walking for days, their water ran out.
"The sun was beating down on our backs. Our tongues were swollen so we could hardly breath and our legs and knees began to pain us so that each step was agony.
I didn't mind so much because I had served with the Long Range Desert Group in North Africa for part of the war.
But it was terribly hard on Cynthia!"

After walking for what seemed an eternity they entered a savannah type region where they were suddenly surrounded by a tribe of savages.
"They lashed us across two giant logs and buggered us both repeatedly.
I didn't mind so much ...because I had been to Eton, but...it was terribly hard on Cynthia!"

Busted Flat.

Curly Judge wrote: »

Col. Rt. Honourable Wordington-Smythe was giving an account at the Explorer's Club in London of a particularly arduous trip he had completed with his wife Cynthia.

"Firstly we were hacking our way through the dense jungle of the Niger delta.
Every yard was hard fought and involved almost continuous use of our machetes.
The flies and the heat were almost unbearable and we had to spend hours each night pulling leaches off our bodies.
I didn't mind so much because I had been with the Chindits in Burma for part of the Second World War.
But it was terribly hard on Cynthia!".

Eventually they reached the edge of the jungle and entered a desert region where, after walking for days, their water ran out.
"The sun was beating down on our backs. Our tongues were swollen so we could hardly breath and our legs and knees began to pain us so that each step was agony.
I didn't mind so much because I had served with the Long Range Desert Group in North Africa for part of the war.
But it was terribly hard on Cynthia!"

After walking for what seemed an eternity they entered a savannah type region where they were suddenly surrounded by a tribe of savages.
"They lashed us across two giant logs and buggered us both repeatedly.
I didn't mind so much ...because I had been to Eton, but...it was terribly hard on Cynthia!"

Nice one.

rolliepoley

A woman calls her husband into the bedroom. "Now Simon, I want you to take off my blouse!"

"Good.."

"Now I also want you to take off my Bra."

"Good..."

"Now can you take off my panties."

"Very Good! Now, don't let me catch you wearing them again!"

nails1

This girl text me last night, she said come on over theres no one home, i went on over there was no home

--Kaiser--

nails1 wrote: »

This girl text me last night, she said come on over theres no one home, i went on over there was no home

Good ole Rodney Dangerfield


I was so poor growing up if I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, nobody's home. "I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day I came home early from work. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid that when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly that my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

I'm so ugly that my mother had morning sickness.....AFTER I was born.

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I'm so ugly that I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

WilyCoyote

Issac wrote: »

There was a young man from Rathmines
that made up limericks that were only two lines
.

He was caught giving head
To a chef that was dead
Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme.

everlast75

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

Few people know that unfortunately this made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.