The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

AngryHippie · 29-05-2013 12:31AM

^^^ You've been caught talking nonsense !!!

gramar · 29-05-2013 07:01AM

FanadMan wrote: »

Must have been a miracle how Mick changed to Louie :P

I was just making sure ye read down to the end!

tayto lover · 29-05-2013 04:37PM

Two Italian virgins marry and go on their honeymoon. Unfortunately, neither knows what to do when they get there.

The newlyweds call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit on the bed together, snuggle, and things should happen from there. The newlyweds do this, but nothing happens.

The groom calls his mother back. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers, and nature should take its course. The bride and groom take his mother's advice, but still nothing comes to mind.

He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation, she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest spot!"

The groom is quiet for a moment and then asks his mother, "I've got my nose in her armpit -- now what?"

gramar · 29-05-2013 05:25PM

A fella goes to see his buddy in hospital and while they're chatting he starts nubbling away at a bowl of peanuts beside the bed. As he get up to leave he apologises for eating all of the peanuts and his mate says...'not to worry...I sucked the chocolate off them earlier..'

DubCul · 29-05-2013 06:05PM

Old man visits his golfing mate in hospital.
Mate wonders whether there's a golf course in heaven.
Old man says he'll check it out and let him know.

Next day tells his mate there is good news and bad.

Good news is that there's a great golf course in Heaven.

Bad news is you're on the 1st tee in the morning.

Marcin_diy · 29-05-2013 07:48PM

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

Sorry to nitpick but that type of name is characteristically Polish, not Russian

There is no X in Polish alphabet used for any names or surnames .....

flutterflye · 29-05-2013 09:01PM

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

A grandfather and his grandson were out diging the garden when the old man observed the little boy pulling a worm out of the ground. He asked the little boy what he was going to do with it and the boy said kill it. Do no such thing put that worm back in the ground because worms are good for the soil.
The little boy ran into the house and came back out with a tin of hairspray, sprayed it on the worm and put him back in the same hole he took him out of.
His grandad said that was very clever of you and gave him ten euro and took the hairspray back into the house. Well he was gone for about half an hour when he came back out and gave the boy another ten euro. But grandad you already gave me ten euro says the boy and his grandad said I know that was from your grandmother.

Huh? I don't geddit

Why did he put hairspray on the worm?
And what was that about the grandmother?

29-05-2013 09:19PM

flutterflye wrote: »

Huh? I don't geddit
Why did he put hairspray on the worm?
And what was that about the grandmother?

It made the worm stiff......

Think it was to get the worm back in the hole or something.

Capt'n Midnight · 29-05-2013 09:19PM

flutterflye wrote: »

Huh? I don't geddit
Why did he put hairspray on the worm?
And what was that about the grandmother?

A couple were driving home, when they hit a rabbit. The wife rummaged through her purse for a bottle. She poured it on the rabbit. Suddenly the rabit got up hopped a little bit and waved, hopped a little and waved, hopped to the top of the hill and waved.

The husband just stared at his wife and said "Honey, what did you pour on that rabit?" His wife just said "Hair Restorer with a permanent wave."

Except grandad wasn't restoring hair

Mariasofia · 29-05-2013 09:26PM

My doctor always uses a red biro just in case he needs to draw blood.
Sorry that was woeful!

flutterflye · 29-05-2013 09:29PM

Deleted User wrote: »

It made the worm stiff......

Think it was to get the worm back in the hole or something.

Sorry I asked now! :eek:

LizT · 29-05-2013 09:35PM

Deleted User wrote: »

It made the worm stiff......

Think it was to get the worm back in the hole or something.

I read this post 10 minutes ago.

I'm just after getting it. I'm a bit slow

--Kaiser-- · 29-05-2013 09:47PM

Marcin_diy wrote: »

There is no X in Polish alphabet used for any names or surnames .....

Nitpicking a nitpicker eh? You know what I mean, take out the x and it could be a Polish name, like the guy in that Polish comedy...<deep breath>
Grzegorz Brzęczyszczykiewicz!

cruais · 29-05-2013 10:37PM

rolliepoley wrote: »

A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly.

Suddenly, Lorraine died.

At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

Christ on a bike....

FanadMan · 30-05-2013 04:01AM

gramar wrote: »

I was just making sure ye read down to the end!

I read it and knew something was wrong.....took another 3 reads to cop on what. Think I know it off by heart now. Reminds me of school :mad:

livinsane · 30-05-2013 11:02AM

If Jesus is the lamb of god, did Mary have a little lamb?

WilyCoyote · 30-05-2013 12:53PM

livinsane wrote: »

If Jesus is the lamb of god, did Mary have a little lamb?

Yup! That's why her daddy shot the shepherd

wexie · 30-05-2013 12:55PM

Enda Kenny wakes up in the middle of the night one saturday, absolutely starving. Heads down to the kitchen, in the dark and very quietly as to not to disturb the family.

He gets down into the kitchen and proceeds to make himself a sandwich and a glass of milk.

After he's finished eating he starts tidying everything up but unfortunately hadn't noticed that he'd spilt some milk and slips on it.....cracks his head on the tile floor and ends up in hospital in a coma......

Years later, in James', miraculously, he opens his eyes and comes to.

The first thing he sees is his wife Fionnuala looking at him anxiously with tears in her eyes, so happy he's come out of the coma.

After waking up properly and having had a cup of tea he starts asking her all kinds of questions : what year is it, how are the kids, how's the economy doing, who's in power, what the story with the middle east.

After chatting for a while he goes : but it's not enough, I want to know about how regular life is these days. Like how much is a pint in the local?

His wife looks at him confused and goes : same as last year really, 5 Deutsch Mark....

canonball5 · 30-05-2013 12:57PM

WilyCoyote wrote: »

Yup! That's why her daddy shot the shepherd

But he did not shoot the deputy !

WilyCoyote · 30-05-2013 01:00PM

canonball5 wrote: »

But he did not shoot the deputy !

Don't take Marley's or Clapton's word for it. They're known to tell fibs all around my home town!

smoking_kills · 30-05-2013 01:03PM

What was the first sign of soccer violence in the bible?

When Jesus went in for the cross and got nailed by the Romans.

Mr Tibbs · 30-05-2013 01:03PM

cruais wrote: »

Christ on a bike....

Go on then Alec give us a smart one tell us one of your briliant jokes. You might get some keyboard critic to make a snide comment but hey it is only a joke thread afterall unlike other threads on this site where you get posters trying to out smart each other.
Sure you might even get some poster to slow to get the joke to post" I don't geddit". Once upon a time the Irish were known for their wit sadly once upon a time. Why would you bother.

flutterflye · 30-05-2013 01:21PM

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

Go on then Alec give us a smart one tell us one of your briliant jokes. You might get some keyboard critic to make a snide comment but hey it is only a joke thread afterall unlike other threads on this site where you get posters trying to out smart each other.
Sure you might even get some poster to slow to get the joke to post" I don't geddit". Once upon a time the Irish were known for their wit sadly once upon a time. Why would you bother.

If it's that unimportant to you, how come this is now your second offensive/defensive comment on the fact that I didn't understand your joke?! - The last one which you deleted for whatever reason.
Take your own advice - Relax - It's just a joke thread - Not some personal dig! :cool:

Mr Tibbs · 30-05-2013 02:03PM

flutterflye wrote: »

If it's that unimportant to you, how come this is now your second offensive/defensive comment on the fact that I didn't understand your joke?! - The last one which you deleted for whatever reason.
Take your own advice - Relax - It's just a joke thread - Not some personal dig! :cool:

Dont take offence yes the last one was deleted for that reason but look all I ever done here was tell a few jokes seeing as it is a joke thread but when you see jokes being remarked on all the time they soon lose there flavour. I only repeated what you said being sarcastic sorry if I offended you, come on now give us an aul joke for a laugh. Incidently I am also defending Rolie who tells some great ones but when some one dont think so they are giving very cutting remarks which kills the whole purpose of why he came on for in the first place. Geting to serious here now for a joke thread.

Capt'n Midnight · 30-05-2013 02:17PM

livinsane wrote: »

If Jesus is the lamb of god, did Mary have a little lamb?

Mary had a little lamb,
that tale we've heard before.

But then she passed her plate along,
and had a little more.

smoking_kills · 30-05-2013 02:24PM

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Mary had a little lamb,
that tale we've heard before.

But then she passed her plate along,
and had a little more.

Mary had a little Lamb
She tied it to a pylon

Ten thousand volts went up it's arse
And changed it's wool to nylon

Capt'n Midnight · 30-05-2013 02:28PM

When Mary had a little lamb,
the doctor cried and cried.

When Old McDonald had a farm,
the doctor upped and died.

Issac · 30-05-2013 02:28PM

There was a young man from Rathmines
that made up limericks that were only two lines
.

Capt'n Midnight · 30-05-2013 02:30PM

Mary had a little skirt,
with slits right up the sides.
And everytime she crossed her legs,
the boys could see her thighs.

Mary had another skirt,
with a slit right up the front
She doesn't wear that one...

castletownman · 30-05-2013 03:50PM

So a Chinese woman accidently dropped her newborn baby down the toilet?

My advice to her would be to put it in a bag of rice overnight

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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