The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

The Princess Bride

2 crabs were sunbathing on a beach.

The girl crab suggested to her boyfriend crab that he go get them both an ice cream cone.
Having bought the cones, making his way back to the beach, he decided to eat his cone.
By the time he'd finished his,he realised that his girlfriend's cone had started to melt all the way down to his claw,so he licked it up and ended up eating hers too!

When he arrived back at the beach,she asks," where's my ice cream cone?"
"Well," he said,"I decided to eat mine, then yours melted so I ate that too!"

She was furious and cried," You shellfish bastard!"

The Princess Bride

A Russian immigrant went to apply for a driver's licence.
He had to take an eye test.
The doctor showed him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.

"Can you read it?" asked the doctor.
"Read it?" the Russian replied, "I know that man!"

FanadMan

gramar wrote: »

...........
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Mick."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-re-really do-do-do-don't kn-kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered. "A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-s-said wa-wa-wa-was 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-like t-t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-Bible f-f-f-for t-t-t-ten q-q-q-quid o-o-o-or wo-wo-wo-would yo-yo-yo-you j-j-j-just l-l-l-like m-m-m-me t-t-t-to st-st-st-stand h-h-h-here and r-r-r-read it t-t-t-to y-y-y-you?'"

Must have been a miracle how Mick changed to Louie :P

--Kaiser--

msthe80s wrote: »

A Russian immigrant went to apply for a driver's licence.
He had to take an eye test.
The doctor showed him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.

"Can you read it?" asked the doctor.
"Read it?" the Russian replied, "I know that man!"

Sorry to nitpick but that type of name is characteristically Polish, not Russian

--Kaiser--

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

Sorry to nitpick but that type of name is characteristically Polish, not Russian

Western Russia used to be eastern Poland! :pac: :P

Mr Tibbs

John was an awful worrier all his life but lately his friends began to notice a big change in his attitude as he seemed real carefree no matter what he done.
So they asked him how come there is such a change and he told them that he didn't have to worry anymore as he had employed a professional worrier for 1000 euro a week.
How can you afford 1000 euro a week.
I'll be f'*cked if I know thats his problem.

rolliepoley

A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly.

Suddenly, Lorraine died.

At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

rolliepoley

Fred and DooDah go to their favorite lake to fish. After getting out on the water, DooDah hooks a huge fish, which pulls him overboard, and he drowns.

Fred is brokenhearted and goes to tell DooDah's wife the news. She opens the door and hears Fred sing: "Guess who drowned in the lake today? DooDah! DooDah!"

rolliepoley

Q: What is blue and doesn't fit?


























A: A dead epileptic.

bmwguy

Scientists have discovered that drinking only 2 glasses of wine increases the chances of a woman having a stroke by up to 50%. But if you let her finish the entire bottle there is a 50% chance of her sucking it too

AngryHippie

^^^ You've been caught talking nonsense !!!

gramar

FanadMan wrote: »

Must have been a miracle how Mick changed to Louie :P

I was just making sure ye read down to the end!

tayto lover

Two Italian virgins marry and go on their honeymoon. Unfortunately, neither knows what to do when they get there.

The newlyweds call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit on the bed together, snuggle, and things should happen from there. The newlyweds do this, but nothing happens.

The groom calls his mother back. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers, and nature should take its course. The bride and groom take his mother's advice, but still nothing comes to mind.

He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation, she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest spot!"

The groom is quiet for a moment and then asks his mother, "I've got my nose in her armpit -- now what?"

gramar

A fella goes to see his buddy in hospital and while they're chatting he starts nubbling away at a bowl of peanuts beside the bed. As he get up to leave he apologises for eating all of the peanuts and his mate says...'not to worry...I sucked the chocolate off them earlier..'

DubCul

Old man visits his golfing mate in hospital.
Mate wonders whether there's a golf course in heaven.
Old man says he'll check it out and let him know.

Next day tells his mate there is good news and bad.

Good news is that there's a great golf course in Heaven.

Bad news is you're on the 1st tee in the morning.

Marcin_diy

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

Sorry to nitpick but that type of name is characteristically Polish, not Russian

There is no X in Polish alphabet used for any names or surnames .....

flutterflye

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

A grandfather and his grandson were out diging the garden when the old man observed the little boy pulling a worm out of the ground. He asked the little boy what he was going to do with it and the boy said kill it. Do no such thing put that worm back in the ground because worms are good for the soil.
The little boy ran into the house and came back out with a tin of hairspray, sprayed it on the worm and put him back in the same hole he took him out of.
His grandad said that was very clever of you and gave him ten euro and took the hairspray back into the house. Well he was gone for about half an hour when he came back out and gave the boy another ten euro. But grandad you already gave me ten euro says the boy and his grandad said I know that was from your grandmother.

Huh? I don't geddit
Why did he put hairspray on the worm?
And what was that about the grandmother?

flutterflye

flutterflye wrote: »

Huh? I don't geddit
Why did he put hairspray on the worm?
And what was that about the grandmother?

It made the worm stiff......

Think it was to get the worm back in the hole or something.

Capt'n Midnight

flutterflye wrote: »

Huh? I don't geddit
Why did he put hairspray on the worm?
And what was that about the grandmother?

A couple were driving home, when they hit a rabbit. The wife rummaged through her purse for a bottle. She poured it on the rabbit. Suddenly the rabit got up hopped a little bit and waved, hopped a little and waved, hopped to the top of the hill and waved.

The husband just stared at his wife and said "Honey, what did you pour on that rabit?" His wife just said "Hair Restorer with a permanent wave."




Except grandad wasn't restoring hair

Mariasofia

My doctor always uses a red biro just in case he needs to draw blood.
Sorry that was woeful!

flutterflye

Deleted User wrote: »

It made the worm stiff......

Think it was to get the worm back in the hole or something.

Sorry I asked now! :eek:

LizT

Deleted User wrote: »

It made the worm stiff......

Think it was to get the worm back in the hole or something.

I read this post 10 minutes ago.

I'm just after getting it. I'm a bit slow

--Kaiser--

Marcin_diy wrote: »

There is no X in Polish alphabet used for any names or surnames .....

Nitpicking a nitpicker eh? You know what I mean, take out the x and it could be a Polish name, like the guy in that Polish comedy...<deep breath>
Grzegorz Brzęczyszczykiewicz!

cruais

rolliepoley wrote: »

A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly.

Suddenly, Lorraine died.

At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

Christ on a bike....

FanadMan

gramar wrote: »

I was just making sure ye read down to the end!

I read it and knew something was wrong.....took another 3 reads to cop on what. Think I know it off by heart now. Reminds me of school :mad:

livinsane

If Jesus is the lamb of god, did Mary have a little lamb?

WilyCoyote

livinsane wrote: »

If Jesus is the lamb of god, did Mary have a little lamb?

Yup! That's why her daddy shot the shepherd

wexie

Enda Kenny wakes up in the middle of the night one saturday, absolutely starving. Heads down to the kitchen, in the dark and very quietly as to not to disturb the family.

He gets down into the kitchen and proceeds to make himself a sandwich and a glass of milk.

After he's finished eating he starts tidying everything up but unfortunately hadn't noticed that he'd spilt some milk and slips on it.....cracks his head on the tile floor and ends up in hospital in a coma......


Years later, in James', miraculously, he opens his eyes and comes to.

The first thing he sees is his wife Fionnuala looking at him anxiously with tears in her eyes, so happy he's come out of the coma.

After waking up properly and having had a cup of tea he starts asking her all kinds of questions : what year is it, how are the kids, how's the economy doing, who's in power, what the story with the middle east.

After chatting for a while he goes : but it's not enough, I want to know about how regular life is these days. Like how much is a pint in the local?

His wife looks at him confused and goes : same as last year really, 5 Deutsch Mark....

canonball5

WilyCoyote wrote: »

Yup! That's why her daddy shot the shepherd

But he did not shoot the deputy !

WilyCoyote

canonball5 wrote: »

But he did not shoot the deputy !

Don't take Marley's or Clapton's word for it. They're known to tell fibs all around my home town!