The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

last night this really fat woman got stuck in the doorway of the local italian restaurant

we couldnt get pasta

Enda Kenny died and went to hell. The devil was waiting there to greet him and said since you were a leader of your country I will give you a choice of which part of hell you will spend eternity in. Well Enda was surprised to hear there were different places in hell. The devil said of course there are what do you think I am.
So the two of them take a stroll and the devil opens a gate for Enda to see everybody standing waist deep in sh*t. No says Enda so on they go to the second gate to see everybody standing knee deep in sh*t. No says Enda thinking this is getting better. So to the third gate and the devil said this is your last choice your meant to suffer here you know. Well Enda was delighted to see everybody standing up to their shins in sh*t drinking tea and said to the devil I'll go in here. So in he goes and is given a cup of tea and sure the sh*t wasn't that deep he thought to himself I haven't done to bad here. As the devil was closing the gate he said right everybody tea break over back to standing on your heads.

The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day.

Wife: “Windows frozen.”
Husband: “Pour some warm water over them.”
Wife: “Computer completely screwed up now.”

Col. Rt. Honourable Wordington-Smythe was giving an account at the Explorer's Club in London of a particularly arduous trip he had completed with his wife Cynthia.

"Firstly we were hacking our way through the dense jungle of the Niger delta.
Every yard was hard fought and involved almost continuous use of our machetes.
The flies and the heat were almost unbearable and we had to spend hours each night pulling leaches off our bodies.
I didn't mind so much because I had been with the Chindits in Burma for part of the Second World War.
But it was terribly hard on Cynthia!".

Eventually they reached the edge of the jungle and entered a desert region where, after walking for days, their water ran out.
"The sun was beating down on our backs. Our tongues were swollen so we could hardly breath and our legs and knees began to pain us so that each step was agony.
I didn't mind so much because I had served with the Long Range Desert Group in North Africa for part of the war.
But it was terribly hard on Cynthia!"

After walking for what seemed an eternity they entered a savannah type region where they were suddenly surrounded by a tribe of savages.
"They lashed us across two giant logs and buggered us both repeatedly.
I didn't mind so much ...because I had been to Eton, but...it was terribly hard on Cynthia!"

nails1 wrote: »

This girl text me last night, she said come on over theres no one home, i went on over there was no home

Good ole Rodney Dangerfield


I was so poor growing up if I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, nobody's home. "I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day I came home early from work. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid that when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly that my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

I'm so ugly that my mother had morning sickness.....AFTER I was born.

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I'm so ugly that I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

Few people know that unfortunately this made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

One of the funniest men of all time --


Tommy Cooper One Liners

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and
put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were
chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said
Yes, this is my livelihood.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please? ' And a voice said 'You are.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my
house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.

I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'. I said
What for?' He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'

I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'. I said
'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing
towards me and I keep pushing them away'. He said 'How can I help?'. I said 'Break my arms!'

My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'.
I had the car out in thirty seconds.

I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt.
Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.

One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the
road and knocked an old lady down. 'Can't you ring your bell?' She said.
'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike'

We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn't it? The
Stewardess gave me chewing gum. I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it out.

This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said 'Do
something religious'. So I took up a collection.

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: 'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'. I said: 'What for,
Officer?' He says: 'My chips are too hot'.

I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says: 'I'd like to
follow you to the nearest Police Station'. I said 'What For?'. He said:
'I've forgotten the way'.

So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Authur's Close'. He said, 'Don't
worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'

A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please. And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos. So the man says, alright then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.

And he said 'My dog doesn't eat meat'. I said 'Why not?'. He said 'We
don't give him any'

I knocked at my friend's door and his wife answered the door. I said 'Is
Jim in?'. She didn't reply, just stood there looking at me. So I asked
again. Just then a woman appeared at his wife's elbow. 'Sorry luv' she
said 'We buried him last Thursday'. 'He didn't say anything about a pot of yellow paint before he went, did he?'

I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house
that I came to. A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said What do you want?'. 'I'd like to stay here' 'Ok. Stay there'.

I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'. I said
'I want a second opinion'. He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.

When I was in the scouts, the leader told me to pitch a tent. I couldn't
find any pitch, so I used creosote.

I went into this pub, and I ate a ploughman's lunch. He was livid.

I got home from work and the wife said - I'm very sorry dear, but the
cat's eaten your dinner'. I said 'Dont worry - I'll get you a new cat'.

I went into this ice cream parlour and said 'I'd like a vanilla cone'.
The assistant said 'Hundreds and thousands ?'. I said 'No - I'll just have
the one'.

He said 'knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of
freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I've always been unlucky. I had a rocking horse once, and it died.

I said to the waiter, I said 'This chicken I've got is cold'. He said 'I
should think so. It's been dead for two weeks'. 'Not only that', I said,
'It's got one leg shorter than the other'. He said 'What do you want to
do, eat it or dance with it?'

Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat. Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.

My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs. She won, she had the hammer.

I hurt my back the day. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old
nephew, and I fell off. '

Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.' 'That sounds
like Tom Jones syndrome. ' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him? ' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at
him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed? ' 'No, because he's really heavy'

Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
backside.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start'

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming
baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks
are too high.'

I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty
and covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids...

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'your round.' The Other
one says 'so are you, you fat b*stard'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go
'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I
said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'

So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.' I said 'Why?' He said 'My
dog's died.''

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in
went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said
to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.''

tayto lover wrote: »

Forgot this one -

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

your not you're

If Michael Douglas really did say that giving oral sex gave him cancer then he's gone down a lot in my estimation....